A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘hell’

Right Back to Hell

Today has been a really sad day.  I feel like I’ve lost 6 months of healing in just one week.  Wednesday was the verbal attack by ex1.  Friday was verbal abuse via email from ex2.  Saturday my washing machine died.  Sunday I realized as I sent baby girl out the door with ex2 that I would only get to see her 5 hours in the next 3 weeks (which leaves him 499 hours in which to abuse her).  Today I found out that the repair bill for the washer will be almost triple what I paid for the damn machine.  *sigh*  *super sigh*  *tears*

I feel like I’ve died and gone right back to hell.  AS IF the last year wasn’t a hell-fire and damnation story of epic proportions…now I get to do it all over again THIS year.  Great…can’t wait…please note sarcasm.

Why am I on this earth?  Why was I born in to a horrifically abusive family who made me the scapegoat?  Why didn’t anyone ever intervene?  Why didn’t any of my extended family ever love me?  Why did God help me to escape only to put me thru 11 months of hell to regain some of what I lost?  Why do I have to struggle every single day to provide for my children what most people take for granted…a safe home, a warm meal and a family who loves them. 

Why do I keep going?  What is the point?  Where is all this leading?

Finances are my biggest stumbling block.  Abuse I can handle.  I’ve been abused my entire life so I know how to deal with that.  But although court-ordered to do so, ex2 refuses to pay child support, daycare or medical expenses at all.  ex1 pays but when he feels like it and he underreports his income to keep his payments as low as possible.  What I’m left with is never having enough money to keep food on the table and my bills paid each month.  And their bills…I’m still having to pay for their bills too.  I’m always “borrowing” from next month’s paycheck to pay this month’s bills and its a scary place to be.  I have no savings.  My vehicle needs a ton of repairs AND new tires.  I never know when I will get child support.  My boss has been steering new clients towards my supervisor instead of to me…I’m even being abused in the workplace.  *sigh*   

I want to quit.  I want to lay down and die in the middle of the road.  I see no point in my life.  Nothing ever changes…15 months out and just the same shit/different day every single week. 

It was a joke to think I deserved better.

Altercation

I’m still trying to process it.  The attack.  So quick that I never knew what hit me.  Down the front steps, across the front lawn and in my face before I could say milk shake.

Let’s back up a minute.  Baby girl is on week 1 of 4 week summer visitation with her dad.  It has been HARD already.  Last night was my evening with her and I texted the older kid’s dad to see if they could come over.  To see baby girl, have milk shakes and get my oldest ready to go to camp.  Mistake #1 given how contentious, toxic and angry he has been in the past 15 months.  No reply from him.  So industrious me loads up baby girl, picks up shakes and goes to the kids’ house to see them.  Mistake #2.  I shut off my vehicle, step out with an arm full of milk shakes and fury (aka ex #1) explodes out the front door of his residence.  I say his residence because his gf owns the house and he just mooches off her by living there.  Although I was informed last nite that he pays half the mortgage.  To which I responded, “well that’s really stupid”.  Mistake #3.

He exploded.  Went nuclear.  Screaming at me in front of my middle son and my youngest daughter.  Refused to let the other kids come outside.  As I stood in the driveway with an arm full of milk shakes and what could have only been a dumbfounded look on my face.  Screaming about how I don’t communicate with him (I sent a text, no reply), how I FINALLY started paying for the kids (yeah, let’s not even go there), that I was trespassing, that he was going to try to take the kids from me on weekends and on and on and on.  The neighbors now are aware of every grievance he’s had with me over the past year.  And I do mean every one.  And while I gave better than I got it all boiled down to one thing…a disordered, pathological person dumping all their “stuff” on me.  Nothing new there. 

I called the cops on my way home, shaking like a leaf and had them file a report.  They felt talking to him would likely only make it worse on the kids (I found out this morning that gf had been physically blocking my kids from coming outside to see me) and I guess that makes sense.  Except that this keeps escalating and maybe some police intervention, even a good talking to, might knock him down a peg or two.  We have joint custody…these kids are NOT hostages…and his gf becoming involved upsets me even more.  Don’t even get me started on her and her dysfunctions. 

