I can’t remember now how the topic came up but the kids and I got to talking about my being “child free” last night – as in, never having had them at all. I went on about trips I could take, cleaning I would no longer have to do and all the eating out I could indulge in. What didn’t occur to me then, and wish now it would have, is that I think they took my comments very much to heart. If I had a “do over” I would have followed that up with, “but I would never trade you guys for a spotless house, trips or crappy restaurant food”. But I didn’t.
Some days I just feel like a really bad Mom.
What a waste. Of my time. Of my youth. Of my love. Years spent that I will never get back.
I’m still deep in the grief of my loss. I have a wonderful grasp of the reality of my situation but it doesn’t change the overwhelming sadness I feel for my loss. I miss the him I thought I knew. I miss the him who pretended to love me. I miss the joy I felt when he got home from trucking. I miss waking up wrapped in his arms. I miss the home we shared and the yard I tended to for us. I miss my life.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. God
I am trying. I am trying so, so, so hard to remain faithful and in prayer during this time of testing. The Bible says, “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
I feel hopeless. There, I said it. I feel like this nightmare will never end, and if by chance it does, it will not be a fairytale ending by any stretch of the imagination. I am despairing and writhing and crying out to God and feeling so alone. No one understands what I am going through except God.
Has he forgotten about me and my children in the middle of nowhere?
“Being taken care of – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Being controlled – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Focusing on making ONLY someone else happy, at the sacrifice of my own happiness – is NOT an option for me. It is a difficult struggle at times – but I choose my freedom over the illusion of security, which would come at too high a cost.” Growing Strong
I’m struggling with guilt and shame in spades right now. I keep trying to be angry at dear hubby and I just can’t find it. But I AM white-hot angry at myself…for not seeing through him, for not listening to my gut in the beginning and for bringing my baby girl in to an unstable relationship. But things were good at the time we got pregnant and I just keep reminding myself of that. I really didn’t know what he was or what he was capable of but I had inklings. Hindsight is truly 20/20.
The shame runs deep as a river and washes through the valley of pain that cuts a swath across my heart. I am ashamed of being an abused wife, I am ashamed not to be a full-time mom, I am ashamed to be locked out of my house and I am ashamed most of all at the choice I made in a spouse. I had gotten out of an awful marriage, I was starting to put my life back together and I had my own place/life. And I give all that up for a man.
On Tuesday dear hubby “slipped” and alluded to the fact that someone is at the house with him. My daycare gal suspects it to be a female from dear hubby’s reaction when she questioned him on it. Was the slip intentional? Did he know she would run right to me and tell me? I suspected before I ever left him that he was seeing other people. The sex had dwindled to literally nothing as of last fall and he kept blaming it on ED. Really? Sudden ED with no explanation? I also found in his computer history from time to time that he had been cruising the dating websites. I took the news of a potential girlfriend well until last night when I had a total breakdown. Again, the feeling of being thrown away like garbage came rushing in and despair ran like rivers down my face. How does he explain all of my things that are still in the house to her? The wedding picture that is still hanging on the wall? Is she as naive and blind as I was? Is she good to my baby girl?
The guilt and shame just keep on rolling in.
“You might be eating dirt & weeds, but at least you’re free.” Navy Seals
Life is a rollercoaster right now. I have good days, I have great days and I have days so low that I beg God to make the pain stop. I go to work, take care of my kids, attend their activities and I worry. I worry about all the things in my kids’ lives that I have no control over. All the obstacles I have given them by marrying their disordered fathers. It’s enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and die.
So, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and push on. Cause while I am eating dirt and weeds right now I can truly say that at least I’m free.
I had a rather revealing conversation yesterday with someone who used to be my “bestie”. We did everything together and then slowly, for reasons that I won’t expound on, her company became less and less desirable. Up until about a month ago, I hadn’t spoken to her in over a year. When I did try to rekindle the flame all of the reasons for my no-contact came rushing back at me. However, a comment she made last night really smacked me in the face and made me cherish the fact that we used to be friends. Her comment was, “and I know you don’t really have anyone to talk to”. Right there, in black and white…I have no friends. I have spent my entire life taking care of other people and being responsive to their needs and paying their way and I have NOTHING to show for it. I tend to be socially inept and can’t seem to keep a conversation going to save my ass. But hand me a checkbook (or some lube) and I will take care of ALL of your needs.
Psychologists would say I am codependent and I believe that assumption to be correct. I was raised to be one by my abusive, narcissistic mother who hit me if I sighed in a manner that was less than pleasing. And I left her to marry my first narcissistic husband (a somatic) only to leave him and fall in with my second narcissistic husband (a cerebral).
God, if I survive this education, I promise to stay in therapy until I am FIXED!!