Tomorrow marks the umpteenth time we are going to court. This time is in regard to my property that he still has – 5th time is the charm. Right? We are asking for credit rather than stuff this time. I’ve decided to let it all go. None of it is of consequence and will only serve as a reminder of my life with him. The lie I had with him. I hate going to court. This judge likes to yell and really get after people. I didn’t do anything wrong and I know that but my old “programming” sneaks up on me…making me feel responsible for things I have no control over. Say some prayers, would ya!
The other night I was laying in bed listening to music and letting my mind wander. Suddenly I had a thought hit me…my “dream” of being with him/my life with him was, for all intents and purposes, selling my soul to the devil. I don’t need ANY dream that badly. And with that, my dream has been shattered. Left lying on the floor. A bygone. And I’m left feeling relieved – like the weight of the world is off me. I don’t need a dream that forces me to totally neglect myself, allow my life to fall by the wayside and care only for the needs of one overgrown man. I know better now so I can DO better now.
My life at work still sucks big time. But the result of not letting others dump their emotional shit on me all day has me feeling so much clearer mentally. Its really amazing. My energy levels are still not great because of all the effort it takes to maintain boundaries with the nuts. But I’m doing it and praying hard that guidance will be given to me for a new job. I’m open and willing and ready.
Welcome to my recovery!
“If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found.” – Anonymous
I’ve certainly been lost. Lost in my own mind, in a world of my own making and in a maze to rival that of Alice in Wonderland. But slowly, ever so slowly, I am finding my way towards the light. There but for the grace of God go I.
Today would have been my 3rd wedding anniversary. He refused to “celebrate” the first one…I didn’t really think there was much to celebrate as the abuse was becoming more overt at that point. The screaming rages over nothing. The snide comments on my clothes, housekeeping, weight gain, cooking, child rearing…you name it, he criticized it. His accusations of my infidelity which I later found out were projections to hide his own cheating.
What I didn’t realize at the time is that he was already starting a smear campaign against me with “our” friends. Telling them things I said or did that I wasn’t and wouldn’t have done. I couldn’t understand why they suddenly weren’t inviting us over or looking me in the eye anymore. Makes perfect sense now. Now that I know what he is.
Sociopath. The word makes you think of Hannibel Lecter. Or Jeffrey Dahmer. Not some skinny little mechanic from nowhere, Nebraska. Yet the lives left in ruin tell their own tale – 3 wives, 11 kids and countless girlfriends/one night stands left in his wake. Damaged. Abused. Disregarded. Discarded.
By the 2nd anniversary the kids and I were living in our apartment and staring shell-shocked at each other trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. My 2nd son and I experiencing the beginnings of PTSD. My baby girl being forced not to see me for a week at a time due to court order. Sleeping on the floor because he still had our belongings and furniture. A nightmare.
But this year life is sunnier…I am a survivor. We have moved in to a new place with a yard, swingset, garage and a garden space. We can see the country from our front door. I am recovering as is my son and life is starting to have possibilities. Hope. Joy. Promise.
Now that’s something worth celebrating.