I can’t remember now how the topic came up but the kids and I got to talking about my being “child free” last night – as in, never having had them at all. I went on about trips I could take, cleaning I would no longer have to do and all the eating out I could indulge in. What didn’t occur to me then, and wish now it would have, is that I think they took my comments very much to heart. If I had a “do over” I would have followed that up with, “but I would never trade you guys for a spotless house, trips or crappy restaurant food”. But I didn’t.
Some days I just feel like a really bad Mom.
I have hit rock bottom today, Lord. The news that my 2 completely f-ed up ex’s are working together is the ultimate nail in the coffin and the full weight of it is pounding down on me. My daycare provider is waffling on helping me fight my abuser and actually said today, “maybe I just wish he’d be a better dad”. Yeah, well, I wished too and look where I ended up! I am exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, disgusted and stunned. By it all. Wondering where and if this nightmare will ever end. I don’t know if I can keep going. I can’t even feel safe in my own home or be myself around my children. How much more can you possibly dish out to me before I just quit? How do I possibly keep being this strong every single day? Every time I start to turn a corner, get my shit together, feel less afraid and have a good day or two…MORE $HIT HAPPENS.
Please help me see that this going to get better. I have trusted you, continued in faith, listened to your voice, felt my baby leap, studied your word and acted according to your will. How much more suffering will I have to endure before my enemies are defeated and my reward delivered?
If it be your will, Lord, please deliver me.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. God
I am trying. I am trying so, so, so hard to remain faithful and in prayer during this time of testing. The Bible says, “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
I feel hopeless. There, I said it. I feel like this nightmare will never end, and if by chance it does, it will not be a fairytale ending by any stretch of the imagination. I am despairing and writhing and crying out to God and feeling so alone. No one understands what I am going through except God.
Has he forgotten about me and my children in the middle of nowhere?
When I used to think of cheating, I thought of walking in to my bedroom and finding dear hubby being ridden by some skanky hooker. What I never thought of before, but do now, think of cheating is the dozens of women he flirted with, talked to, called on the phone and ignored me for. On days when he acted like I wasn’t his wife, when he shared intimate details of our marriage with x-3, when he talked for hours with 2-faced, when he flirted with some nameless waitress right in front of me…that was cheating just as much as if they’d been having sex on my bed in my home. He shared a part of himself or led me to the conclusion that he had just to hurt me…to watch the pain and rage and shame rip across my heart.
I know in my heart that he didn’t love me, that I was disposable to him and interchangeable with the next brunette who wandered along. I was the faceless object he used to garner his next “high” and the pain of that haunts my dreams. The fact that I loved a monster with all my heart for 3 years haunts me even more.
“So hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause we are stronger here together
Then we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me
Don’t you ever let me go
Hold on to me, it’s gonna be alright
Hold on to me tonight” Michael Buble
Holding on is all I’ve been doing lately. My abuser has turned his rage on my baby girl and she is now suffering in ways I could never have imagined. It makes me physically ill to see her go through this time of shock, confusion and abuse. Absolutely sick.
I am finally coming to a place of acceptance that he never loved me and that his actions are his problems…not mine. It is an incredibly painful reality to realize he never cared about me but almost unfathomable the lengths he has gone to remind me of that reality. Locking us out of the house, fighting for our daughter, showing off the new girlfriend…all signs screaming disorder. Yet at the same time tearing my heart out of my chest and stomping on it in the street.
So I will continue to hold on and fight for what I know is right. Because fighting for my girl is something I would do to my very last breath.
“Being taken care of – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Being controlled – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Focusing on making ONLY someone else happy, at the sacrifice of my own happiness – is NOT an option for me. It is a difficult struggle at times – but I choose my freedom over the illusion of security, which would come at too high a cost.” Growing Strong
I’m struggling with guilt and shame in spades right now. I keep trying to be angry at dear hubby and I just can’t find it. But I AM white-hot angry at myself…for not seeing through him, for not listening to my gut in the beginning and for bringing my baby girl in to an unstable relationship. But things were good at the time we got pregnant and I just keep reminding myself of that. I really didn’t know what he was or what he was capable of but I had inklings. Hindsight is truly 20/20.
The shame runs deep as a river and washes through the valley of pain that cuts a swath across my heart. I am ashamed of being an abused wife, I am ashamed not to be a full-time mom, I am ashamed to be locked out of my house and I am ashamed most of all at the choice I made in a spouse. I had gotten out of an awful marriage, I was starting to put my life back together and I had my own place/life. And I give all that up for a man.
On Tuesday dear hubby “slipped” and alluded to the fact that someone is at the house with him. My daycare gal suspects it to be a female from dear hubby’s reaction when she questioned him on it. Was the slip intentional? Did he know she would run right to me and tell me? I suspected before I ever left him that he was seeing other people. The sex had dwindled to literally nothing as of last fall and he kept blaming it on ED. Really? Sudden ED with no explanation? I also found in his computer history from time to time that he had been cruising the dating websites. I took the news of a potential girlfriend well until last night when I had a total breakdown. Again, the feeling of being thrown away like garbage came rushing in and despair ran like rivers down my face. How does he explain all of my things that are still in the house to her? The wedding picture that is still hanging on the wall? Is she as naive and blind as I was? Is she good to my baby girl?
The guilt and shame just keep on rolling in.