Today has been a really sad day. I feel like I’ve lost 6 months of healing in just one week. Wednesday was the verbal attack by ex1. Friday was verbal abuse via email from ex2. Saturday my washing machine died. Sunday I realized as I sent baby girl out the door with ex2 that I would only get to see her 5 hours in the next 3 weeks (which leaves him 499 hours in which to abuse her). Today I found out that the repair bill for the washer will be almost triple what I paid for the damn machine. *sigh* *super sigh* *tears*
I feel like I’ve died and gone right back to hell. AS IF the last year wasn’t a hell-fire and damnation story of epic proportions…now I get to do it all over again THIS year. Great…can’t wait…please note sarcasm.
Why am I on this earth? Why was I born in to a horrifically abusive family who made me the scapegoat? Why didn’t anyone ever intervene? Why didn’t any of my extended family ever love me? Why did God help me to escape only to put me thru 11 months of hell to regain some of what I lost? Why do I have to struggle every single day to provide for my children what most people take for granted…a safe home, a warm meal and a family who loves them.
Why do I keep going? What is the point? Where is all this leading?
Finances are my biggest stumbling block. Abuse I can handle. I’ve been abused my entire life so I know how to deal with that. But although court-ordered to do so, ex2 refuses to pay child support, daycare or medical expenses at all. ex1 pays but when he feels like it and he underreports his income to keep his payments as low as possible. What I’m left with is never having enough money to keep food on the table and my bills paid each month. And their bills…I’m still having to pay for their bills too. I’m always “borrowing” from next month’s paycheck to pay this month’s bills and its a scary place to be. I have no savings. My vehicle needs a ton of repairs AND new tires. I never know when I will get child support. My boss has been steering new clients towards my supervisor instead of to me…I’m even being abused in the workplace. *sigh*
I want to quit. I want to lay down and die in the middle of the road. I see no point in my life. Nothing ever changes…15 months out and just the same shit/different day every single week.
It was a joke to think I deserved better.
I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.
I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.
Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.
I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.
By Lynn S.
I have hit rock bottom today, Lord. The news that my 2 completely f-ed up ex’s are working together is the ultimate nail in the coffin and the full weight of it is pounding down on me. My daycare provider is waffling on helping me fight my abuser and actually said today, “maybe I just wish he’d be a better dad”. Yeah, well, I wished too and look where I ended up! I am exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, disgusted and stunned. By it all. Wondering where and if this nightmare will ever end. I don’t know if I can keep going. I can’t even feel safe in my own home or be myself around my children. How much more can you possibly dish out to me before I just quit? How do I possibly keep being this strong every single day? Every time I start to turn a corner, get my shit together, feel less afraid and have a good day or two…MORE $HIT HAPPENS.
Please help me see that this going to get better. I have trusted you, continued in faith, listened to your voice, felt my baby leap, studied your word and acted according to your will. How much more suffering will I have to endure before my enemies are defeated and my reward delivered?
If it be your will, Lord, please deliver me.
“Being taken care of – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Being controlled – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Focusing on making ONLY someone else happy, at the sacrifice of my own happiness – is NOT an option for me. It is a difficult struggle at times – but I choose my freedom over the illusion of security, which would come at too high a cost.” Growing Strong
I’m struggling with guilt and shame in spades right now. I keep trying to be angry at dear hubby and I just can’t find it. But I AM white-hot angry at myself…for not seeing through him, for not listening to my gut in the beginning and for bringing my baby girl in to an unstable relationship. But things were good at the time we got pregnant and I just keep reminding myself of that. I really didn’t know what he was or what he was capable of but I had inklings. Hindsight is truly 20/20.
The shame runs deep as a river and washes through the valley of pain that cuts a swath across my heart. I am ashamed of being an abused wife, I am ashamed not to be a full-time mom, I am ashamed to be locked out of my house and I am ashamed most of all at the choice I made in a spouse. I had gotten out of an awful marriage, I was starting to put my life back together and I had my own place/life. And I give all that up for a man.
On Tuesday dear hubby “slipped” and alluded to the fact that someone is at the house with him. My daycare gal suspects it to be a female from dear hubby’s reaction when she questioned him on it. Was the slip intentional? Did he know she would run right to me and tell me? I suspected before I ever left him that he was seeing other people. The sex had dwindled to literally nothing as of last fall and he kept blaming it on ED. Really? Sudden ED with no explanation? I also found in his computer history from time to time that he had been cruising the dating websites. I took the news of a potential girlfriend well until last night when I had a total breakdown. Again, the feeling of being thrown away like garbage came rushing in and despair ran like rivers down my face. How does he explain all of my things that are still in the house to her? The wedding picture that is still hanging on the wall? Is she as naive and blind as I was? Is she good to my baby girl?
The guilt and shame just keep on rolling in.
“You might be eating dirt & weeds, but at least you’re free.” Navy Seals
Life is a rollercoaster right now. I have good days, I have great days and I have days so low that I beg God to make the pain stop. I go to work, take care of my kids, attend their activities and I worry. I worry about all the things in my kids’ lives that I have no control over. All the obstacles I have given them by marrying their disordered fathers. It’s enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and die.
So, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and push on. Cause while I am eating dirt and weeds right now I can truly say that at least I’m free.