A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘Issues’

Every Day I’m Shuffling

“Life is Difficult” ~ M. Scott Peck

Peck knows what he is talking about.  Life is so freaking difficult sometimes that I just meltdown in sobs.  I’m not a sobber…or I wasn’t until I left asshat ex2.  (Oh I’m sorry, the incredibly pathological personality disordered man, er boy, who was my second husband.  He’s still an asshat though.)  I can’t seem to get my life rolling in any solid direction.  Just when I feel like I have a handle on shit then it all goes to shit…in a handbasket.  I feel like hell.

Did I tell you that I got accosted (is that a word?) at the grocery store last week?  Yeah, in the midst of my week from hell I cut some woman off from her lettuce.  Seriously…she said, “you cut me off from my lettuce”.  I just stared at her…then she said, “I would never have cut you off from your cucumbers”.  That’s where I was standing when this conversation went down.  I felt like I was on punk’d and kept waiting for Ashton to jump out.  Didn’t happen.  Again.  I finally said, “excuse me?”…she repeated it all again (blah, blah, lettuce…blah, blah, cucumbers) and I walked away shaking my head.  She looked mentally ill but even so I will mark that down on my list of shit not to ever do again…cut someone off from their lettuce.

I’ve listed some more of my stuff to sell.  Not willingly.  The aforementioned asshat still isn’t paying child support and I’ve got some big bills looming in the next 2 weeks so I’m gonna thin the herd.  We may end up sitting on lawn chairs to eat.  I had to do this a month ago because I couldn’t pay my rent.  This month its my vehicle payment, new tires, glasses for myself and license plate renewal which is 2 months overdue.  I just kept thinking that money would show up from somewhere (hello?  IRS?) but magical thinking has never worked for me.  It would be nice to get some mail that didn’t include multi-figure amounts and due-by dates.

I want my life to change.  I want a new job – one without verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and enough disordered people to fill a mental ward.  I want a peaceful life – one that doesn’t include psycho ex’s screaming at me on the front lawn.  I want money to be able to pay my bills and take my kids to the movies once in a while.  Not the expensive theatre…the $2.50/kid theatre.  I want to be able to eat out once in a while when I’m too tired to cook and not have to worry about which bill I won’t be able to pay.  I want my ex’s to start paying the bills that they were court-ordered to pay and stop mooching off me. 

I’ve read that I need to be the change I want to see. 

Please tell me how to do that.

 

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He’s Not a Man At All

“He’s horrible.  He makes me miserable and its so boring and unfulfilling being with him.  He’s not a good man.  He wasn’t before me and he won’t be after me.  I don’t take it personally that he hates me. He hates everyone.”  Indenial

I’m trying to realize that this is a lesson and not the end of me.  This experience is something I had to go through to wake up.  Wake up from a lifetime of abuse, putting myself last, selling myself out and putting up with things no person should ever have to endure.  I’m trying to find the empathy for myself and see that I deserve the good things life has to offer. 

I won’t kid you…it isn’t easy, fun, simple or without an incredibly high price.  But am I worth it?  Am I worth the effort it takes to regain my life, my sanity, my joy, my hope and my dreams?

I’m still deciding.

What I Know

Divorcing my first husband was the third-best decision I’ve ever made.

Divorcing my second husband is the second-best decision I have ever made.

Deciding to have my children was the best decision I have ever made.

I got stabbed in the back today.  What I came to realize, after nearly wrecking my truck and finally calming down, is that I needed it as a wake-up call.  A wake up call not to share information with anyone.  A wake up call to just how disordered both my ex and my abuser are.  A wake up call that those two are never going to change and that they truly have no feeling for me but hate.

What else do I know?  I know that I am strong and capable and willing to work on me so that I don’t ever end up in this position again.  I know that God is watching out for me every step of the way even when I don’t realize it.  I know that these two are so weak alone that they feel they must team up to attack me.  I know that my children are wonderful and that they make each day worth fighting for.

You know, it’s almost laughable to think of my two ex’s hunched over their phones, trying to come up with ways to get back at me.  Almost.

At Least I’m Free

“You might be eating dirt & weeds, but at least you’re free.” Navy Seals

 Life is a rollercoaster right now.  I have good days, I have great days and I have days so low that I beg God to make the pain stop.  I go to work, take care of my kids, attend their activities and I worry.  I worry about all the things in my kids’ lives that I have no control over.  All the obstacles I have given them by marrying their disordered fathers.  It’s enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and die.

So, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and push on.  Cause while I am eating dirt and weeds right now I can truly say that at least I’m free.

We Get Some Stuff

I got a call from the attorney’s office today that we get to pick up our clothing on Sunday at noon.  I’m assuming this means that dear hubby (gag, gag) will be moved out by then.  This has nothing to do with furniture or beds or kitchen items.  How do I put together an apartment on my budget with no stuff?

I’m trying so hard not to panic.  The anxiety is so overwhelming that I feel as if I’m drowning.  Where is the meaning in all of this?  Is there any meaning in any of this?

I try hard to find a lesson in it all…to see what God is trying to teach me.  At this stage that only thing I am coming up with is, “don’t share your heart and trust no one”. 

What a sad lesson and a hard way to learn it.

Limbo

So much has happened and yet I feel as if time is standing still.  Let me give you a timeline:

3/31 – hubby drove us across 4 lanes of traffic without looking during one of his rages.  I stay the night with my daycare provider.  He doesn’t call.

4/1 – moved in to the shelter with my four kids, taking only clothing, shoes & toiletries.  He finally calls and leaves a voicemail that he’s changed the locks so I can only get in through him.

4/4 – he sends an email to my work asking me to “settle this”.

4/9 – I reply to his email that I will respond if he remains civil.

4/11 – find out that dear hubby filed for divorce on 4/7.

4/14 – filed my paperwork for temporary custody and support.

4/15 – receive a text message from him that he is cancelling my cell service as of 4/19.

4/16 – finally receive a response to my email.  He wants to see the baby (only took 17 days!) and he hopes we can have a good relationship moving forward.

4/17 – receive another email; this one only asks when he can see the baby.  I block his email addresses.

4/20 – receive a confirmation email from Verizon.  My cell phone service shuts off within a half hour.

4/21 – call the cell phone provider and resume my service since dear hubby only suspended it and didn’t change the billing password.

4/22 – receive paperwork from my attorney that dear hubby has alleged things against me (as if he’s a victim).

So now I’m left wondering what crock of lies dear hubby has cooked up.  I’m sure its going to be a doozy