A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘rage’

Dear God, How Much More?

I have hit rock bottom today, Lord.  The news that my 2 completely f-ed up ex’s are working together is the ultimate nail in the coffin and the full weight of it is pounding down on me.  My daycare provider is waffling on helping me fight my abuser and actually said today, “maybe I just wish he’d be a better dad”.  Yeah, well, I wished too and look where I ended up!  I am exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, disgusted and stunned.  By it all.  Wondering where and if this nightmare will ever end.  I don’t know if I can keep going.  I can’t even feel safe in my own home or be myself around my children.  How much more can you possibly dish out to me before I just quit?  How do I possibly keep being this strong every single day?  Every time I start to turn a corner, get my shit together, feel less afraid and have a good day or two…MORE $HIT HAPPENS.

Please help me see that this going to get better.  I have trusted you, continued in faith, listened to your voice, felt my baby leap, studied your word and acted according to your will.  How much more suffering will I have to endure before my enemies are defeated and my reward delivered?

If it be your will, Lord, please deliver me.

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Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  God

I am trying.  I am trying so, so, so hard to remain faithful and in prayer during this time of testing.  The Bible says, “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” 

I feel hopeless.  There, I said it.  I feel like this nightmare will never end, and if by chance it does, it will not be a fairytale ending by any stretch of the imagination.  I am despairing and writhing and crying out to God and feeling so alone.  No one understands what I am going through except God. 

Has he forgotten about me and my children in the middle of nowhere?

Trying?

Vagueness, rage, lack of commitment, hope, rejection, name-calling, abandonment, love — a crazy, uncertain roller coaster ride. I never, ever knew where I stood; but, when I was so rude as to ASK I got only disgust and anger and blame. I was supposed to be some kind of perfect smiling plastic person who had no needs and made no demands on him or his time. It wore me down so much. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  I kept trying, though — trying to be perfect and sweet and uncomplaining, even when hurt and dumped and devalued.

Scattered

This is where I am and where I have been for some time now.  Lost.  All over the place.  Flitting from indecisive to firmly decided and back again.  And then it hits…the belly-churning fear.  How will dear husband react to being served papers?  What level of rage will he hit when he realizes where the money came from for such service?  Will he try to throw me out of our the house?  How much harder will life be once the decision is FINALLY made?

And then my mind drifts to how life will be after the deed is done.  Calm.  Peaceful.  Happy.  Healthy.  A life of MY choosing: what we eat, where we go, who we see and what color the comforter will be on my bed.  A life well lived; no longer hidden out of shame and fear.

Am I strong enough to move forward?  To get myself un-stuck?  To finally break free from the madness that is him – the arbitrary rules that change daily and never knowing if it’s Jekyll or Hyde I will wake up with each day.  God, I hope so. 

I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take.