A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘Why’

Right Back to Hell

Today has been a really sad day.  I feel like I’ve lost 6 months of healing in just one week.  Wednesday was the verbal attack by ex1.  Friday was verbal abuse via email from ex2.  Saturday my washing machine died.  Sunday I realized as I sent baby girl out the door with ex2 that I would only get to see her 5 hours in the next 3 weeks (which leaves him 499 hours in which to abuse her).  Today I found out that the repair bill for the washer will be almost triple what I paid for the damn machine.  *sigh*  *super sigh*  *tears*

I feel like I’ve died and gone right back to hell.  AS IF the last year wasn’t a hell-fire and damnation story of epic proportions…now I get to do it all over again THIS year.  Great…can’t wait…please note sarcasm.

Why am I on this earth?  Why was I born in to a horrifically abusive family who made me the scapegoat?  Why didn’t anyone ever intervene?  Why didn’t any of my extended family ever love me?  Why did God help me to escape only to put me thru 11 months of hell to regain some of what I lost?  Why do I have to struggle every single day to provide for my children what most people take for granted…a safe home, a warm meal and a family who loves them. 

Why do I keep going?  What is the point?  Where is all this leading?

Finances are my biggest stumbling block.  Abuse I can handle.  I’ve been abused my entire life so I know how to deal with that.  But although court-ordered to do so, ex2 refuses to pay child support, daycare or medical expenses at all.  ex1 pays but when he feels like it and he underreports his income to keep his payments as low as possible.  What I’m left with is never having enough money to keep food on the table and my bills paid each month.  And their bills…I’m still having to pay for their bills too.  I’m always “borrowing” from next month’s paycheck to pay this month’s bills and its a scary place to be.  I have no savings.  My vehicle needs a ton of repairs AND new tires.  I never know when I will get child support.  My boss has been steering new clients towards my supervisor instead of to me…I’m even being abused in the workplace.  *sigh*   

I want to quit.  I want to lay down and die in the middle of the road.  I see no point in my life.  Nothing ever changes…15 months out and just the same shit/different day every single week. 

It was a joke to think I deserved better.

He’s Nothing To Write Home About

And I refused to be someone who sacrifices her young to keep a man…

Strongerthanever

This is why I left.  To prevent him from abusing my older children as I was starting to see him do in small ways.  Small ways always lead to bigger ways with abusers.  And I wanted to give my baby girl the best chance at an abuse-free life I possibly could. 

I was let down by the court system.  I see that now and I will no longer blame God.  He is not allowing my daughter to be abused – she is being abused because that’s what abusers do.  The court system should have protected her from the abuser.  We are given free will to do as we please and it pleases him to abuse/neglect her on his weeks with her.

Matthew 18:10

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

 

I am doing everything I can to keep her safe.  I”m doing everything I can to make sure that she is surrounded by witnesses and people who can support and love her during this time.  I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN DO.

All That For Nothing

What a waste.  Of my time.  Of my youth.  Of my love.  Years spent that I will never get back.

I’m still deep in the grief of my loss.  I have a wonderful grasp of the reality of my situation but it doesn’t change the overwhelming sadness I feel for my loss.  I miss the him I thought I knew.  I miss the him who pretended to love me.  I miss the joy I felt when he got home from trucking.  I miss waking up wrapped in his arms.  I miss the home we shared and the yard I tended to for us.  I miss my life.

At Least I’m Free

“You might be eating dirt & weeds, but at least you’re free.” Navy Seals

 Life is a rollercoaster right now.  I have good days, I have great days and I have days so low that I beg God to make the pain stop.  I go to work, take care of my kids, attend their activities and I worry.  I worry about all the things in my kids’ lives that I have no control over.  All the obstacles I have given them by marrying their disordered fathers.  It’s enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and die.

So, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and push on.  Cause while I am eating dirt and weeds right now I can truly say that at least I’m free.

He Ripped My Heart Out

The title says it all…I am a walking human shell at the moment.  My heart was torn out by a man whom I had promised everything to and got nothing in return.  He took all that was good and pure and moral between us and screwed it in to a dirty gray ball of filth, lies and deception.  Our 2nd wedding anniversary is fast approaching and it makes me yearn for the man he could have been…the potential I fell in love with.

Instead, I am left with a hole in my chest the size of the Grand Canyon and a beautiful girl I only get to see for an hour a day for half the month.

I don’t know if I will survive this.

We Got 50/50

Finally had the temporary custody hearing today and I think it’s a mixed blessing.  We each get her on alternating weeks, I get $202 in child support, he pays half of daycare and we are each responsible for her expenses on “our” week. 

I have never spent a single night apart from her in her almost 19 months and this breaks my heart.  But I have already arranged through my work to take early lunch hours on my days I don’t have her.  This means I will only go without seeing her for two full days on his week with her.

We did get joint restraining orders but the judge felt the domestic abuse wasn’t a factor in child custody.  BLOWS MY MIND!  He can call me names and treat me like dirt in front of the kids but it doesn’t affect them?

I pray he will finally see how much work goes in to parenting and decide he doesn’t want her all that much.  Maybe he will get back in to racing the race car so he will be extremely busy 7 nights a week.  Who knows.

The important thing is that he didn’t get her full-time and that I will really only not see her on his weekend.  Feels like crumbs at this point.

Trying?

Vagueness, rage, lack of commitment, hope, rejection, name-calling, abandonment, love — a crazy, uncertain roller coaster ride. I never, ever knew where I stood; but, when I was so rude as to ASK I got only disgust and anger and blame. I was supposed to be some kind of perfect smiling plastic person who had no needs and made no demands on him or his time. It wore me down so much. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  I kept trying, though — trying to be perfect and sweet and uncomplaining, even when hurt and dumped and devalued.