A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘sad’

Every Day I’m Shuffling

“Life is Difficult” ~ M. Scott Peck

Peck knows what he is talking about.  Life is so freaking difficult sometimes that I just meltdown in sobs.  I’m not a sobber…or I wasn’t until I left asshat ex2.  (Oh I’m sorry, the incredibly pathological personality disordered man, er boy, who was my second husband.  He’s still an asshat though.)  I can’t seem to get my life rolling in any solid direction.  Just when I feel like I have a handle on shit then it all goes to shit…in a handbasket.  I feel like hell.

Did I tell you that I got accosted (is that a word?) at the grocery store last week?  Yeah, in the midst of my week from hell I cut some woman off from her lettuce.  Seriously…she said, “you cut me off from my lettuce”.  I just stared at her…then she said, “I would never have cut you off from your cucumbers”.  That’s where I was standing when this conversation went down.  I felt like I was on punk’d and kept waiting for Ashton to jump out.  Didn’t happen.  Again.  I finally said, “excuse me?”…she repeated it all again (blah, blah, lettuce…blah, blah, cucumbers) and I walked away shaking my head.  She looked mentally ill but even so I will mark that down on my list of shit not to ever do again…cut someone off from their lettuce.

I’ve listed some more of my stuff to sell.  Not willingly.  The aforementioned asshat still isn’t paying child support and I’ve got some big bills looming in the next 2 weeks so I’m gonna thin the herd.  We may end up sitting on lawn chairs to eat.  I had to do this a month ago because I couldn’t pay my rent.  This month its my vehicle payment, new tires, glasses for myself and license plate renewal which is 2 months overdue.  I just kept thinking that money would show up from somewhere (hello?  IRS?) but magical thinking has never worked for me.  It would be nice to get some mail that didn’t include multi-figure amounts and due-by dates.

I want my life to change.  I want a new job – one without verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and enough disordered people to fill a mental ward.  I want a peaceful life – one that doesn’t include psycho ex’s screaming at me on the front lawn.  I want money to be able to pay my bills and take my kids to the movies once in a while.  Not the expensive theatre…the $2.50/kid theatre.  I want to be able to eat out once in a while when I’m too tired to cook and not have to worry about which bill I won’t be able to pay.  I want my ex’s to start paying the bills that they were court-ordered to pay and stop mooching off me. 

I’ve read that I need to be the change I want to see. 

Please tell me how to do that.

 

Right Back to Hell

Today has been a really sad day.  I feel like I’ve lost 6 months of healing in just one week.  Wednesday was the verbal attack by ex1.  Friday was verbal abuse via email from ex2.  Saturday my washing machine died.  Sunday I realized as I sent baby girl out the door with ex2 that I would only get to see her 5 hours in the next 3 weeks (which leaves him 499 hours in which to abuse her).  Today I found out that the repair bill for the washer will be almost triple what I paid for the damn machine.  *sigh*  *super sigh*  *tears*

I feel like I’ve died and gone right back to hell.  AS IF the last year wasn’t a hell-fire and damnation story of epic proportions…now I get to do it all over again THIS year.  Great…can’t wait…please note sarcasm.

Why am I on this earth?  Why was I born in to a horrifically abusive family who made me the scapegoat?  Why didn’t anyone ever intervene?  Why didn’t any of my extended family ever love me?  Why did God help me to escape only to put me thru 11 months of hell to regain some of what I lost?  Why do I have to struggle every single day to provide for my children what most people take for granted…a safe home, a warm meal and a family who loves them. 

Why do I keep going?  What is the point?  Where is all this leading?

Finances are my biggest stumbling block.  Abuse I can handle.  I’ve been abused my entire life so I know how to deal with that.  But although court-ordered to do so, ex2 refuses to pay child support, daycare or medical expenses at all.  ex1 pays but when he feels like it and he underreports his income to keep his payments as low as possible.  What I’m left with is never having enough money to keep food on the table and my bills paid each month.  And their bills…I’m still having to pay for their bills too.  I’m always “borrowing” from next month’s paycheck to pay this month’s bills and its a scary place to be.  I have no savings.  My vehicle needs a ton of repairs AND new tires.  I never know when I will get child support.  My boss has been steering new clients towards my supervisor instead of to me…I’m even being abused in the workplace.  *sigh*   

I want to quit.  I want to lay down and die in the middle of the road.  I see no point in my life.  Nothing ever changes…15 months out and just the same shit/different day every single week. 

