I’m still trying to process it. The attack. So quick that I never knew what hit me. Down the front steps, across the front lawn and in my face before I could say milk shake.
Let’s back up a minute. Baby girl is on week 1 of 4 week summer visitation with her dad. It has been HARD already. Last night was my evening with her and I texted the older kid’s dad to see if they could come over. To see baby girl, have milk shakes and get my oldest ready to go to camp. Mistake #1 given how contentious, toxic and angry he has been in the past 15 months. No reply from him. So industrious me loads up baby girl, picks up shakes and goes to the kids’ house to see them. Mistake #2. I shut off my vehicle, step out with an arm full of milk shakes and fury (aka ex #1) explodes out the front door of his residence. I say his residence because his gf owns the house and he just mooches off her by living there. Although I was informed last nite that he pays half the mortgage. To which I responded, “well that’s really stupid”. Mistake #3.
He exploded. Went nuclear. Screaming at me in front of my middle son and my youngest daughter. Refused to let the other kids come outside. As I stood in the driveway with an arm full of milk shakes and what could have only been a dumbfounded look on my face. Screaming about how I don’t communicate with him (I sent a text, no reply), how I FINALLY started paying for the kids (yeah, let’s not even go there), that I was trespassing, that he was going to try to take the kids from me on weekends and on and on and on. The neighbors now are aware of every grievance he’s had with me over the past year. And I do mean every one. And while I gave better than I got it all boiled down to one thing…a disordered, pathological person dumping all their “stuff” on me. Nothing new there.
I called the cops on my way home, shaking like a leaf and had them file a report. They felt talking to him would likely only make it worse on the kids (I found out this morning that gf had been physically blocking my kids from coming outside to see me) and I guess that makes sense. Except that this keeps escalating and maybe some police intervention, even a good talking to, might knock him down a peg or two. We have joint custody…these kids are NOT hostages…and his gf becoming involved upsets me even more. Don’t even get me started on her and her dysfunctions.
I couldn’t sleep last night. I just keep replaying it over and over. I spoke to my therapist after the cops left and we reviewed everything that happened. He’s been exploding more and more, she reminded me. Yes, he got in the face of an umpire at my son’s game last week and the night before this altercation had come off the bench at a remark made by an opposing coach. He’s a very angry person anyway. Yes, he was asked to stop coaching my son’s football game because of it. This guy has ISSUES. Yes, and he takes them all out on me. She reminded me that he does this – dumping all his problems on me and blaming everyone but himself. His life is a mess of his own making and I’m finally getting mine together. She brings me a lot of peace.
This morning I’m still in shock. That it even happened. That he was willing to escalate things to that level in front of so many witness’.
And I fear what he will do if he catches me alone.
I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.
I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.
Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.
I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.
By Lynn S.
I have hit rock bottom today, Lord. The news that my 2 completely f-ed up ex’s are working together is the ultimate nail in the coffin and the full weight of it is pounding down on me. My daycare provider is waffling on helping me fight my abuser and actually said today, “maybe I just wish he’d be a better dad”. Yeah, well, I wished too and look where I ended up! I am exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, disgusted and stunned. By it all. Wondering where and if this nightmare will ever end. I don’t know if I can keep going. I can’t even feel safe in my own home or be myself around my children. How much more can you possibly dish out to me before I just quit? How do I possibly keep being this strong every single day? Every time I start to turn a corner, get my shit together, feel less afraid and have a good day or two…MORE $HIT HAPPENS.
Please help me see that this going to get better. I have trusted you, continued in faith, listened to your voice, felt my baby leap, studied your word and acted according to your will. How much more suffering will I have to endure before my enemies are defeated and my reward delivered?
If it be your will, Lord, please deliver me.
When does the overwhelming fatigue go away? When will I feel his grip on me loosen? When will my mind stop rolling the “facts of the case” around and around like a washing machine gone wild? When will I be “normal” again?
I’m so tired of the dysfunction. I’m tired of his name being on my lips. I’m tired of my first thought each day being of him. I’m tired of being afraid every single time my daughter goes home with him.
How do I move past this? Where do I find normal? When do I stop doubting that I am going to survive? When do I place my trust in the Lord 100%?
I want me back. I want the happy-go-lucky girl who had a life going for her back. I want a partner to share my life with. I want a home that I can call mine. I want a job that I am proud of. I want to be normal again.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. God
I am trying. I am trying so, so, so hard to remain faithful and in prayer during this time of testing. The Bible says, “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
I feel hopeless. There, I said it. I feel like this nightmare will never end, and if by chance it does, it will not be a fairytale ending by any stretch of the imagination. I am despairing and writhing and crying out to God and feeling so alone. No one understands what I am going through except God.
Has he forgotten about me and my children in the middle of nowhere?
“So hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause we are stronger here together
Then we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me
Don’t you ever let me go
Hold on to me, it’s gonna be alright
Hold on to me tonight” Michael Buble
Holding on is all I’ve been doing lately. My abuser has turned his rage on my baby girl and she is now suffering in ways I could never have imagined. It makes me physically ill to see her go through this time of shock, confusion and abuse. Absolutely sick.
I am finally coming to a place of acceptance that he never loved me and that his actions are his problems…not mine. It is an incredibly painful reality to realize he never cared about me but almost unfathomable the lengths he has gone to remind me of that reality. Locking us out of the house, fighting for our daughter, showing off the new girlfriend…all signs screaming disorder. Yet at the same time tearing my heart out of my chest and stomping on it in the street.
So I will continue to hold on and fight for what I know is right. Because fighting for my girl is something I would do to my very last breath.