A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘tired’

It’s a War

I read a lot.  A LOT.  I read about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).  I read about sociopaths and pathology in general.  I read self-help books on (among others) spirituality, self-esteem, faith and moving forward.  I don’t feel comfortable with any situation until I’ve researched the hell out of it.  Its a blessing and a curse.  Anywho, while reading information on NPD yesteray I came across something that made me stop and think.  It was referring to victim recovery and having to deal with the disordered one in the aftermath (especially with co-parenting) and it said, “NPD is a lifelong war”.  Truer words have never been spoken. 

I have 2 disordered ex’s…one with NPD and one who is a sociopath.  I didn’t know what the first one had diagnosis-wise until I was married to the second one.  Talk about a bait and switch.  The battle for my children’s lives/mental health is a war I fight daily.  I watched my pre-teen son cry through half of a sporting event last night because his NPD father had been mindfucking him the entire day.  This is a kid who NEVER cries.  He couldn’t even really express in words what he was feeling.  THIS is what these monsters do to children…destruction on a mental, emotional and psychological level.  I pray for my children multiple times a day – that they will be protected from lifelong, permanent damage.  That I will be able to mother them enough to counteract the damage they receive during custodial visits.  That God will give me the strength to keep doing this for the next 20 years.  Or even better…inspire the disordered ones to abandon the kids and I as so many of them end up doing.

I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind and bush and yell, “you’ve been punk’d” and give me a normal, happy life.

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Fade to Black

This is the painful part.  Not that any of the rest of it has been sunshine and roses at any point but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  Give up the ghost.  Accept it is over.  Watch my dream fade to black.

There are things going on all around me that yank the wound wide open every day.  Friends buying homes.  Hearing about their shopping trips for new furniture.  Talk of vacations, new campers and the places they will visit.  Things I cannot do in my situation. 

He showed up last night with HER.  She rode along with him in HER vehicle…to bring my baby girl home from the weekend visit.  They will get to have her for an entire month soon.  Yet another slap to the face.  I sit in poverty while both ex’s have girlfriends, take trips, live in homes they own, not pay/underpay child support and go about their little lives.

I’ve been left to clean up the mess.  Pay everyone’s bills plus my own.  Scrape by.  Deal with the kids’ behavior as a result of the emotional abuse they endure at their fathers’.  I’m so lonely and depressed and angry.  I’m left to face me and the wake of destruction I’m left to heal after 37 years of abuse.  First my mother.  Then two husbands.  Multiple bosses.  Several boyfriends.  Codependent much??

I don’t know if my dream is fading or if I am.