A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘hope’

Headed Back to Court

Tomorrow marks the umpteenth time we are going to court.  This time is in regard to my property that he still has – 5th time is the charm.  Right?  We are asking for credit rather than stuff this time.  I’ve decided to let it all go.  None of it is of consequence and will only serve as a reminder of my life with him.  The lie I had with him.  I hate going to court.  This judge likes to yell and really get after people.  I didn’t do anything wrong and I know that but my old “programming” sneaks up on me…making me feel responsible for things I have no control over.  Say some prayers, would ya!

The other night I was laying in bed listening to music and letting my mind wander.  Suddenly I had a thought hit me…my “dream” of being with him/my life with him was, for all intents and purposes, selling my soul to the devil.  I don’t need ANY dream that badly.  And with that, my dream has been shattered.  Left lying on the floor.  A bygone.  And I’m left feeling relieved – like the weight of the world is off me.  I don’t need a dream that forces me to totally neglect myself, allow my life to fall by the wayside and care only for the needs of one overgrown man.  I know better now so I can DO better now.

My life at work still sucks big time.  But the result of not letting others dump their emotional shit on me all day has me feeling so much clearer mentally.  Its really amazing.  My energy levels are still not great because of all the effort it takes to maintain boundaries with the nuts.  But I’m doing it and praying hard that guidance will be given to me for a new job.  I’m open and willing and ready.

Welcome to my recovery!

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Wherever you go…there you are!

“If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found.” – Anonymous

I’ve certainly been lost.  Lost in my own mind, in a world of my own making and in a maze to rival that of Alice in Wonderland.  But slowly, ever so slowly, I am finding my way towards the light.  There but for the grace of God go I.

Today would have been my 3rd wedding anniversary.  He refused to “celebrate” the first one…I didn’t really think there was much to celebrate as the abuse was becoming more overt at that point.  The screaming rages over nothing.  The snide comments on my clothes, housekeeping, weight gain, cooking, child rearing…you name it, he criticized it.  His accusations of my infidelity which I later found out were projections to hide his own cheating. 

What I didn’t realize at the time is that he was already starting a smear campaign against me with “our” friends.  Telling them things I said or did that I wasn’t and wouldn’t have done.  I couldn’t understand why they suddenly weren’t inviting us over or looking me in the eye anymore.  Makes perfect sense now.  Now that I know what he is. 

Sociopath.  The word makes you think of Hannibel Lecter.  Or Jeffrey Dahmer.  Not some skinny little mechanic from nowhere, Nebraska.  Yet the lives left in ruin tell their own tale – 3 wives, 11 kids and countless girlfriends/one night stands left in his wake.  Damaged.  Abused.  Disregarded.  Discarded.

By the 2nd anniversary the kids and I were living in our apartment and staring shell-shocked at each other trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.  My 2nd son and I experiencing the beginnings of PTSD.  My baby girl being forced not to see me for a week at a time due to court order.  Sleeping on the floor because he still had our belongings and furniture.  A nightmare.

But this year life is sunnier…I am a survivor.  We have moved in to a new place with a yard, swingset, garage and a garden space.  We can see the country from our front door.  I am recovering as is my son and life is starting to have possibilities.  Hope.  Joy.  Promise.

Now that’s something worth celebrating.

He’s Not a Man At All

“He’s horrible.  He makes me miserable and its so boring and unfulfilling being with him.  He’s not a good man.  He wasn’t before me and he won’t be after me.  I don’t take it personally that he hates me. He hates everyone.”  Indenial

I’m trying to realize that this is a lesson and not the end of me.  This experience is something I had to go through to wake up.  Wake up from a lifetime of abuse, putting myself last, selling myself out and putting up with things no person should ever have to endure.  I’m trying to find the empathy for myself and see that I deserve the good things life has to offer. 

I won’t kid you…it isn’t easy, fun, simple or without an incredibly high price.  But am I worth it?  Am I worth the effort it takes to regain my life, my sanity, my joy, my hope and my dreams?

I’m still deciding.

6 Months Ago

I took a calculated risk 6 months ago and left his lying, manipulative, disordered, cheating, cruel, ruthless, abusive ass.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and it nearly killed me.  I knew my 18 month old daughter would face being alone with him during court-ordered visitation although back then I had no idea how much time alone with her he would really get.  I made my decision based on what I knew to be true at the time and with the guidance of people I thought I could trust.  I did my best to separate us from a man so toxic and damaging that I felt I had no choice but to go in to hiding.  I did all of this to protect my 4 children and myself from a lifetime of pain with this man.   To date, this has been a soul-scorching journey filled with the deepest sorrow imaginable. 

I am reaffirming today that my decision was the right one and that I am glad I left him.

He’s Nothing To Write Home About

And I refused to be someone who sacrifices her young to keep a man…

Strongerthanever

This is why I left.  To prevent him from abusing my older children as I was starting to see him do in small ways.  Small ways always lead to bigger ways with abusers.  And I wanted to give my baby girl the best chance at an abuse-free life I possibly could. 

I was let down by the court system.  I see that now and I will no longer blame God.  He is not allowing my daughter to be abused – she is being abused because that’s what abusers do.  The court system should have protected her from the abuser.  We are given free will to do as we please and it pleases him to abuse/neglect her on his weeks with her.

Matthew 18:10

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

 

I am doing everything I can to keep her safe.  I”m doing everything I can to make sure that she is surrounded by witnesses and people who can support and love her during this time.  I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN DO.

Care Giving

 

“Core-damaged children grow into needful adults. They might fear that if they let themselves love somebody as intensely as they want to, that person will shriek, run off into the night and abandon them. Their sense of need feels gigantic, and often painful. It presumes that someone on the receiving end won’t be able to handle it–which triggers shame for being “so needy.” This shame makes one want to shut-down their needs (or control them), which is a defense that has one giving to others, what he/she desperately requires. It also has them choosing emotionally unavailable partners who reactivate painful sensations that reinforce their core abandonment trauma.”  Gettinbetter.com

This is me.  This is exactly me.  Now my job is to figure out how to fix me.

 

God Gave Me You

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
Gave me you

Blake Shelton