A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘hate’

My Pain Has A Name

It’s name’s “SHAME”.

I feel shame because I didn’t stop his abuse towards me until I’d nearly lost my mind.

I feel shame because I did so many good things for a person who didn’t appreciate them in any way, shape or form.

I feel shame because I was diagnosed with an STD…and I was faithful.

I feel shame because I was forced to live in a safe house for 36 days.

I feel shame because I didn’t want to break my rule to not have children before marriage, and I did it with and for him.

I feel shame because I thought he deserved to get another chance.

I feel shame because I wanted him to change.

I feel shame because I believe his lies.

I feel shame because I underestimated the power of Evil in his soul.

I feel shame because he destroyed every piece of me…piece by piece, step -by -step.

I feel shame because I was not meant to be a part-time mother.

I feel shame because I tried to be everything he wanted me to be while he was none of those same things for me.

I feel shame because I dared to dream about him, about sharing my life with him.

I feel shame because I wanted him to appreciate all the good things in me and see what a great mother I am.

I feel shame because I dreamed about and became the mother of his child who he is now saying I’m unfit to care for.

I feel shame because I ignored a lot of red flags.

I feel shame because my present life is totally paralyzed and I’ve gotten sucked into a “dead end” of fear and anxiety.

I feel shame because people who know me think I am weak or stupid or it is all my fault that I became a victim.

I feel shame because there’s nothing I could or can do to make him be in love with me.

I feel shame because I don’t know what’s next.

I feel shame because my wounds are invisible. No one can see I am a victim. I have no bruises or bumps on my body.  They all cover my soul.

I feel shame because I feel I will never be able to fall in love again.

I feel shame because my ex N. was the ONLY man in my life who wanted to date, have sex with and show me I am important. Now I know all his words were only lies. If he was the only man interested in me, does it mean I am sentenced to be alone?

I feel shame because I am 36 years old, I am living in a crummy apartment, broke, with debt and four kids 50% of the time.

I feel shame because I have no daydreams. He was my only daydream in this life…my soulmate.  Once I dared to dream and it turned against me in the worst way imaginable.

I feel shame because I don’t know who I am. I only know who he wanted me to be.

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