A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘the usual’

Every Day I’m Shuffling

“Life is Difficult” ~ M. Scott Peck

Peck knows what he is talking about.  Life is so freaking difficult sometimes that I just meltdown in sobs.  I’m not a sobber…or I wasn’t until I left asshat ex2.  (Oh I’m sorry, the incredibly pathological personality disordered man, er boy, who was my second husband.  He’s still an asshat though.)  I can’t seem to get my life rolling in any solid direction.  Just when I feel like I have a handle on shit then it all goes to shit…in a handbasket.  I feel like hell.

Did I tell you that I got accosted (is that a word?) at the grocery store last week?  Yeah, in the midst of my week from hell I cut some woman off from her lettuce.  Seriously…she said, “you cut me off from my lettuce”.  I just stared at her…then she said, “I would never have cut you off from your cucumbers”.  That’s where I was standing when this conversation went down.  I felt like I was on punk’d and kept waiting for Ashton to jump out.  Didn’t happen.  Again.  I finally said, “excuse me?”…she repeated it all again (blah, blah, lettuce…blah, blah, cucumbers) and I walked away shaking my head.  She looked mentally ill but even so I will mark that down on my list of shit not to ever do again…cut someone off from their lettuce.

I’ve listed some more of my stuff to sell.  Not willingly.  The aforementioned asshat still isn’t paying child support and I’ve got some big bills looming in the next 2 weeks so I’m gonna thin the herd.  We may end up sitting on lawn chairs to eat.  I had to do this a month ago because I couldn’t pay my rent.  This month its my vehicle payment, new tires, glasses for myself and license plate renewal which is 2 months overdue.  I just kept thinking that money would show up from somewhere (hello?  IRS?) but magical thinking has never worked for me.  It would be nice to get some mail that didn’t include multi-figure amounts and due-by dates.

I want my life to change.  I want a new job – one without verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and enough disordered people to fill a mental ward.  I want a peaceful life – one that doesn’t include psycho ex’s screaming at me on the front lawn.  I want money to be able to pay my bills and take my kids to the movies once in a while.  Not the expensive theatre…the $2.50/kid theatre.  I want to be able to eat out once in a while when I’m too tired to cook and not have to worry about which bill I won’t be able to pay.  I want my ex’s to start paying the bills that they were court-ordered to pay and stop mooching off me. 

I’ve read that I need to be the change I want to see. 

Please tell me how to do that.

 

Right Back to Hell

Today has been a really sad day.  I feel like I’ve lost 6 months of healing in just one week.  Wednesday was the verbal attack by ex1.  Friday was verbal abuse via email from ex2.  Saturday my washing machine died.  Sunday I realized as I sent baby girl out the door with ex2 that I would only get to see her 5 hours in the next 3 weeks (which leaves him 499 hours in which to abuse her).  Today I found out that the repair bill for the washer will be almost triple what I paid for the damn machine.  *sigh*  *super sigh*  *tears*

I feel like I’ve died and gone right back to hell.  AS IF the last year wasn’t a hell-fire and damnation story of epic proportions…now I get to do it all over again THIS year.  Great…can’t wait…please note sarcasm.

Why am I on this earth?  Why was I born in to a horrifically abusive family who made me the scapegoat?  Why didn’t anyone ever intervene?  Why didn’t any of my extended family ever love me?  Why did God help me to escape only to put me thru 11 months of hell to regain some of what I lost?  Why do I have to struggle every single day to provide for my children what most people take for granted…a safe home, a warm meal and a family who loves them. 

Why do I keep going?  What is the point?  Where is all this leading?

Finances are my biggest stumbling block.  Abuse I can handle.  I’ve been abused my entire life so I know how to deal with that.  But although court-ordered to do so, ex2 refuses to pay child support, daycare or medical expenses at all.  ex1 pays but when he feels like it and he underreports his income to keep his payments as low as possible.  What I’m left with is never having enough money to keep food on the table and my bills paid each month.  And their bills…I’m still having to pay for their bills too.  I’m always “borrowing” from next month’s paycheck to pay this month’s bills and its a scary place to be.  I have no savings.  My vehicle needs a ton of repairs AND new tires.  I never know when I will get child support.  My boss has been steering new clients towards my supervisor instead of to me…I’m even being abused in the workplace.  *sigh*   

I want to quit.  I want to lay down and die in the middle of the road.  I see no point in my life.  Nothing ever changes…15 months out and just the same shit/different day every single week. 

