When I used to think of cheating, I thought of walking in to my bedroom and finding dear hubby being ridden by some skanky hooker. What I never thought of before, but do now, think of cheating is the dozens of women he flirted with, talked to, called on the phone and ignored me for. On days when he acted like I wasn’t his wife, when he shared intimate details of our marriage with x-3, when he talked for hours with 2-faced, when he flirted with some nameless waitress right in front of me…that was cheating just as much as if they’d been having sex on my bed in my home. He shared a part of himself or led me to the conclusion that he had just to hurt me…to watch the pain and rage and shame rip across my heart.
I know in my heart that he didn’t love me, that I was disposable to him and interchangeable with the next brunette who wandered along. I was the faceless object he used to garner his next “high” and the pain of that haunts my dreams. The fact that I loved a monster with all my heart for 3 years haunts me even more.
I got a call from the attorney’s office today that we get to pick up our clothing on Sunday at noon. I’m assuming this means that dear hubby (gag, gag) will be moved out by then. This has nothing to do with furniture or beds or kitchen items. How do I put together an apartment on my budget with no stuff?
I’m trying so hard not to panic. The anxiety is so overwhelming that I feel as if I’m drowning. Where is the meaning in all of this? Is there any meaning in any of this?
I try hard to find a lesson in it all…to see what God is trying to teach me. At this stage that only thing I am coming up with is, “don’t share your heart and trust no one”.
What a sad lesson and a hard way to learn it.
I feel like a shadow boxer – always ducking and looking over my shoulder for the next smack upside the head. It came today, in the usual manner, sucking the strength out of my body.
I ran home at lunch today to grab a paper I had forgotten on my desk. From the driveway, I could see a note stuck to the front door and assumed UPS had tried to deliver something. Then I remembered that I had gotten everything I had recently ordered. My steps slowed as that realization washed over me and by the time I reached the front step my brain was screaming “this won’t be good”. It wasn’t. Dear hubby is being served a “civil paper” by the local sheriff’s office. Lots of stuff raced through my mind but nothing concrete as a reason for this type of service. I immediately call dear hubby to ask if he’s in any legal trouble I should know about and he seemed eerily calm. “Must be somebody suing me for money”, was his answer. Ummm, no, it’s not. He and I were sued 6 months ago by a collection agency and the sheriff’s office had NOTHING to do with any of that paperwork. I ended the conversation with a “well, let me know” to which he said “bye” and hung up on me.
My suspicions by this time were sufficiently aroused that I called the sheriff’s office myself. The kind lady who answered the phone said that all type’s of paperwork were served in that way and it could be anything from:
Warrants of search and/or siezure.
Summonses to appear in court.
Orders of eviction.
Orders of surrender of property.
Orders of quarantine.
Orders to vacate.
Orders to appear.
Wonder if I will ever find out what’s really going on.