A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘Climb’

This Isn’t My Hill

Life should have choices beyond mere survival. 

It feels like, on some days, surviving is the best I can do.  But I really feel the need to accept responsibility for my part in what happened.  No, I’m not blaming the victim here (although I have recently) but I’m trying to move forward in my recovery process.  What I’ve finally allowed myself to see is that hindsight is 20/20 – I should have walked away 3 months into the relationship.  Before I ever moved in with him.  Before my life became so enmeshed with his that I felt I had no choices.  Before I chose to continue seeing him and chose to try to make things work.  Before I chose to move in with him and his pack of juvenile delinquents.  Before I chose to bend over backwards and twist myself inside out to try to please him.  I chose to stay 3 1/4  years trying everything to make it work.  WHY??? 

A lot of that was for me (already divorced once, thought I’d met my soulmate, didn’t want to go it alone again, wanted our daughter to have a dad) and I needed to know, 100% that I had done everything to try to save the marriage.  I needed to walk away with a clean conscience.  I needed to know that what we had really wasn’t worth saving.  I needed our daughter to be verbal and able to make her needs known as much as possible.  And in the process I allowed myself to be severely emotionally and verbally abused and allowed her to witness it.  I allowed my boundaries to be stomped on time and time again.  I allowed my ethics and morals to be violated in unconsciounable ways.  I feel ashamed of myself for that.

Until, finally, I’d had enough.  I realized that the only person who was going to save me was…me.  I had no one else to guide me out of the nightmare.  I had to find the strength inside to stand up for myself, gather my children and my resources and step forward in faith.  Faith that I was walking in God’s favor towards a future I couldn’t see but trusted was a damn sight better than the past I was leaving behind.  And with guidance and a lot of therapy I have been slowly making me way through this. 

So I will gather up my reserves and I will press on because that is the person I am inside…the person he tried so hard to kill.  If there’s a way out of this, I will by God and for God, find it.  For me.  For the kids.  For our lives. 

This isn’t my hill to die on.