A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘pain’

Right Back to Hell

Today has been a really sad day.  I feel like I’ve lost 6 months of healing in just one week.  Wednesday was the verbal attack by ex1.  Friday was verbal abuse via email from ex2.  Saturday my washing machine died.  Sunday I realized as I sent baby girl out the door with ex2 that I would only get to see her 5 hours in the next 3 weeks (which leaves him 499 hours in which to abuse her).  Today I found out that the repair bill for the washer will be almost triple what I paid for the damn machine.  *sigh*  *super sigh*  *tears*

I feel like I’ve died and gone right back to hell.  AS IF the last year wasn’t a hell-fire and damnation story of epic proportions…now I get to do it all over again THIS year.  Great…can’t wait…please note sarcasm.

Why am I on this earth?  Why was I born in to a horrifically abusive family who made me the scapegoat?  Why didn’t anyone ever intervene?  Why didn’t any of my extended family ever love me?  Why did God help me to escape only to put me thru 11 months of hell to regain some of what I lost?  Why do I have to struggle every single day to provide for my children what most people take for granted…a safe home, a warm meal and a family who loves them. 

Why do I keep going?  What is the point?  Where is all this leading?

Finances are my biggest stumbling block.  Abuse I can handle.  I’ve been abused my entire life so I know how to deal with that.  But although court-ordered to do so, ex2 refuses to pay child support, daycare or medical expenses at all.  ex1 pays but when he feels like it and he underreports his income to keep his payments as low as possible.  What I’m left with is never having enough money to keep food on the table and my bills paid each month.  And their bills…I’m still having to pay for their bills too.  I’m always “borrowing” from next month’s paycheck to pay this month’s bills and its a scary place to be.  I have no savings.  My vehicle needs a ton of repairs AND new tires.  I never know when I will get child support.  My boss has been steering new clients towards my supervisor instead of to me…I’m even being abused in the workplace.  *sigh*   

I want to quit.  I want to lay down and die in the middle of the road.  I see no point in my life.  Nothing ever changes…15 months out and just the same shit/different day every single week. 

It was a joke to think I deserved better.

He’s Nothing To Write Home About

And I refused to be someone who sacrifices her young to keep a man…

Strongerthanever

This is why I left.  To prevent him from abusing my older children as I was starting to see him do in small ways.  Small ways always lead to bigger ways with abusers.  And I wanted to give my baby girl the best chance at an abuse-free life I possibly could. 

I was let down by the court system.  I see that now and I will no longer blame God.  He is not allowing my daughter to be abused – she is being abused because that’s what abusers do.  The court system should have protected her from the abuser.  We are given free will to do as we please and it pleases him to abuse/neglect her on his weeks with her.

Matthew 18:10

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

 

I am doing everything I can to keep her safe.  I”m doing everything I can to make sure that she is surrounded by witnesses and people who can support and love her during this time.  I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN DO.

Care Giving

 

“Core-damaged children grow into needful adults. They might fear that if they let themselves love somebody as intensely as they want to, that person will shriek, run off into the night and abandon them. Their sense of need feels gigantic, and often painful. It presumes that someone on the receiving end won’t be able to handle it–which triggers shame for being “so needy.” This shame makes one want to shut-down their needs (or control them), which is a defense that has one giving to others, what he/she desperately requires. It also has them choosing emotionally unavailable partners who reactivate painful sensations that reinforce their core abandonment trauma.”  Gettinbetter.com

This is me.  This is exactly me.  Now my job is to figure out how to fix me.

 

Cast Away

I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.

I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.

Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.

I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.

By Lynn S.

All That For Nothing

What a waste.  Of my time.  Of my youth.  Of my love.  Years spent that I will never get back.

I’m still deep in the grief of my loss.  I have a wonderful grasp of the reality of my situation but it doesn’t change the overwhelming sadness I feel for my loss.  I miss the him I thought I knew.  I miss the him who pretended to love me.  I miss the joy I felt when he got home from trucking.  I miss waking up wrapped in his arms.  I miss the home we shared and the yard I tended to for us.  I miss my life.

Dear God, How Much More?

I have hit rock bottom today, Lord.  The news that my 2 completely f-ed up ex’s are working together is the ultimate nail in the coffin and the full weight of it is pounding down on me.  My daycare provider is waffling on helping me fight my abuser and actually said today, “maybe I just wish he’d be a better dad”.  Yeah, well, I wished too and look where I ended up!  I am exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, disgusted and stunned.  By it all.  Wondering where and if this nightmare will ever end.  I don’t know if I can keep going.  I can’t even feel safe in my own home or be myself around my children.  How much more can you possibly dish out to me before I just quit?  How do I possibly keep being this strong every single day?  Every time I start to turn a corner, get my shit together, feel less afraid and have a good day or two…MORE $HIT HAPPENS.

Please help me see that this going to get better.  I have trusted you, continued in faith, listened to your voice, felt my baby leap, studied your word and acted according to your will.  How much more suffering will I have to endure before my enemies are defeated and my reward delivered?

If it be your will, Lord, please deliver me.

Depression

“I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die… What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”

During the fourth stage, the person begins to understand the certainty of the situation.  Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving.  This process allows the person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection.  It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage.  It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.  Also referred to as preparatory grieving.  In a way it’s the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the ‘aftermath’ although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves.  It’s a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment.  It’s natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc.  It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.  This is when it sinks in there’s no going back to this man and that the man you loved never existed.  You mourn the loss of time and the abuse you tolerated.  You direct the anger at yourself and feel stupid for being with him and fear getting into another relationship, lest you become involved with another man just like him.  Like the Anger stage, you don’t want to get stuck here either. Feeling sadness over this relationship is natural, but don’t let your experience with this man distort how you view all relationships.  Not all men are like him and, if you can feel the painful and difficult feelings that ending this relationship brings up, you’ll get through it.

If I can just feel the painful and heartwrenching feelings that the end of this “relationship” have forced out of my gaping chest wound, then I will get through it.  Words to cling to and hang my hat on.

I’m getting there.  There.  That place of acceptance that tells me that I have found the reality of the situation and looked it squarely in the eye without flinching.  No longer lying in bed sobbing for the loss of my “normal”.  No longer in fear for my kids and I’s safety – emotional or physical.

It’s been a slow, tumultuous trip so far and one that is far from done.  New temporary hearing.  Mediation.  Trial.  That’s a lot more grief to go through to reach the path of acceptance and freedom.

I better pack a bigger bag.