A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘Free’

Cheater, Cheater, Biscuit Eater

In the midst of all the chaos this week I happened upon a bit of info that confirmed, soothed and crushed all at the same time. 

My abuser is cheating on his live-in girlfriend.

Now I don’t know how long he’s been “with”  woman #1 (the live-in) or what lies he told her to get her there but I saw her at his house starting last summer when I picked up some of my belongings, thru the fall when I picked up more belongings (she stood outside for this one) and now we are back to summer again so they’ve been “acquainted” approximately a year.  She moved in with him, according to unsolicited eye-witness reports, 3 weeks ago.  He also proudly drives her vehicle (with her along for the ride, of course) to my home to pick-up and drop-off baby girl for the past 3 weeks.

Enter woman #2.  The woman I suspected he was cheating on me with starting approximately two years ago when baby girl was just an infant.  Strange phone calls showing up on our cell phone bill.  Mysterious late nights at work (she worked in the office).  Suddenly working tons of weekend overtime without corresponding increased paychecks.  It was shortly after this behavior started that I stopped having “relations” with him.  I’m thankful for my intuition because a month or so later he reeked “down there”…that was a God thing. 

Anywho, woman #2 has been in the picture longer than live-in gf and it was woman #2 who showed up with my abuser this past week to pick up baby girl.  They looked cozy in his truck.  Comfy together.  Like boyfriend and girlfriend.  But he’s living with #1.  Baby girl talks about #2 ALL THE TIME…calls her by name…even asks me to see her.  But I’ve never heard a name for woman #1 and have no idea who she is as I was assigning woman #2’s name to woman #1 since baby girl talked about her all the time.  Confused yet?  Me too.

Woman #1 drives a vehicle that looks just like the one I had when I met my abuser.  She dresses similarly but is not real savvy based on a couple of exposures I’ve had to her.  Not real savvy works reeeeal well for my abuser.  The more naive’ they are the longer it takes them to figure him out (took me 3 years, wife 1 approximately 8 years and wife 2 12+ years – she is still his “friend”).  He is just that covert and that good at the con. 

It is surreal to watch them pull up to my home…gives me a sense of deja’ vu.  Like watching myself 4 years ago when I first met him.  And watching him run this ruse on these two women just takes me right back to all the doubts I had about him when we were together.  My gut feeling that something was wrong…that his stories weren’t adding up…and my intuition was right.  It was so right that it’s scary.

So I feel confirmed by the fact that he cannot be faithful.  C.A.N.N.O.T.  I feel soothed yet again that IT’S NOT ME!  While I certainly have my issues and I needed defined boundaries soooooo badly throughout my life but didn’t know it – I am not a serial cheater/wife abuser/child abuser/total douche canoe/asshole. 

However, I have a twinge of pain (that crushing feeling) when he pulls up at my home with the “her of the moment” because I was replaced so easily.  So quickly.  Like a malfunctioning toaster he threw me away and got a shiny new model.  I loved this man.  I gave him everything and it very nearly cost me my life and my daughter.  But that’s the old me talking…and karma is a far meaner bitch than I.  The new me would like to remind these women of an old saying. 

If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you.

6 Months Ago

I took a calculated risk 6 months ago and left his lying, manipulative, disordered, cheating, cruel, ruthless, abusive ass.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and it nearly killed me.  I knew my 18 month old daughter would face being alone with him during court-ordered visitation although back then I had no idea how much time alone with her he would really get.  I made my decision based on what I knew to be true at the time and with the guidance of people I thought I could trust.  I did my best to separate us from a man so toxic and damaging that I felt I had no choice but to go in to hiding.  I did all of this to protect my 4 children and myself from a lifetime of pain with this man.   To date, this has been a soul-scorching journey filled with the deepest sorrow imaginable. 

I am reaffirming today that my decision was the right one and that I am glad I left him.

Escapism

 

“The only way to permanently break the cycle of escapism is to develop a positive perception of reality.  If you associate reality with pain, you will constantly desire to escape.  It’s essential to find happiness in reality that outweighs the suffering caused by its problems.  Find the things in life that give you true joy rather than temporary pleasure.  These are the actions that will build up your belief in a positive reality.  Changing your attitude towards reality is easier said than done.  When you’re accustomed to the cycle of pain and escape, reality feels hopeless.  The truth is that reality is neither bad or good, but an equal mix of the two.  Your attitude is a reflection of the parts that you choose to focus on.  By fixing your attention on sources of hope and joy, you can create positive beliefs and reduce the desire to escape.

 

Another mistake people make is waiting for the future.  Do you have a picture of the “ideal life” you’d like to live?  Is there an “ideal you” that you want to become?  Most people live based on the past, waiting for a revelation to make them who they want to be.  It doesn’t work this way.  Your actions in the present determine the future.  The only way to create the future you want is to start living it right now.  Once you start living according to the future you want to create, it’s easy to spot the behaviors that detract from it.  When you realize that giving up bad habits is a necessary and inevitable part of creating the life you desire, addiction begins to lose it’s power over you.  Temporary pleasure and escape doesn’t have the same appeal.  The more progress you make towards your ideal future, the weaker the desire to escape from reality.  Just like the cycle of escapism, the pattern is self-reinforcing.  Over time, you are able to delight in habits that are congruent with your vision — that strengthen a positive reality instead of numbing pain.  Eventually there is no need or desire to rely on addictions for relief and pleasure can be enjoyed for its own sake.”  Pickthebrain.com

I am deep in the cycle of escapism.  I equate my reality with nothing but pain.  Pain at losing the life I knew and the dream I had deep in my heart.  Pain at losing half of my baby girl’s life to my abuser.  Pain at having to start over AGAIN for what feels like the umpteenth time.  Pain at having to figure out who I really am because I don’t know myself at all although I’ve seen glimpses.  I am operating from a state of learned helplessness – why bother to try again when it will turn out exactly the same as before. 

