I can’t remember now how the topic came up but the kids and I got to talking about my being “child free” last night – as in, never having had them at all. I went on about trips I could take, cleaning I would no longer have to do and all the eating out I could indulge in. What didn’t occur to me then, and wish now it would have, is that I think they took my comments very much to heart. If I had a “do over” I would have followed that up with, “but I would never trade you guys for a spotless house, trips or crappy restaurant food”. But I didn’t.
Some days I just feel like a really bad Mom.
I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.
I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.
Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.
I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.
By Lynn S.
Divorcing my first husband was the third-best decision I’ve ever made.
Divorcing my second husband is the second-best decision I have ever made.
Deciding to have my children was the best decision I have ever made.
I got stabbed in the back today. What I came to realize, after nearly wrecking my truck and finally calming down, is that I needed it as a wake-up call. A wake up call not to share information with anyone. A wake up call to just how disordered both my ex and my abuser are. A wake up call that those two are never going to change and that they truly have no feeling for me but hate.
What else do I know? I know that I am strong and capable and willing to work on me so that I don’t ever end up in this position again. I know that God is watching out for me every step of the way even when I don’t realize it. I know that these two are so weak alone that they feel they must team up to attack me. I know that my children are wonderful and that they make each day worth fighting for.
You know, it’s almost laughable to think of my two ex’s hunched over their phones, trying to come up with ways to get back at me. Almost.
When I used to think of cheating, I thought of walking in to my bedroom and finding dear hubby being ridden by some skanky hooker. What I never thought of before, but do now, think of cheating is the dozens of women he flirted with, talked to, called on the phone and ignored me for. On days when he acted like I wasn’t his wife, when he shared intimate details of our marriage with x-3, when he talked for hours with 2-faced, when he flirted with some nameless waitress right in front of me…that was cheating just as much as if they’d been having sex on my bed in my home. He shared a part of himself or led me to the conclusion that he had just to hurt me…to watch the pain and rage and shame rip across my heart.
I know in my heart that he didn’t love me, that I was disposable to him and interchangeable with the next brunette who wandered along. I was the faceless object he used to garner his next “high” and the pain of that haunts my dreams. The fact that I loved a monster with all my heart for 3 years haunts me even more.
“So hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause we are stronger here together
Then we could ever be alone
Just hold on to me
Don’t you ever let me go
Hold on to me, it’s gonna be alright
Hold on to me tonight” Michael Buble
Holding on is all I’ve been doing lately. My abuser has turned his rage on my baby girl and she is now suffering in ways I could never have imagined. It makes me physically ill to see her go through this time of shock, confusion and abuse. Absolutely sick.
I am finally coming to a place of acceptance that he never loved me and that his actions are his problems…not mine. It is an incredibly painful reality to realize he never cared about me but almost unfathomable the lengths he has gone to remind me of that reality. Locking us out of the house, fighting for our daughter, showing off the new girlfriend…all signs screaming disorder. Yet at the same time tearing my heart out of my chest and stomping on it in the street.
So I will continue to hold on and fight for what I know is right. Because fighting for my girl is something I would do to my very last breath.
Lying in bed and wishing that I had a solution…a quick and easy fix. Unfortunately, I knew getting away from him would be neither quick nor easy. I escaped with my life, for which I’m grateful and my sanity, which I now cherish in a way I never did before. He was driving me insane at a slow, determined pace. I have seen this compared to a frog and a pot of water. If you drop a frog in to boiling water, it will jump out and save itself. If you put a frog in to a pot of cold water and bring the water slowly to a boil, the frog will remain in the pot and cook to death. So it was for me…if dear hubby had shown his “crazy” right from the start, I would have run. But, since he waited and gradually made life more and more intolerable for me, I just kept dancing faster to stay one step ahead of him. Sick and twisted, if you really stop and think about it.
So tonight I hate him – for putting me and my children through so much and more yet to come, I fear.