Today has been a really sad day. I feel like I’ve lost 6 months of healing in just one week. Wednesday was the verbal attack by ex1. Friday was verbal abuse via email from ex2. Saturday my washing machine died. Sunday I realized as I sent baby girl out the door with ex2 that I would only get to see her 5 hours in the next 3 weeks (which leaves him 499 hours in which to abuse her). Today I found out that the repair bill for the washer will be almost triple what I paid for the damn machine. *sigh* *super sigh* *tears*
I feel like I’ve died and gone right back to hell. AS IF the last year wasn’t a hell-fire and damnation story of epic proportions…now I get to do it all over again THIS year. Great…can’t wait…please note sarcasm.
Why am I on this earth? Why was I born in to a horrifically abusive family who made me the scapegoat? Why didn’t anyone ever intervene? Why didn’t any of my extended family ever love me? Why did God help me to escape only to put me thru 11 months of hell to regain some of what I lost? Why do I have to struggle every single day to provide for my children what most people take for granted…a safe home, a warm meal and a family who loves them.
Why do I keep going? What is the point? Where is all this leading?
Finances are my biggest stumbling block. Abuse I can handle. I’ve been abused my entire life so I know how to deal with that. But although court-ordered to do so, ex2 refuses to pay child support, daycare or medical expenses at all. ex1 pays but when he feels like it and he underreports his income to keep his payments as low as possible. What I’m left with is never having enough money to keep food on the table and my bills paid each month. And their bills…I’m still having to pay for their bills too. I’m always “borrowing” from next month’s paycheck to pay this month’s bills and its a scary place to be. I have no savings. My vehicle needs a ton of repairs AND new tires. I never know when I will get child support. My boss has been steering new clients towards my supervisor instead of to me…I’m even being abused in the workplace. *sigh*
I want to quit. I want to lay down and die in the middle of the road. I see no point in my life. Nothing ever changes…15 months out and just the same shit/different day every single week.
It was a joke to think I deserved better.