A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘Doubt’

Every Day I’m Shuffling

“Life is Difficult” ~ M. Scott Peck

Peck knows what he is talking about.  Life is so freaking difficult sometimes that I just meltdown in sobs.  I’m not a sobber…or I wasn’t until I left asshat ex2.  (Oh I’m sorry, the incredibly pathological personality disordered man, er boy, who was my second husband.  He’s still an asshat though.)  I can’t seem to get my life rolling in any solid direction.  Just when I feel like I have a handle on shit then it all goes to shit…in a handbasket.  I feel like hell.

Did I tell you that I got accosted (is that a word?) at the grocery store last week?  Yeah, in the midst of my week from hell I cut some woman off from her lettuce.  Seriously…she said, “you cut me off from my lettuce”.  I just stared at her…then she said, “I would never have cut you off from your cucumbers”.  That’s where I was standing when this conversation went down.  I felt like I was on punk’d and kept waiting for Ashton to jump out.  Didn’t happen.  Again.  I finally said, “excuse me?”…she repeated it all again (blah, blah, lettuce…blah, blah, cucumbers) and I walked away shaking my head.  She looked mentally ill but even so I will mark that down on my list of shit not to ever do again…cut someone off from their lettuce.

I’ve listed some more of my stuff to sell.  Not willingly.  The aforementioned asshat still isn’t paying child support and I’ve got some big bills looming in the next 2 weeks so I’m gonna thin the herd.  We may end up sitting on lawn chairs to eat.  I had to do this a month ago because I couldn’t pay my rent.  This month its my vehicle payment, new tires, glasses for myself and license plate renewal which is 2 months overdue.  I just kept thinking that money would show up from somewhere (hello?  IRS?) but magical thinking has never worked for me.  It would be nice to get some mail that didn’t include multi-figure amounts and due-by dates.

I want my life to change.  I want a new job – one without verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and enough disordered people to fill a mental ward.  I want a peaceful life – one that doesn’t include psycho ex’s screaming at me on the front lawn.  I want money to be able to pay my bills and take my kids to the movies once in a while.  Not the expensive theatre…the $2.50/kid theatre.  I want to be able to eat out once in a while when I’m too tired to cook and not have to worry about which bill I won’t be able to pay.  I want my ex’s to start paying the bills that they were court-ordered to pay and stop mooching off me. 

I’ve read that I need to be the change I want to see. 

Please tell me how to do that.

 

Right Back to Hell

Today has been a really sad day.  I feel like I’ve lost 6 months of healing in just one week.  Wednesday was the verbal attack by ex1.  Friday was verbal abuse via email from ex2.  Saturday my washing machine died.  Sunday I realized as I sent baby girl out the door with ex2 that I would only get to see her 5 hours in the next 3 weeks (which leaves him 499 hours in which to abuse her).  Today I found out that the repair bill for the washer will be almost triple what I paid for the damn machine.  *sigh*  *super sigh*  *tears*

I feel like I’ve died and gone right back to hell.  AS IF the last year wasn’t a hell-fire and damnation story of epic proportions…now I get to do it all over again THIS year.  Great…can’t wait…please note sarcasm.

Why am I on this earth?  Why was I born in to a horrifically abusive family who made me the scapegoat?  Why didn’t anyone ever intervene?  Why didn’t any of my extended family ever love me?  Why did God help me to escape only to put me thru 11 months of hell to regain some of what I lost?  Why do I have to struggle every single day to provide for my children what most people take for granted…a safe home, a warm meal and a family who loves them. 

Why do I keep going?  What is the point?  Where is all this leading?

Finances are my biggest stumbling block.  Abuse I can handle.  I’ve been abused my entire life so I know how to deal with that.  But although court-ordered to do so, ex2 refuses to pay child support, daycare or medical expenses at all.  ex1 pays but when he feels like it and he underreports his income to keep his payments as low as possible.  What I’m left with is never having enough money to keep food on the table and my bills paid each month.  And their bills…I’m still having to pay for their bills too.  I’m always “borrowing” from next month’s paycheck to pay this month’s bills and its a scary place to be.  I have no savings.  My vehicle needs a ton of repairs AND new tires.  I never know when I will get child support.  My boss has been steering new clients towards my supervisor instead of to me…I’m even being abused in the workplace.  *sigh*   

I want to quit.  I want to lay down and die in the middle of the road.  I see no point in my life.  Nothing ever changes…15 months out and just the same shit/different day every single week. 

It was a joke to think I deserved better.

Escapism

 

“The only way to permanently break the cycle of escapism is to develop a positive perception of reality.  If you associate reality with pain, you will constantly desire to escape.  It’s essential to find happiness in reality that outweighs the suffering caused by its problems.  Find the things in life that give you true joy rather than temporary pleasure.  These are the actions that will build up your belief in a positive reality.  Changing your attitude towards reality is easier said than done.  When you’re accustomed to the cycle of pain and escape, reality feels hopeless.  The truth is that reality is neither bad or good, but an equal mix of the two.  Your attitude is a reflection of the parts that you choose to focus on.  By fixing your attention on sources of hope and joy, you can create positive beliefs and reduce the desire to escape.

