“Being taken care of – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Being controlled – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Focusing on making ONLY someone else happy, at the sacrifice of my own happiness – is NOT an option for me. It is a difficult struggle at times – but I choose my freedom over the illusion of security, which would come at too high a cost.” Growing Strong
I’m struggling with guilt and shame in spades right now. I keep trying to be angry at dear hubby and I just can’t find it. But I AM white-hot angry at myself…for not seeing through him, for not listening to my gut in the beginning and for bringing my baby girl in to an unstable relationship. But things were good at the time we got pregnant and I just keep reminding myself of that. I really didn’t know what he was or what he was capable of but I had inklings. Hindsight is truly 20/20.
The shame runs deep as a river and washes through the valley of pain that cuts a swath across my heart. I am ashamed of being an abused wife, I am ashamed not to be a full-time mom, I am ashamed to be locked out of my house and I am ashamed most of all at the choice I made in a spouse. I had gotten out of an awful marriage, I was starting to put my life back together and I had my own place/life. And I give all that up for a man.
On Tuesday dear hubby “slipped” and alluded to the fact that someone is at the house with him. My daycare gal suspects it to be a female from dear hubby’s reaction when she questioned him on it. Was the slip intentional? Did he know she would run right to me and tell me? I suspected before I ever left him that he was seeing other people. The sex had dwindled to literally nothing as of last fall and he kept blaming it on ED. Really? Sudden ED with no explanation? I also found in his computer history from time to time that he had been cruising the dating websites. I took the news of a potential girlfriend well until last night when I had a total breakdown. Again, the feeling of being thrown away like garbage came rushing in and despair ran like rivers down my face. How does he explain all of my things that are still in the house to her? The wedding picture that is still hanging on the wall? Is she as naive and blind as I was? Is she good to my baby girl?
The guilt and shame just keep on rolling in.