It was a joke to think I deserved better.

Altercation

I’m still trying to process it.  The attack.  So quick that I never knew what hit me.  Down the front steps, across the front lawn and in my face before I could say milk shake.

Let’s back up a minute.  Baby girl is on week 1 of 4 week summer visitation with her dad.  It has been HARD already.  Last night was my evening with her and I texted the older kid’s dad to see if they could come over.  To see baby girl, have milk shakes and get my oldest ready to go to camp.  Mistake #1 given how contentious, toxic and angry he has been in the past 15 months.  No reply from him.  So industrious me loads up baby girl, picks up shakes and goes to the kids’ house to see them.  Mistake #2.  I shut off my vehicle, step out with an arm full of milk shakes and fury (aka ex #1) explodes out the front door of his residence.  I say his residence because his gf owns the house and he just mooches off her by living there.  Although I was informed last nite that he pays half the mortgage.  To which I responded, “well that’s really stupid”.  Mistake #3.

He exploded.  Went nuclear.  Screaming at me in front of my middle son and my youngest daughter.  Refused to let the other kids come outside.  As I stood in the driveway with an arm full of milk shakes and what could have only been a dumbfounded look on my face.  Screaming about how I don’t communicate with him (I sent a text, no reply), how I FINALLY started paying for the kids (yeah, let’s not even go there), that I was trespassing, that he was going to try to take the kids from me on weekends and on and on and on.  The neighbors now are aware of every grievance he’s had with me over the past year.  And I do mean every one.  And while I gave better than I got it all boiled down to one thing…a disordered, pathological person dumping all their “stuff” on me.  Nothing new there. 

I called the cops on my way home, shaking like a leaf and had them file a report.  They felt talking to him would likely only make it worse on the kids (I found out this morning that gf had been physically blocking my kids from coming outside to see me) and I guess that makes sense.  Except that this keeps escalating and maybe some police intervention, even a good talking to, might knock him down a peg or two.  We have joint custody…these kids are NOT hostages…and his gf becoming involved upsets me even more.  Don’t even get me started on her and her dysfunctions. 

I couldn’t sleep last night.  I just keep replaying it over and over.  I spoke to my therapist after the cops left and we reviewed everything that happened.  He’s been exploding more and more, she reminded me.  Yes, he got in the face of an umpire at my son’s game last week and the night before this altercation had come off the bench at a remark made by an opposing coach.  He’s a very angry person anyway.  Yes, he was asked to stop coaching my son’s football game because of it.  This guy has ISSUES.  Yes, and he takes them all out on me.  She reminded me that he does this – dumping all his problems on me and blaming everyone but himself.  His life is a mess of his own making and I’m finally getting mine together.  She brings me a lot of peace.

This morning I’m still in shock.  That it even happened.  That he was willing to escalate things to that level in front of so many witness’. 

And I fear what he will do if he catches me alone.

He’s Not a Man At All

“He’s horrible.  He makes me miserable and its so boring and unfulfilling being with him.  He’s not a good man.  He wasn’t before me and he won’t be after me.  I don’t take it personally that he hates me. He hates everyone.”  Indenial

I’m trying to realize that this is a lesson and not the end of me.  This experience is something I had to go through to wake up.  Wake up from a lifetime of abuse, putting myself last, selling myself out and putting up with things no person should ever have to endure.  I’m trying to find the empathy for myself and see that I deserve the good things life has to offer. 

I won’t kid you…it isn’t easy, fun, simple or without an incredibly high price.  But am I worth it?  Am I worth the effort it takes to regain my life, my sanity, my joy, my hope and my dreams?

I’m still deciding.

Escapism

 

“The only way to permanently break the cycle of escapism is to develop a positive perception of reality.  If you associate reality with pain, you will constantly desire to escape.  It’s essential to find happiness in reality that outweighs the suffering caused by its problems.  Find the things in life that give you true joy rather than temporary pleasure.  These are the actions that will build up your belief in a positive reality.  Changing your attitude towards reality is easier said than done.  When you’re accustomed to the cycle of pain and escape, reality feels hopeless.  The truth is that reality is neither bad or good, but an equal mix of the two.  Your attitude is a reflection of the parts that you choose to focus on.  By fixing your attention on sources of hope and joy, you can create positive beliefs and reduce the desire to escape.