I couldn’t sleep last night.  I just keep replaying it over and over.  I spoke to my therapist after the cops left and we reviewed everything that happened.  He’s been exploding more and more, she reminded me.  Yes, he got in the face of an umpire at my son’s game last week and the night before this altercation had come off the bench at a remark made by an opposing coach.  He’s a very angry person anyway.  Yes, he was asked to stop coaching my son’s football game because of it.  This guy has ISSUES.  Yes, and he takes them all out on me.  She reminded me that he does this – dumping all his problems on me and blaming everyone but himself.  His life is a mess of his own making and I’m finally getting mine together.  She brings me a lot of peace.

This morning I’m still in shock.  That it even happened.  That he was willing to escalate things to that level in front of so many witness’. 

And I fear what he will do if he catches me alone.

Cast Away

I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.

I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.

Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.

I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.

By Lynn S.

All That For Nothing

What a waste.  Of my time.  Of my youth.  Of my love.  Years spent that I will never get back.

I’m still deep in the grief of my loss.  I have a wonderful grasp of the reality of my situation but it doesn’t change the overwhelming sadness I feel for my loss.  I miss the him I thought I knew.  I miss the him who pretended to love me.  I miss the joy I felt when he got home from trucking.  I miss waking up wrapped in his arms.  I miss the home we shared and the yard I tended to for us.  I miss my life.

Dear God, How Much More?

I have hit rock bottom today, Lord.  The news that my 2 completely f-ed up ex’s are working together is the ultimate nail in the coffin and the full weight of it is pounding down on me.  My daycare provider is waffling on helping me fight my abuser and actually said today, “maybe I just wish he’d be a better dad”.  Yeah, well, I wished too and look where I ended up!  I am exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, disgusted and stunned.  By it all.  Wondering where and if this nightmare will ever end.  I don’t know if I can keep going.  I can’t even feel safe in my own home or be myself around my children.  How much more can you possibly dish out to me before I just quit?  How do I possibly keep being this strong every single day?  Every time I start to turn a corner, get my shit together, feel less afraid and have a good day or two…MORE $HIT HAPPENS.

Please help me see that this going to get better.  I have trusted you, continued in faith, listened to your voice, felt my baby leap, studied your word and acted according to your will.  How much more suffering will I have to endure before my enemies are defeated and my reward delivered?

If it be your will, Lord, please deliver me.

This Isn’t My Hill

Life should have choices beyond mere survival. 

It feels like, on some days, surviving is the best I can do.  But I really feel the need to accept responsibility for my part in what happened.  No, I’m not blaming the victim here (although I have recently) but I’m trying to move forward in my recovery process.  What I’ve finally allowed myself to see is that hindsight is 20/20 – I should have walked away 3 months into the relationship.  Before I ever moved in with him.  Before my life became so enmeshed with his that I felt I had no choices.  Before I chose to continue seeing him and chose to try to make things work.  Before I chose to move in with him and his pack of juvenile delinquents.  Before I chose to bend over backwards and twist myself inside out to try to please him.  I chose to stay 3 1/4  years trying everything to make it work.  WHY??? 

A lot of that was for me (already divorced once, thought I’d met my soulmate, didn’t want to go it alone again, wanted our daughter to have a dad) and I needed to know, 100% that I had done everything to try to save the marriage.  I needed to walk away with a clean conscience.  I needed to know that what we had really wasn’t worth saving.  I needed our daughter to be verbal and able to make her needs known as much as possible.  And in the process I allowed myself to be severely emotionally and verbally abused and allowed her to witness it.  I allowed my boundaries to be stomped on time and time again.  I allowed my ethics and morals to be violated in unconsciounable ways.  I feel ashamed of myself for that.

Until, finally, I’d had enough.  I realized that the only person who was going to save me was…me.  I had no one else to guide me out of the nightmare.  I had to find the strength inside to stand up for myself, gather my children and my resources and step forward in faith.  Faith that I was walking in God’s favor towards a future I couldn’t see but trusted was a damn sight better than the past I was leaving behind.  And with guidance and a lot of therapy I have been slowly making me way through this. 

So I will gather up my reserves and I will press on because that is the person I am inside…the person he tried so hard to kill.  If there’s a way out of this, I will by God and for God, find it.  For me.  For the kids.  For our lives. 

This isn’t my hill to die on.

Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  God

I am trying.  I am trying so, so, so hard to remain faithful and in prayer during this time of testing.  The Bible says, “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” 

I feel hopeless.  There, I said it.  I feel like this nightmare will never end, and if by chance it does, it will not be a fairytale ending by any stretch of the imagination.  I am despairing and writhing and crying out to God and feeling so alone.  No one understands what I am going through except God. 

Has he forgotten about me and my children in the middle of nowhere?