I can’t remember now how the topic came up but the kids and I got to talking about my being “child free” last night – as in, never having had them at all. I went on about trips I could take, cleaning I would no longer have to do and all the eating out I could indulge in. What didn’t occur to me then, and wish now it would have, is that I think they took my comments very much to heart. If I had a “do over” I would have followed that up with, “but I would never trade you guys for a spotless house, trips or crappy restaurant food”. But I didn’t.
Some days I just feel like a really bad Mom.
Dear hubby was in one of his “super husband” moods this weekend. He disciplined, cleaned, contributed and acted like a normal person. Acted being the key word here. All of us in the house are aware of how quickly he can “shut off” the nice guy routine and go back to being a total asshole in the blink of an eye. But we enjoy it while we have it and I continue to search for a way to safely extract myself from the mess that is my life.
However, an incident on Sunday added a whole new urgency to the matter, which I will share here.
I have a shoulder joint that is a mess and my neck goes out all the time due to whiplash in ’99. I have been to the chiropractor but it just keeps coming back. Sunday was no exception and my neck absolutely burned like it was on fire. Taking advantage of dear hubby’s good mood, I asked for a neck rub, and was rewarded – truly a rare moment. My baby girl had climbed on to my lap and was sitting watching tv when she happened to glance up at my shoulder to see dear hubby’s hand. The look on her face was of panic and she fussed and tried to shove dear hubby’s hand away. I soothed her as I moved away from him and she and I went in to another room, pretending to be busy.
My heart sank in to my stomach as I realized that even at 17 months she knows how much he scares me. She was trying to protect me.