A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘revelations’

Cheater, Cheater, Biscuit Eater

In the midst of all the chaos this week I happened upon a bit of info that confirmed, soothed and crushed all at the same time. 

My abuser is cheating on his live-in girlfriend.

Now I don’t know how long he’s been “with”  woman #1 (the live-in) or what lies he told her to get her there but I saw her at his house starting last summer when I picked up some of my belongings, thru the fall when I picked up more belongings (she stood outside for this one) and now we are back to summer again so they’ve been “acquainted” approximately a year.  She moved in with him, according to unsolicited eye-witness reports, 3 weeks ago.  He also proudly drives her vehicle (with her along for the ride, of course) to my home to pick-up and drop-off baby girl for the past 3 weeks.

Enter woman #2.  The woman I suspected he was cheating on me with starting approximately two years ago when baby girl was just an infant.  Strange phone calls showing up on our cell phone bill.  Mysterious late nights at work (she worked in the office).  Suddenly working tons of weekend overtime without corresponding increased paychecks.  It was shortly after this behavior started that I stopped having “relations” with him.  I’m thankful for my intuition because a month or so later he reeked “down there”…that was a God thing. 

Anywho, woman #2 has been in the picture longer than live-in gf and it was woman #2 who showed up with my abuser this past week to pick up baby girl.  They looked cozy in his truck.  Comfy together.  Like boyfriend and girlfriend.  But he’s living with #1.  Baby girl talks about #2 ALL THE TIME…calls her by name…even asks me to see her.  But I’ve never heard a name for woman #1 and have no idea who she is as I was assigning woman #2’s name to woman #1 since baby girl talked about her all the time.  Confused yet?  Me too.

Woman #1 drives a vehicle that looks just like the one I had when I met my abuser.  She dresses similarly but is not real savvy based on a couple of exposures I’ve had to her.  Not real savvy works reeeeal well for my abuser.  The more naive’ they are the longer it takes them to figure him out (took me 3 years, wife 1 approximately 8 years and wife 2 12+ years – she is still his “friend”).  He is just that covert and that good at the con. 

It is surreal to watch them pull up to my home…gives me a sense of deja’ vu.  Like watching myself 4 years ago when I first met him.  And watching him run this ruse on these two women just takes me right back to all the doubts I had about him when we were together.  My gut feeling that something was wrong…that his stories weren’t adding up…and my intuition was right.  It was so right that it’s scary.

So I feel confirmed by the fact that he cannot be faithful.  C.A.N.N.O.T.  I feel soothed yet again that IT’S NOT ME!  While I certainly have my issues and I needed defined boundaries soooooo badly throughout my life but didn’t know it – I am not a serial cheater/wife abuser/child abuser/total douche canoe/asshole. 

However, I have a twinge of pain (that crushing feeling) when he pulls up at my home with the “her of the moment” because I was replaced so easily.  So quickly.  Like a malfunctioning toaster he threw me away and got a shiny new model.  I loved this man.  I gave him everything and it very nearly cost me my life and my daughter.  But that’s the old me talking…and karma is a far meaner bitch than I.  The new me would like to remind these women of an old saying. 

If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you.

God Gave Me You

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
Gave me you

Blake Shelton

What I Know

Divorcing my first husband was the third-best decision I’ve ever made.

Divorcing my second husband is the second-best decision I have ever made.

Deciding to have my children was the best decision I have ever made.

I got stabbed in the back today.  What I came to realize, after nearly wrecking my truck and finally calming down, is that I needed it as a wake-up call.  A wake up call not to share information with anyone.  A wake up call to just how disordered both my ex and my abuser are.  A wake up call that those two are never going to change and that they truly have no feeling for me but hate.

What else do I know?  I know that I am strong and capable and willing to work on me so that I don’t ever end up in this position again.  I know that God is watching out for me every step of the way even when I don’t realize it.  I know that these two are so weak alone that they feel they must team up to attack me.  I know that my children are wonderful and that they make each day worth fighting for.

You know, it’s almost laughable to think of my two ex’s hunched over their phones, trying to come up with ways to get back at me.  Almost.

I Wasn’t Ready To Hear It

“If they have no savings by middle age, and come with a collection of divorce certificates, child support decrees, and a bankruptcy…contact your nearest mental health professional to discover why you believe it is your duty and calling to rescue someone who has done and will continue to do a fine job of burying themselves alive. It is said that teenagers do dumb things because their brains are not fully developed until the age of 21; however, this is not appropriate behavior for a middle-aged man.”