 

Another mistake people make is waiting for the future.  Do you have a picture of the “ideal life” you’d like to live?  Is there an “ideal you” that you want to become?  Most people live based on the past, waiting for a revelation to make them who they want to be.  It doesn’t work this way.  Your actions in the present determine the future.  The only way to create the future you want is to start living it right now.  Once you start living according to the future you want to create, it’s easy to spot the behaviors that detract from it.  When you realize that giving up bad habits is a necessary and inevitable part of creating the life you desire, addiction begins to lose it’s power over you.  Temporary pleasure and escape doesn’t have the same appeal.  The more progress you make towards your ideal future, the weaker the desire to escape from reality.  Just like the cycle of escapism, the pattern is self-reinforcing.  Over time, you are able to delight in habits that are congruent with your vision — that strengthen a positive reality instead of numbing pain.  Eventually there is no need or desire to rely on addictions for relief and pleasure can be enjoyed for its own sake.”  Pickthebrain.com

I am deep in the cycle of escapism.  I equate my reality with nothing but pain.  Pain at losing the life I knew and the dream I had deep in my heart.  Pain at losing half of my baby girl’s life to my abuser.  Pain at having to start over AGAIN for what feels like the umpteenth time.  Pain at having to figure out who I really am because I don’t know myself at all although I’ve seen glimpses.  I am operating from a state of learned helplessness – why bother to try again when it will turn out exactly the same as before. 

I’d rather pretend that things aren’t what they are right now.  That I wasn’t caught in the middle of a domestic abuse situation.  I don’t want to deal with my problems let alone all of the problems of my kids’ behaviors as a result of the abuse.  This shit is hard and it’s scary and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going.  I feel overwhelmed every time I start to tackle this mess that is my life.  I just want to sit down in the middle of the road and cry.

I need to develop a positive perception of reality – a reason to get out of bed each morning.  I need to stop wallowing in what has happened to me…the things I had no control over.  I instead need to focus on me and the kids to help us all get through this time in our lives.  We need to find the happiness in our new reality and focus on the things that give us true joy.  How do I do that?  How do I create present that is so good that it overshadows all the shit that happens?  How do I begin to feel in control of my own life when many of the decisions concerning my life are made for me? 

I need to find my reason to hope again so that I won’t feel the overwhelming urge to escape.  I can’t remain tied to the past and expect to make things better for our future.  I have to believe in myself and my ability to overcome this situation.

Dear God, How Much More?

I have hit rock bottom today, Lord.  The news that my 2 completely f-ed up ex’s are working together is the ultimate nail in the coffin and the full weight of it is pounding down on me.  My daycare provider is waffling on helping me fight my abuser and actually said today, “maybe I just wish he’d be a better dad”.  Yeah, well, I wished too and look where I ended up!  I am exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, disgusted and stunned.  By it all.  Wondering where and if this nightmare will ever end.  I don’t know if I can keep going.  I can’t even feel safe in my own home or be myself around my children.  How much more can you possibly dish out to me before I just quit?  How do I possibly keep being this strong every single day?  Every time I start to turn a corner, get my shit together, feel less afraid and have a good day or two…MORE $HIT HAPPENS.

Please help me see that this going to get better.  I have trusted you, continued in faith, listened to your voice, felt my baby leap, studied your word and acted according to your will.  How much more suffering will I have to endure before my enemies are defeated and my reward delivered?

If it be your will, Lord, please deliver me.

Depression

“I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die… What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”

During the fourth stage, the person begins to understand the certainty of the situation.  Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving.  This process allows the person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection.  It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage.  It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.  Also referred to as preparatory grieving.  In a way it’s the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the ‘aftermath’ although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves.  It’s a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment.  It’s natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc.  It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.  This is when it sinks in there’s no going back to this man and that the man you loved never existed.  You mourn the loss of time and the abuse you tolerated.  You direct the anger at yourself and feel stupid for being with him and fear getting into another relationship, lest you become involved with another man just like him.  Like the Anger stage, you don’t want to get stuck here either. Feeling sadness over this relationship is natural, but don’t let your experience with this man distort how you view all relationships.  Not all men are like him and, if you can feel the painful and difficult feelings that ending this relationship brings up, you’ll get through it.

If I can just feel the painful and heartwrenching feelings that the end of this “relationship” have forced out of my gaping chest wound, then I will get through it.  Words to cling to and hang my hat on.

I’m getting there.  There.  That place of acceptance that tells me that I have found the reality of the situation and looked it squarely in the eye without flinching.  No longer lying in bed sobbing for the loss of my “normal”.  No longer in fear for my kids and I’s safety – emotional or physical.

It’s been a slow, tumultuous trip so far and one that is far from done.  New temporary hearing.  Mediation.  Trial.  That’s a lot more grief to go through to reach the path of acceptance and freedom.

I better pack a bigger bag.

I Want To Be Normal Again

When does the overwhelming fatigue go away?  When will I feel his grip on me loosen?  When will my mind stop rolling the “facts of the case” around and around like a washing machine gone wild?  When will I be “normal” again?

I’m so tired of the dysfunction.  I’m tired of his name being on my lips.  I’m tired of my first thought each day being of him.  I’m tired of being afraid every single time my daughter goes home with him.

How do I move past this?  Where do I find normal?  When do I stop doubting that I am going to survive?  When do I place my trust in the Lord 100%?

I want me back.  I want the happy-go-lucky girl who had a life going for her back.  I want a partner to share my life with.  I want a home that I can call mine.  I want a job that I am proud of.  I want to be normal again.

At Least I’m Free

“You might be eating dirt & weeds, but at least you’re free.” Navy Seals

 Life is a rollercoaster right now.  I have good days, I have great days and I have days so low that I beg God to make the pain stop.  I go to work, take care of my kids, attend their activities and I worry.  I worry about all the things in my kids’ lives that I have no control over.  All the obstacles I have given them by marrying their disordered fathers.  It’s enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and die.

So, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and push on.  Cause while I am eating dirt and weeds right now I can truly say that at least I’m free.