It was a joke to think I deserved better.

Cheater, Cheater, Biscuit Eater

In the midst of all the chaos this week I happened upon a bit of info that confirmed, soothed and crushed all at the same time. 

My abuser is cheating on his live-in girlfriend.

Now I don’t know how long he’s been “with”  woman #1 (the live-in) or what lies he told her to get her there but I saw her at his house starting last summer when I picked up some of my belongings, thru the fall when I picked up more belongings (she stood outside for this one) and now we are back to summer again so they’ve been “acquainted” approximately a year.  She moved in with him, according to unsolicited eye-witness reports, 3 weeks ago.  He also proudly drives her vehicle (with her along for the ride, of course) to my home to pick-up and drop-off baby girl for the past 3 weeks.

Enter woman #2.  The woman I suspected he was cheating on me with starting approximately two years ago when baby girl was just an infant.  Strange phone calls showing up on our cell phone bill.  Mysterious late nights at work (she worked in the office).  Suddenly working tons of weekend overtime without corresponding increased paychecks.  It was shortly after this behavior started that I stopped having “relations” with him.  I’m thankful for my intuition because a month or so later he reeked “down there”…that was a God thing. 

Anywho, woman #2 has been in the picture longer than live-in gf and it was woman #2 who showed up with my abuser this past week to pick up baby girl.  They looked cozy in his truck.  Comfy together.  Like boyfriend and girlfriend.  But he’s living with #1.  Baby girl talks about #2 ALL THE TIME…calls her by name…even asks me to see her.  But I’ve never heard a name for woman #1 and have no idea who she is as I was assigning woman #2’s name to woman #1 since baby girl talked about her all the time.  Confused yet?  Me too.

Woman #1 drives a vehicle that looks just like the one I had when I met my abuser.  She dresses similarly but is not real savvy based on a couple of exposures I’ve had to her.  Not real savvy works reeeeal well for my abuser.  The more naive’ they are the longer it takes them to figure him out (took me 3 years, wife 1 approximately 8 years and wife 2 12+ years – she is still his “friend”).  He is just that covert and that good at the con. 

It is surreal to watch them pull up to my home…gives me a sense of deja’ vu.  Like watching myself 4 years ago when I first met him.  And watching him run this ruse on these two women just takes me right back to all the doubts I had about him when we were together.  My gut feeling that something was wrong…that his stories weren’t adding up…and my intuition was right.  It was so right that it’s scary.

So I feel confirmed by the fact that he cannot be faithful.  C.A.N.N.O.T.  I feel soothed yet again that IT’S NOT ME!  While I certainly have my issues and I needed defined boundaries soooooo badly throughout my life but didn’t know it – I am not a serial cheater/wife abuser/child abuser/total douche canoe/asshole. 

However, I have a twinge of pain (that crushing feeling) when he pulls up at my home with the “her of the moment” because I was replaced so easily.  So quickly.  Like a malfunctioning toaster he threw me away and got a shiny new model.  I loved this man.  I gave him everything and it very nearly cost me my life and my daughter.  But that’s the old me talking…and karma is a far meaner bitch than I.  The new me would like to remind these women of an old saying. 

If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you.

He’s Nothing To Write Home About

And I refused to be someone who sacrifices her young to keep a man…

Strongerthanever

This is why I left.  To prevent him from abusing my older children as I was starting to see him do in small ways.  Small ways always lead to bigger ways with abusers.  And I wanted to give my baby girl the best chance at an abuse-free life I possibly could. 

I was let down by the court system.  I see that now and I will no longer blame God.  He is not allowing my daughter to be abused – she is being abused because that’s what abusers do.  The court system should have protected her from the abuser.  We are given free will to do as we please and it pleases him to abuse/neglect her on his weeks with her.