 

Another mistake people make is waiting for the future.  Do you have a picture of the “ideal life” you’d like to live?  Is there an “ideal you” that you want to become?  Most people live based on the past, waiting for a revelation to make them who they want to be.  It doesn’t work this way.  Your actions in the present determine the future.  The only way to create the future you want is to start living it right now.  Once you start living according to the future you want to create, it’s easy to spot the behaviors that detract from it.  When you realize that giving up bad habits is a necessary and inevitable part of creating the life you desire, addiction begins to lose it’s power over you.  Temporary pleasure and escape doesn’t have the same appeal.  The more progress you make towards your ideal future, the weaker the desire to escape from reality.  Just like the cycle of escapism, the pattern is self-reinforcing.  Over time, you are able to delight in habits that are congruent with your vision — that strengthen a positive reality instead of numbing pain.  Eventually there is no need or desire to rely on addictions for relief and pleasure can be enjoyed for its own sake.”  Pickthebrain.com

I am deep in the cycle of escapism.  I equate my reality with nothing but pain.  Pain at losing the life I knew and the dream I had deep in my heart.  Pain at losing half of my baby girl’s life to my abuser.  Pain at having to start over AGAIN for what feels like the umpteenth time.  Pain at having to figure out who I really am because I don’t know myself at all although I’ve seen glimpses.  I am operating from a state of learned helplessness – why bother to try again when it will turn out exactly the same as before. 

I’d rather pretend that things aren’t what they are right now.  That I wasn’t caught in the middle of a domestic abuse situation.  I don’t want to deal with my problems let alone all of the problems of my kids’ behaviors as a result of the abuse.  This shit is hard and it’s scary and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going.  I feel overwhelmed every time I start to tackle this mess that is my life.  I just want to sit down in the middle of the road and cry.

I need to develop a positive perception of reality – a reason to get out of bed each morning.  I need to stop wallowing in what has happened to me…the things I had no control over.  I instead need to focus on me and the kids to help us all get through this time in our lives.  We need to find the happiness in our new reality and focus on the things that give us true joy.  How do I do that?  How do I create present that is so good that it overshadows all the shit that happens?  How do I begin to feel in control of my own life when many of the decisions concerning my life are made for me? 

I need to find my reason to hope again so that I won’t feel the overwhelming urge to escape.  I can’t remain tied to the past and expect to make things better for our future.  I have to believe in myself and my ability to overcome this situation.

What I Know

Divorcing my first husband was the third-best decision I’ve ever made.

Divorcing my second husband is the second-best decision I have ever made.

Deciding to have my children was the best decision I have ever made.

I got stabbed in the back today.  What I came to realize, after nearly wrecking my truck and finally calming down, is that I needed it as a wake-up call.  A wake up call not to share information with anyone.  A wake up call to just how disordered both my ex and my abuser are.  A wake up call that those two are never going to change and that they truly have no feeling for me but hate.

What else do I know?  I know that I am strong and capable and willing to work on me so that I don’t ever end up in this position again.  I know that God is watching out for me every step of the way even when I don’t realize it.  I know that these two are so weak alone that they feel they must team up to attack me.  I know that my children are wonderful and that they make each day worth fighting for.

You know, it’s almost laughable to think of my two ex’s hunched over their phones, trying to come up with ways to get back at me.  Almost.

I Want To Be Normal Again

When does the overwhelming fatigue go away?  When will I feel his grip on me loosen?  When will my mind stop rolling the “facts of the case” around and around like a washing machine gone wild?  When will I be “normal” again?

I’m so tired of the dysfunction.  I’m tired of his name being on my lips.  I’m tired of my first thought each day being of him.  I’m tired of being afraid every single time my daughter goes home with him.

How do I move past this?  Where do I find normal?  When do I stop doubting that I am going to survive?  When do I place my trust in the Lord 100%?

I want me back.  I want the happy-go-lucky girl who had a life going for her back.  I want a partner to share my life with.  I want a home that I can call mine.  I want a job that I am proud of.  I want to be normal again.