Tomorrow marks the umpteenth time we are going to court. This time is in regard to my property that he still has – 5th time is the charm. Right? We are asking for credit rather than stuff this time. I’ve decided to let it all go. None of it is of consequence and will only serve as a reminder of my life with him. The lie I had with him. I hate going to court. This judge likes to yell and really get after people. I didn’t do anything wrong and I know that but my old “programming” sneaks up on me…making me feel responsible for things I have no control over. Say some prayers, would ya!
The other night I was laying in bed listening to music and letting my mind wander. Suddenly I had a thought hit me…my “dream” of being with him/my life with him was, for all intents and purposes, selling my soul to the devil. I don’t need ANY dream that badly. And with that, my dream has been shattered. Left lying on the floor. A bygone. And I’m left feeling relieved – like the weight of the world is off me. I don’t need a dream that forces me to totally neglect myself, allow my life to fall by the wayside and care only for the needs of one overgrown man. I know better now so I can DO better now.
My life at work still sucks big time. But the result of not letting others dump their emotional shit on me all day has me feeling so much clearer mentally. Its really amazing. My energy levels are still not great because of all the effort it takes to maintain boundaries with the nuts. But I’m doing it and praying hard that guidance will be given to me for a new job. I’m open and willing and ready.
Welcome to my recovery!
I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.
I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.
Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.
I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.
By Lynn S.
I have hit rock bottom today, Lord. The news that my 2 completely f-ed up ex’s are working together is the ultimate nail in the coffin and the full weight of it is pounding down on me. My daycare provider is waffling on helping me fight my abuser and actually said today, “maybe I just wish he’d be a better dad”. Yeah, well, I wished too and look where I ended up! I am exhausted, overwhelmed, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated, disgusted and stunned. By it all. Wondering where and if this nightmare will ever end. I don’t know if I can keep going. I can’t even feel safe in my own home or be myself around my children. How much more can you possibly dish out to me before I just quit? How do I possibly keep being this strong every single day? Every time I start to turn a corner, get my shit together, feel less afraid and have a good day or two…MORE $HIT HAPPENS.
Please help me see that this going to get better. I have trusted you, continued in faith, listened to your voice, felt my baby leap, studied your word and acted according to your will. How much more suffering will I have to endure before my enemies are defeated and my reward delivered?
If it be your will, Lord, please deliver me.
Finally had the temporary custody hearing today and I think it’s a mixed blessing. We each get her on alternating weeks, I get $202 in child support, he pays half of daycare and we are each responsible for her expenses on “our” week.
I have never spent a single night apart from her in her almost 19 months and this breaks my heart. But I have already arranged through my work to take early lunch hours on my days I don’t have her. This means I will only go without seeing her for two full days on his week with her.
We did get joint restraining orders but the judge felt the domestic abuse wasn’t a factor in child custody. BLOWS MY MIND! He can call me names and treat me like dirt in front of the kids but it doesn’t affect them?
I pray he will finally see how much work goes in to parenting and decide he doesn’t want her all that much. Maybe he will get back in to racing the race car so he will be extremely busy 7 nights a week. Who knows.
The important thing is that he didn’t get her full-time and that I will really only not see her on his weekend. Feels like crumbs at this point.
So much has happened and yet I feel as if time is standing still. Let me give you a timeline:
3/31 – hubby drove us across 4 lanes of traffic without looking during one of his rages. I stay the night with my daycare provider. He doesn’t call.
4/1 – moved in to the shelter with my four kids, taking only clothing, shoes & toiletries. He finally calls and leaves a voicemail that he’s changed the locks so I can only get in through him.
4/4 – he sends an email to my work asking me to “settle this”.
4/9 – I reply to his email that I will respond if he remains civil.
4/11 – find out that dear hubby filed for divorce on 4/7.
4/14 – filed my paperwork for temporary custody and support.
4/15 – receive a text message from him that he is cancelling my cell service as of 4/19.
4/16 – finally receive a response to my email. He wants to see the baby (only took 17 days!) and he hopes we can have a good relationship moving forward.
4/17 – receive another email; this one only asks when he can see the baby. I block his email addresses.
4/20 – receive a confirmation email from Verizon. My cell phone service shuts off within a half hour.
4/21 – call the cell phone provider and resume my service since dear hubby only suspended it and didn’t change the billing password.
4/22 – receive paperwork from my attorney that dear hubby has alleged things against me (as if he’s a victim).
So now I’m left wondering what crock of lies dear hubby has cooked up. I’m sure its going to be a doozy