God, I wish I would have listened to both you and my gut (one in the same?) when things got bad at month 5.  And again at month 10.  And again at month 12.  It boils down to the simple fact that I wasn’t ready to accept what I already knew – he wasn’t the one for me.  Instead, I forced a square peg in to a round hole over and over and over.

I am finding as I move further along in my journey of recovery that this all has less to do with my abuser than with my family of origin issues.  Whew!  Never expected to hear that come out of my mouth, did ya?  It’s true…I would never have accepted what my abuser was dishing out if I hadn’t been conditioned to accept abuse starting when I was a small child.  I have poor non-existent boundaries in relationships and I’m too nice because that is how I was raised.  I’m a perfectionist because that is how I got my mother’s love – by being the perfect oldest child.  By taking care of everyone else and never having anyone take care of me.  I am controlling of my schedule because my life has never felt like it was under my control.

I had a fantastic conversation with a woman yesterday who hadn’t seen me for some time.  She asked how things had been and I started to tell her my story.  And SHE GOT IT!  She understood and validated me and I could have talked to her for hours.  When I finally stopped rattling my head off, she looked at me and said, “you look great and you are going to be fine…I just know it”.  Just like that.

So I continue onward down the road.  I feel strong today and I clearly feel the Holy Spirit at work inside me.  Changing me.  Molding me.  Speaking to me in a voice so clear it’s amazing.  I am going to be ok.  I will make sure of that.

Sued

I feel like a shadow boxer – always ducking and looking over my shoulder for the next smack upside the head.  It came today, in the usual manner, sucking the strength out of my body. 

I ran home at lunch today to grab a paper I had forgotten on my desk.  From the driveway, I could see a note stuck to the front door and assumed UPS had tried to deliver something.  Then I remembered that I had gotten everything I had recently ordered.  My steps slowed as that realization washed over me and by the time I reached the front step my brain was screaming “this won’t be good”.  It wasn’t.  Dear hubby is being served a “civil paper” by the local sheriff’s office.  Lots of stuff raced through my mind but nothing concrete as a reason for this type of service.  I immediately call dear hubby to ask if he’s in any legal trouble I should know about and he seemed eerily calm.  “Must be somebody suing me for money”, was his answer.  Ummm, no, it’s not.  He and I were sued 6 months ago by a collection agency and the sheriff’s office had NOTHING to do with any of that paperwork.  I ended the conversation with a “well, let me know” to which he said “bye” and hung up on me.

My suspicions by this time were sufficiently aroused that I called the sheriff’s office myself.  The kind lady who answered the phone said that all type’s of paperwork were served in that way and it could be anything from:

  • Warrants of search and/or siezure.
  • Summonses to appear in court.
  • Orders of eviction.
  • Orders of surrender of property.
  • Orders of quarantine.
  • Orders to vacate.
  • Orders to appear.
  •  

    Wonder if I will ever find out what’s really going on.

    Revelation Road

    Due to an unhealthy level of anxiety, I am now on medication twice daily to deal with the endless train track in my mind.  It is constantly on the go and contributes to my frequent bouts of insomnia.  This morning on my way to work was no exception on the coo-coo express; my mind was a-whirling, replaying events from the last couple of days. 

    Since the last couple of blow-ups from dear hubby I have completely distanced myself from him.  No touching, little talking and I try not to be in the same room alone with him.  It hurts too much, all the nasty things he has said and done to me, and the 3 years I have wasted on this relationship burn with shame.  I feel like shutting down is my last vestige of protection until I can get my kids and myself out of this nightmare.

    Last night while talking to dear hubby (who was facebooking) I happened to glance up to say something and saw he had friended a friend of mine from my single days.  I knew this because I saw my comment from earlier that day to said friend and remembered his post.  Now some people may think nothing of it…however, dear hubby has never, ever, never did I say never met this person.  I have never spoken of this person to dear hubby for good reason – he’s a friend, lives in Canada and that’s that.

    Now put these pieces together and you have me, almost having an accident on my way to work this morning, realizing that dear hubby will NEVER get it.  He has attributed my distance to the fact that I’m having an affair – not to his own shit behaviour.  And I finally see that there is no hope in this relationship…especially with a partner who is never responsible for ANYTHING.

    I’ve traveled my very own revelation road.