A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘kiddos’

6 Months Ago

I took a calculated risk 6 months ago and left his lying, manipulative, disordered, cheating, cruel, ruthless, abusive ass.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and it nearly killed me.  I knew my 18 month old daughter would face being alone with him during court-ordered visitation although back then I had no idea how much time alone with her he would really get.  I made my decision based on what I knew to be true at the time and with the guidance of people I thought I could trust.  I did my best to separate us from a man so toxic and damaging that I felt I had no choice but to go in to hiding.  I did all of this to protect my 4 children and myself from a lifetime of pain with this man.   To date, this has been a soul-scorching journey filled with the deepest sorrow imaginable. 

I am reaffirming today that my decision was the right one and that I am glad I left him.

Advertisements

He’s Nothing To Write Home About

And I refused to be someone who sacrifices her young to keep a man…

Strongerthanever

This is why I left.  To prevent him from abusing my older children as I was starting to see him do in small ways.  Small ways always lead to bigger ways with abusers.  And I wanted to give my baby girl the best chance at an abuse-free life I possibly could. 

I was let down by the court system.  I see that now and I will no longer blame God.  He is not allowing my daughter to be abused – she is being abused because that’s what abusers do.  The court system should have protected her from the abuser.  We are given free will to do as we please and it pleases him to abuse/neglect her on his weeks with her.

Matthew 18:10

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

 

I am doing everything I can to keep her safe.  I”m doing everything I can to make sure that she is surrounded by witnesses and people who can support and love her during this time.  I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN DO.

Bad Mom

I can’t remember now how the topic came up but the kids and I got to talking about my being “child free” last night – as in, never having had them at all.  I went on about trips I could take, cleaning I would no longer have to do and all the eating out I could indulge in.  What didn’t occur to me then, and wish now it would have, is that I think they took my comments very much to heart.  If I had a “do over” I would have followed that up with, “but I would never trade you guys for a spotless house, trips or crappy restaurant food”. But I didn’t.

Some days I just feel like a really bad Mom.

What Makes ME Happy?

I have read, read, read, read and read some more to try to understand what has happened to me.  My final verdict?  Emotional terrorism.  Now, I’m 56 days out and realizing that things that aren’t real don’t last.

So I’m on a journey to focus on me and figure out what makes ME happy.  Me, the girl woman who truly existed before he came in to my life and took it over like the terrorist he is.  So, here is a preliminary list of what makes me most happy:

My kids, of course

Spending time with others

Singing karaoke

Painting – ceramics, pictures, walls, houses

Designing/decorating my living spaces

Reading

Taking long walks

Talking on the phone

Garage sales and/or auctions

Joel Osteen

The library

Chickflicks or Sci-fi movies

Making love

Listening to my music

Volleyball

Being an EMT

Gardening and yard work

Playing at the park

Baking

Going to the bar

Praying

Chocolate

Country-western dancing

Daydreaming

Sleeping in

Weddings – even after 2 failed ones

Happy e-mails

Laying in front of the fireplace

First kisses

Cheesecake

Getting my nails done

Snow falling

Android phones

Candles

Clean sheets on my bed

Mustard

He Scares Our Daughter

Dear hubby was in one of his “super husband” moods this weekend.  He disciplined, cleaned, contributed and acted like a normal person.  Acted being the key word here.  All of us in the house are aware of how quickly he can “shut off” the nice guy routine and go back to being a total asshole in the blink of an eye.  But we enjoy it while we have it and I continue to search for a way to safely extract myself from the mess that is my life.

However, an incident on Sunday added a whole new urgency to the matter, which I will share here. 

I have a shoulder joint that is a mess and my neck goes out all the time due to whiplash in ’99.  I have been to the chiropractor but it just keeps coming back.  Sunday was no exception and my neck absolutely burned like it was on fire.  Taking advantage of dear hubby’s good mood, I asked for a neck rub, and was rewarded – truly a rare moment.  My baby girl had climbed on to my lap and was sitting watching tv when she happened to glance up at my shoulder to see dear hubby’s hand.  The look on her face was of panic and she fussed and tried to shove dear hubby’s hand away.  I soothed her as I moved away from him and she and I went in to another room, pretending to be busy.

My heart sank in to my stomach as I realized that even at 17 months she knows how much he scares me.  She was trying to protect me.