I’d rather pretend that things aren’t what they are right now.  That I wasn’t caught in the middle of a domestic abuse situation.  I don’t want to deal with my problems let alone all of the problems of my kids’ behaviors as a result of the abuse.  This shit is hard and it’s scary and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going.  I feel overwhelmed every time I start to tackle this mess that is my life.  I just want to sit down in the middle of the road and cry.

I need to develop a positive perception of reality – a reason to get out of bed each morning.  I need to stop wallowing in what has happened to me…the things I had no control over.  I instead need to focus on me and the kids to help us all get through this time in our lives.  We need to find the happiness in our new reality and focus on the things that give us true joy.  How do I do that?  How do I create present that is so good that it overshadows all the shit that happens?  How do I begin to feel in control of my own life when many of the decisions concerning my life are made for me? 

I need to find my reason to hope again so that I won’t feel the overwhelming urge to escape.  I can’t remain tied to the past and expect to make things better for our future.  I have to believe in myself and my ability to overcome this situation.

God Gave Me You

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
Ill be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you
Gave me you

Blake Shelton

My Bill of Rights

I have the right to be me

I have the right to put myself first

I have the right to be safe

I have the right to love and be loved

I have the right to be treated with respect

I have the right to be human – not perfect

I have the right to be angry and protest if I’m treated unfairly and abusively by anyone

I have the right to my own privacy

I have the right to my own opinions, to express them, and be taken seriously

I have the right to earn and control my own money

I have the right to ask questions about anything that affects my life

I have the right to make decisions that affect me

I have the right to grow and change, this includes changing my mind

I have the right to say no

I have the right to make mistakes

I have the right to not be responsible for another adult’s problems

I have the right to not be liked by everyone

I have the right to control my own life and to change it if I’m not happy with it as it is

I Wasn’t Ready To Hear It

“If they have no savings by middle age, and come with a collection of divorce certificates, child support decrees, and a bankruptcy…contact your nearest mental health professional to discover why you believe it is your duty and calling to rescue someone who has done and will continue to do a fine job of burying themselves alive. It is said that teenagers do dumb things because their brains are not fully developed until the age of 21; however, this is not appropriate behavior for a middle-aged man.”

God, I wish I would have listened to both you and my gut (one in the same?) when things got bad at month 5.  And again at month 10.  And again at month 12.  It boils down to the simple fact that I wasn’t ready to accept what I already knew – he wasn’t the one for me.  Instead, I forced a square peg in to a round hole over and over and over.

I am finding as I move further along in my journey of recovery that this all has less to do with my abuser than with my family of origin issues.  Whew!  Never expected to hear that come out of my mouth, did ya?  It’s true…I would never have accepted what my abuser was dishing out if I hadn’t been conditioned to accept abuse starting when I was a small child.  I have poor non-existent boundaries in relationships and I’m too nice because that is how I was raised.  I’m a perfectionist because that is how I got my mother’s love – by being the perfect oldest child.  By taking care of everyone else and never having anyone take care of me.  I am controlling of my schedule because my life has never felt like it was under my control.

I had a fantastic conversation with a woman yesterday who hadn’t seen me for some time.  She asked how things had been and I started to tell her my story.  And SHE GOT IT!  She understood and validated me and I could have talked to her for hours.  When I finally stopped rattling my head off, she looked at me and said, “you look great and you are going to be fine…I just know it”.  Just like that.

So I continue onward down the road.  I feel strong today and I clearly feel the Holy Spirit at work inside me.  Changing me.  Molding me.  Speaking to me in a voice so clear it’s amazing.  I am going to be ok.  I will make sure of that.

Sunset in the Daytime

“It’s important to hide God’s Word in your heart even when you feel like you don’t need it because one day, when it feels as if the sun set while it was still day, you’ll find strength and encouragement.”  Joel Osteen

I felt like the sun set during the daytime when the judge handed my daughter over to our abuser for 7 days at a time.  The breath left my body and I had to immediately sit down to keep from falling.  How is it possible for someone to hand a child over in such a cavalier fashion without knowing the facts?

I have gone to the Lord in prayer daily, often many times in a day and used the Word I had hidden in my heart for comfort.  There were times that I sobbed until I thought my heart would stop beating.  The grief and anguish at being unable to protect her has renewed my fight time and time again to get her back.

Psalm 142:3
“When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then you knew my path.” 

I faithfully believe that I am being led where I am to go.  In the 90 days that I have been free I can look back and see how the events I went through, while excruciating and time-consuming in the moment, brought me to the place I am today.  A place of hope and joy.  When I feel uncertainties and “his” voice nagging in the background – I simply take it to God.  He is my rock when all others have failed me.

“Remember, God always causes us to come out better. If it’s raining here, the sun is always shining somewhere else. The sun will always shine again in your life. God always wants us to come to Him in the day of trouble. And when you call upon Him, He will show you great and mighty things, and He will surely rescue you.”  Joel Osteen