A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘God’

Wherever you go…there you are!

“If you don’t get lost, there’s a chance you may never be found.” – Anonymous

I’ve certainly been lost.  Lost in my own mind, in a world of my own making and in a maze to rival that of Alice in Wonderland.  But slowly, ever so slowly, I am finding my way towards the light.  There but for the grace of God go I.

Today would have been my 3rd wedding anniversary.  He refused to “celebrate” the first one…I didn’t really think there was much to celebrate as the abuse was becoming more overt at that point.  The screaming rages over nothing.  The snide comments on my clothes, housekeeping, weight gain, cooking, child rearing…you name it, he criticized it.  His accusations of my infidelity which I later found out were projections to hide his own cheating. 

What I didn’t realize at the time is that he was already starting a smear campaign against me with “our” friends.  Telling them things I said or did that I wasn’t and wouldn’t have done.  I couldn’t understand why they suddenly weren’t inviting us over or looking me in the eye anymore.  Makes perfect sense now.  Now that I know what he is. 

Sociopath.  The word makes you think of Hannibel Lecter.  Or Jeffrey Dahmer.  Not some skinny little mechanic from nowhere, Nebraska.  Yet the lives left in ruin tell their own tale – 3 wives, 11 kids and countless girlfriends/one night stands left in his wake.  Damaged.  Abused.  Disregarded.  Discarded.

By the 2nd anniversary the kids and I were living in our apartment and staring shell-shocked at each other trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.  My 2nd son and I experiencing the beginnings of PTSD.  My baby girl being forced not to see me for a week at a time due to court order.  Sleeping on the floor because he still had our belongings and furniture.  A nightmare.

But this year life is sunnier…I am a survivor.  We have moved in to a new place with a yard, swingset, garage and a garden space.  We can see the country from our front door.  I am recovering as is my son and life is starting to have possibilities.  Hope.  Joy.  Promise.

Now that’s something worth celebrating.

6 Months Ago

I took a calculated risk 6 months ago and left his lying, manipulative, disordered, cheating, cruel, ruthless, abusive ass.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and it nearly killed me.  I knew my 18 month old daughter would face being alone with him during court-ordered visitation although back then I had no idea how much time alone with her he would really get.  I made my decision based on what I knew to be true at the time and with the guidance of people I thought I could trust.  I did my best to separate us from a man so toxic and damaging that I felt I had no choice but to go in to hiding.  I did all of this to protect my 4 children and myself from a lifetime of pain with this man.   To date, this has been a soul-scorching journey filled with the deepest sorrow imaginable. 

I am reaffirming today that my decision was the right one and that I am glad I left him.