“If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found.” – Anonymous
I’ve certainly been lost. Lost in my own mind, in a world of my own making and in a maze to rival that of Alice in Wonderland. But slowly, ever so slowly, I am finding my way towards the light. There but for the grace of God go I.
Today would have been my 3rd wedding anniversary. He refused to “celebrate” the first one…I didn’t really think there was much to celebrate as the abuse was becoming more overt at that point. The screaming rages over nothing. The snide comments on my clothes, housekeeping, weight gain, cooking, child rearing…you name it, he criticized it. His accusations of my infidelity which I later found out were projections to hide his own cheating.
What I didn’t realize at the time is that he was already starting a smear campaign against me with “our” friends. Telling them things I said or did that I wasn’t and wouldn’t have done. I couldn’t understand why they suddenly weren’t inviting us over or looking me in the eye anymore. Makes perfect sense now. Now that I know what he is.
Sociopath. The word makes you think of Hannibel Lecter. Or Jeffrey Dahmer. Not some skinny little mechanic from nowhere, Nebraska. Yet the lives left in ruin tell their own tale – 3 wives, 11 kids and countless girlfriends/one night stands left in his wake. Damaged. Abused. Disregarded. Discarded.
By the 2nd anniversary the kids and I were living in our apartment and staring shell-shocked at each other trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. My 2nd son and I experiencing the beginnings of PTSD. My baby girl being forced not to see me for a week at a time due to court order. Sleeping on the floor because he still had our belongings and furniture. A nightmare.
But this year life is sunnier…I am a survivor. We have moved in to a new place with a yard, swingset, garage and a garden space. We can see the country from our front door. I am recovering as is my son and life is starting to have possibilities. Hope. Joy. Promise.
Now that’s something worth celebrating.