Matthew 18:10

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

 

I am doing everything I can to keep her safe.  I”m doing everything I can to make sure that she is surrounded by witnesses and people who can support and love her during this time.  I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN DO.

Care Giving

 

“Core-damaged children grow into needful adults. They might fear that if they let themselves love somebody as intensely as they want to, that person will shriek, run off into the night and abandon them. Their sense of need feels gigantic, and often painful. It presumes that someone on the receiving end won’t be able to handle it–which triggers shame for being “so needy.” This shame makes one want to shut-down their needs (or control them), which is a defense that has one giving to others, what he/she desperately requires. It also has them choosing emotionally unavailable partners who reactivate painful sensations that reinforce their core abandonment trauma.”  Gettinbetter.com

This is me.  This is exactly me.  Now my job is to figure out how to fix me.

 

Escapism

 

“The only way to permanently break the cycle of escapism is to develop a positive perception of reality.  If you associate reality with pain, you will constantly desire to escape.  It’s essential to find happiness in reality that outweighs the suffering caused by its problems.  Find the things in life that give you true joy rather than temporary pleasure.  These are the actions that will build up your belief in a positive reality.  Changing your attitude towards reality is easier said than done.  When you’re accustomed to the cycle of pain and escape, reality feels hopeless.  The truth is that reality is neither bad or good, but an equal mix of the two.  Your attitude is a reflection of the parts that you choose to focus on.  By fixing your attention on sources of hope and joy, you can create positive beliefs and reduce the desire to escape.

 

Another mistake people make is waiting for the future.  Do you have a picture of the “ideal life” you’d like to live?  Is there an “ideal you” that you want to become?  Most people live based on the past, waiting for a revelation to make them who they want to be.  It doesn’t work this way.  Your actions in the present determine the future.  The only way to create the future you want is to start living it right now.  Once you start living according to the future you want to create, it’s easy to spot the behaviors that detract from it.  When you realize that giving up bad habits is a necessary and inevitable part of creating the life you desire, addiction begins to lose it’s power over you.  Temporary pleasure and escape doesn’t have the same appeal.  The more progress you make towards your ideal future, the weaker the desire to escape from reality.  Just like the cycle of escapism, the pattern is self-reinforcing.  Over time, you are able to delight in habits that are congruent with your vision — that strengthen a positive reality instead of numbing pain.  Eventually there is no need or desire to rely on addictions for relief and pleasure can be enjoyed for its own sake.”  Pickthebrain.com

I am deep in the cycle of escapism.  I equate my reality with nothing but pain.  Pain at losing the life I knew and the dream I had deep in my heart.  Pain at losing half of my baby girl’s life to my abuser.  Pain at having to start over AGAIN for what feels like the umpteenth time.  Pain at having to figure out who I really am because I don’t know myself at all although I’ve seen glimpses.  I am operating from a state of learned helplessness – why bother to try again when it will turn out exactly the same as before. 

I’d rather pretend that things aren’t what they are right now.  That I wasn’t caught in the middle of a domestic abuse situation.  I don’t want to deal with my problems let alone all of the problems of my kids’ behaviors as a result of the abuse.  This shit is hard and it’s scary and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going.  I feel overwhelmed every time I start to tackle this mess that is my life.  I just want to sit down in the middle of the road and cry.

I need to develop a positive perception of reality – a reason to get out of bed each morning.  I need to stop wallowing in what has happened to me…the things I had no control over.  I instead need to focus on me and the kids to help us all get through this time in our lives.  We need to find the happiness in our new reality and focus on the things that give us true joy.  How do I do that?  How do I create present that is so good that it overshadows all the shit that happens?  How do I begin to feel in control of my own life when many of the decisions concerning my life are made for me? 

I need to find my reason to hope again so that I won’t feel the overwhelming urge to escape.  I can’t remain tied to the past and expect to make things better for our future.  I have to believe in myself and my ability to overcome this situation.

Cast Away

I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.

I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.

Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.

I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.

By Lynn S.