A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘Recluse’

Cast Away

I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.

I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.

Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.

I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.

By Lynn S.

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Depression

“I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die… What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”

During the fourth stage, the person begins to understand the certainty of the situation.  Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving.  This process allows the person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection.  It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage.  It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.  Also referred to as preparatory grieving.  In a way it’s the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the ‘aftermath’ although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves.  It’s a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment.  It’s natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc.  It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.  This is when it sinks in there’s no going back to this man and that the man you loved never existed.  You mourn the loss of time and the abuse you tolerated.  You direct the anger at yourself and feel stupid for being with him and fear getting into another relationship, lest you become involved with another man just like him.  Like the Anger stage, you don’t want to get stuck here either. Feeling sadness over this relationship is natural, but don’t let your experience with this man distort how you view all relationships.  Not all men are like him and, if you can feel the painful and difficult feelings that ending this relationship brings up, you’ll get through it.

If I can just feel the painful and heartwrenching feelings that the end of this “relationship” have forced out of my gaping chest wound, then I will get through it.  Words to cling to and hang my hat on.

I’m getting there.  There.  That place of acceptance that tells me that I have found the reality of the situation and looked it squarely in the eye without flinching.  No longer lying in bed sobbing for the loss of my “normal”.  No longer in fear for my kids and I’s safety – emotional or physical.

It’s been a slow, tumultuous trip so far and one that is far from done.  New temporary hearing.  Mediation.  Trial.  That’s a lot more grief to go through to reach the path of acceptance and freedom.

I better pack a bigger bag.

I Want To Be Normal Again

When does the overwhelming fatigue go away?  When will I feel his grip on me loosen?  When will my mind stop rolling the “facts of the case” around and around like a washing machine gone wild?  When will I be “normal” again?

I’m so tired of the dysfunction.  I’m tired of his name being on my lips.  I’m tired of my first thought each day being of him.  I’m tired of being afraid every single time my daughter goes home with him.

How do I move past this?  Where do I find normal?  When do I stop doubting that I am going to survive?  When do I place my trust in the Lord 100%?

I want me back.  I want the happy-go-lucky girl who had a life going for her back.  I want a partner to share my life with.  I want a home that I can call mine.  I want a job that I am proud of.  I want to be normal again.

Loose Ends

Being alone with one’s thoughts can be scary.  Especially when you are so used to turning yourself inside out figuring out what your partner is thinking.  Suddenly being left alone to do what you want, on your own timeline, can seem a daunting proposition.

That’s where I am…figuring out who I was before I got wrapped up in misery.  I used to be vivacious, care-free, energetic, silly and always meeting up with friends.  Over the last three years I have become a recluse, shying away from activities that would set off the silent treatment.  I keep asking myself, “why did I stay” and “what made me think this was ok”??

When the light of day was finally shone on this black hole – I was set free.  And there is no turning back now.