A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘life’

Every Day I’m Shuffling

“Life is Difficult” ~ M. Scott Peck

Peck knows what he is talking about.  Life is so freaking difficult sometimes that I just meltdown in sobs.  I’m not a sobber…or I wasn’t until I left asshat ex2.  (Oh I’m sorry, the incredibly pathological personality disordered man, er boy, who was my second husband.  He’s still an asshat though.)  I can’t seem to get my life rolling in any solid direction.  Just when I feel like I have a handle on shit then it all goes to shit…in a handbasket.  I feel like hell.

Did I tell you that I got accosted (is that a word?) at the grocery store last week?  Yeah, in the midst of my week from hell I cut some woman off from her lettuce.  Seriously…she said, “you cut me off from my lettuce”.  I just stared at her…then she said, “I would never have cut you off from your cucumbers”.  That’s where I was standing when this conversation went down.  I felt like I was on punk’d and kept waiting for Ashton to jump out.  Didn’t happen.  Again.  I finally said, “excuse me?”…she repeated it all again (blah, blah, lettuce…blah, blah, cucumbers) and I walked away shaking my head.  She looked mentally ill but even so I will mark that down on my list of shit not to ever do again…cut someone off from their lettuce.

I’ve listed some more of my stuff to sell.  Not willingly.  The aforementioned asshat still isn’t paying child support and I’ve got some big bills looming in the next 2 weeks so I’m gonna thin the herd.  We may end up sitting on lawn chairs to eat.  I had to do this a month ago because I couldn’t pay my rent.  This month its my vehicle payment, new tires, glasses for myself and license plate renewal which is 2 months overdue.  I just kept thinking that money would show up from somewhere (hello?  IRS?) but magical thinking has never worked for me.  It would be nice to get some mail that didn’t include multi-figure amounts and due-by dates.

I want my life to change.  I want a new job – one without verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and enough disordered people to fill a mental ward.  I want a peaceful life – one that doesn’t include psycho ex’s screaming at me on the front lawn.  I want money to be able to pay my bills and take my kids to the movies once in a while.  Not the expensive theatre…the $2.50/kid theatre.  I want to be able to eat out once in a while when I’m too tired to cook and not have to worry about which bill I won’t be able to pay.  I want my ex’s to start paying the bills that they were court-ordered to pay and stop mooching off me. 

I’ve read that I need to be the change I want to see. 

Please tell me how to do that.

 

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Wherever you go…there you are!

“If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found.” – Anonymous

I’ve certainly been lost.  Lost in my own mind, in a world of my own making and in a maze to rival that of Alice in Wonderland.  But slowly, ever so slowly, I am finding my way towards the light.  There but for the grace of God go I.

Today would have been my 3rd wedding anniversary.  He refused to “celebrate” the first one…I didn’t really think there was much to celebrate as the abuse was becoming more overt at that point.  The screaming rages over nothing.  The snide comments on my clothes, housekeeping, weight gain, cooking, child rearing…you name it, he criticized it.  His accusations of my infidelity which I later found out were projections to hide his own cheating. 

What I didn’t realize at the time is that he was already starting a smear campaign against me with “our” friends.  Telling them things I said or did that I wasn’t and wouldn’t have done.  I couldn’t understand why they suddenly weren’t inviting us over or looking me in the eye anymore.  Makes perfect sense now.  Now that I know what he is. 

Sociopath.  The word makes you think of Hannibel Lecter.  Or Jeffrey Dahmer.  Not some skinny little mechanic from nowhere, Nebraska.  Yet the lives left in ruin tell their own tale – 3 wives, 11 kids and countless girlfriends/one night stands left in his wake.  Damaged.  Abused.  Disregarded.  Discarded.

By the 2nd anniversary the kids and I were living in our apartment and staring shell-shocked at each other trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.  My 2nd son and I experiencing the beginnings of PTSD.  My baby girl being forced not to see me for a week at a time due to court order.  Sleeping on the floor because he still had our belongings and furniture.  A nightmare.

But this year life is sunnier…I am a survivor.  We have moved in to a new place with a yard, swingset, garage and a garden space.  We can see the country from our front door.  I am recovering as is my son and life is starting to have possibilities.  Hope.  Joy.  Promise.

Now that’s something worth celebrating.

6 Months Ago

I took a calculated risk 6 months ago and left his lying, manipulative, disordered, cheating, cruel, ruthless, abusive ass.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and it nearly killed me.  I knew my 18 month old daughter would face being alone with him during court-ordered visitation although back then I had no idea how much time alone with her he would really get.  I made my decision based on what I knew to be true at the time and with the guidance of people I thought I could trust.  I did my best to separate us from a man so toxic and damaging that I felt I had no choice but to go in to hiding.  I did all of this to protect my 4 children and myself from a lifetime of pain with this man.   To date, this has been a soul-scorching journey filled with the deepest sorrow imaginable. 

I am reaffirming today that my decision was the right one and that I am glad I left him.

Bad Mom

I can’t remember now how the topic came up but the kids and I got to talking about my being “child free” last night – as in, never having had them at all.  I went on about trips I could take, cleaning I would no longer have to do and all the eating out I could indulge in.  What didn’t occur to me then, and wish now it would have, is that I think they took my comments very much to heart.  If I had a “do over” I would have followed that up with, “but I would never trade you guys for a spotless house, trips or crappy restaurant food”. But I didn’t.

Some days I just feel like a really bad Mom.

God Gave Me You

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
Gave me you

Blake Shelton

My Bill of Rights

I have the right to be me

I have the right to put myself first

I have the right to be safe

I have the right to love and be loved

I have the right to be treated with respect

I have the right to be human – not perfect

I have the right to be angry and protest if I’m treated unfairly and abusively by anyone

I have the right to my own privacy

I have the right to my own opinions, to express them, and be taken seriously

I have the right to earn and control my own money

I have the right to ask questions about anything that affects my life

I have the right to make decisions that affect me

I have the right to grow and change, this includes changing my mind

I have the right to say no

I have the right to make mistakes

I have the right to not be responsible for another adult’s problems

I have the right to not be liked by everyone

I have the right to control my own life and to change it if I’m not happy with it as it is

All That For Nothing

What a waste.  Of my time.  Of my youth.  Of my love.  Years spent that I will never get back.

I’m still deep in the grief of my loss.  I have a wonderful grasp of the reality of my situation but it doesn’t change the overwhelming sadness I feel for my loss.  I miss the him I thought I knew.  I miss the him who pretended to love me.  I miss the joy I felt when he got home from trucking.  I miss waking up wrapped in his arms.  I miss the home we shared and the yard I tended to for us.  I miss my life.