I can’t remember now how the topic came up but the kids and I got to talking about my being “child free” last night – as in, never having had them at all. I went on about trips I could take, cleaning I would no longer have to do and all the eating out I could indulge in. What didn’t occur to me then, and wish now it would have, is that I think they took my comments very much to heart. If I had a “do over” I would have followed that up with, “but I would never trade you guys for a spotless house, trips or crappy restaurant food”. But I didn’t.
Some days I just feel like a really bad Mom.
I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.
I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.
Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.
I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.
By Lynn S.
I have hit rock bottom today, Lord. The news that my 2 completely f-ed up ex’s are working together is the ultimate nail in the coffin and the full weight of it is pounding down on me. My daycare provider is waffling on helping me fight my abuser and actually said today, “maybe I just wish he’d be a better dad”. Yeah, well, I wished too and look where I ended up! I am exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, disgusted and stunned. By it all. Wondering where and if this nightmare will ever end. I don’t know if I can keep going. I can’t even feel safe in my own home or be myself around my children. How much more can you possibly dish out to me before I just quit? How do I possibly keep being this strong every single day? Every time I start to turn a corner, get my shit together, feel less afraid and have a good day or two…MORE $HIT HAPPENS.
Please help me see that this going to get better. I have trusted you, continued in faith, listened to your voice, felt my baby leap, studied your word and acted according to your will. How much more suffering will I have to endure before my enemies are defeated and my reward delivered?
If it be your will, Lord, please deliver me.
“So hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause we are stronger here together
Then we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me
Don’t you ever let me go
Hold on to me, it’s gonna be alright
Hold on to me tonight” Michael Buble
Holding on is all I’ve been doing lately. My abuser has turned his rage on my baby girl and she is now suffering in ways I could never have imagined. It makes me physically ill to see her go through this time of shock, confusion and abuse. Absolutely sick.
I am finally coming to a place of acceptance that he never loved me and that his actions are his problems…not mine. It is an incredibly painful reality to realize he never cared about me but almost unfathomable the lengths he has gone to remind me of that reality. Locking us out of the house, fighting for our daughter, showing off the new girlfriend…all signs screaming disorder. Yet at the same time tearing my heart out of my chest and stomping on it in the street.
So I will continue to hold on and fight for what I know is right. Because fighting for my girl is something I would do to my very last breath.
“You might be eating dirt & weeds, but at least you’re free.” Navy Seals
Life is a rollercoaster right now. I have good days, I have great days and I have days so low that I beg God to make the pain stop. I go to work, take care of my kids, attend their activities and I worry. I worry about all the things in my kids’ lives that I have no control over. All the obstacles I have given them by marrying their disordered fathers. It’s enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and die.
So, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and push on. Cause while I am eating dirt and weeds right now I can truly say that at least I’m free.
So much has happened and yet I feel as if time is standing still. Let me give you a timeline:
3/31 – hubby drove us across 4 lanes of traffic without looking during one of his rages. I stay the night with my daycare provider. He doesn’t call.
4/1 – moved in to the shelter with my four kids, taking only clothing, shoes & toiletries. He finally calls and leaves a voicemail that he’s changed the locks so I can only get in through him.
4/4 – he sends an email to my work asking me to “settle this”.
4/9 – I reply to his email that I will respond if he remains civil.
4/11 – find out that dear hubby filed for divorce on 4/7.
4/14 – filed my paperwork for temporary custody and support.
4/15 – receive a text message from him that he is cancelling my cell service as of 4/19.
4/16 – finally receive a response to my email. He wants to see the baby (only took 17 days!) and he hopes we can have a good relationship moving forward.
4/17 – receive another email; this one only asks when he can see the baby. I block his email addresses.
4/20 – receive a confirmation email from Verizon. My cell phone service shuts off within a half hour.
4/21 – call the cell phone provider and resume my service since dear hubby only suspended it and didn’t change the billing password.
4/22 – receive paperwork from my attorney that dear hubby has alleged things against me (as if he’s a victim).
So now I’m left wondering what crock of lies dear hubby has cooked up. I’m sure its going to be a doozy