A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘chocolate’

6 Months Ago

I took a calculated risk 6 months ago and left his lying, manipulative, disordered, cheating, cruel, ruthless, abusive ass.  It was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life and it nearly killed me.  I knew my 18 month old daughter would face being alone with him during court-ordered visitation although back then I had no idea how much time alone with her he would really get.  I made my decision based on what I knew to be true at the time and with the guidance of people I thought I could trust.  I did my best to separate us from a man so toxic and damaging that I felt I had no choice but to go in to hiding.  I did all of this to protect my 4 children and myself from a lifetime of pain with this man.   To date, this has been a soul-scorching journey filled with the deepest sorrow imaginable. 

I am reaffirming today that my decision was the right one and that I am glad I left him.

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What Makes ME Happy?

I have read, read, read, read and read some more to try to understand what has happened to me.  My final verdict?  Emotional terrorism.  Now, I’m 56 days out and realizing that things that aren’t real don’t last.

So I’m on a journey to focus on me and figure out what makes ME happy.  Me, the girl woman who truly existed before he came in to my life and took it over like the terrorist he is.  So, here is a preliminary list of what makes me most happy:

My kids, of course

Spending time with others

Singing karaoke

Painting – ceramics, pictures, walls, houses

Designing/decorating my living spaces

Reading

Taking long walks

Talking on the phone

Garage sales and/or auctions

Joel Osteen

The library

Chickflicks or Sci-fi movies

Making love

Listening to my music

Volleyball

Being an EMT

Gardening and yard work

Playing at the park

Baking

Going to the bar

Praying

Chocolate

Country-western dancing

Daydreaming

Sleeping in

Weddings – even after 2 failed ones

Happy e-mails

Laying in front of the fireplace

First kisses

Cheesecake

Getting my nails done

Snow falling

Android phones

Candles

Clean sheets on my bed

Mustard

Sad Valentine

After a wonderful, awesome, amazing weekend spent entirely with my bio kids (as dear hubby and evil spawn were gone) today seems to be such a disappointment.  Intellectually, I understand dear hubby’s narcissistic personality disorder is the reason/cause/excuse for the way he treats me.  I know it and I accept that he is never going to improve/seek help/love me.  But in my heart, I have a broken weeping area for what could have been.  Opportunity lost to the hands of a disorder that is rooted in his awful childhood.  And there is nothing I can do about it.  Me, the fixer, the righter of wrongs, the mom, the amazing me just can’t.fix.him.  And according to everything I have read, the chances of him ever fixing himself (even with psychotherapy) are about as remote as pigs flying.

So, this leaves me feeling like an outcast in an office full of roses and chocolates.  My co-workers talk excitedly as I type this, comparing their v-day plans for the evening and looking forward to time spent with their “other half”.  Mine acted as if this were just another day and barely gave me a peck on the cheek as I went out the door.

I doubt he even remembers what day this is.

That’s NOT a chocolate bar

Bath time is a much-anticipated nightly ritual with our crew. After the last spaghetti noodle has been slurped, the final scoop of mashed potato rubbed in the baby’s hair, a single morsel of chicken breast stolen off the floor by the cat…it’s off to the bathroom for some tubby time. Tubby time became particularly exciting over the weekend when the baby decided to “let loose”. Ewws and awwws were heard throughout the joint. And who had the pleasure of cleaning up such a lapse in etiquette. Yeppers, the Mama!
 
Anyway, this little incident got me to thinking about when something is not quite as it appears – an illusion.  Dear Husband and I had a huge fight with lots of yelling, posturing, door slamming and blaming. We were supposedly fighting over an incident that had happened while his son was at daycare. Or I thought that’s what we were fighting about. But somewhere in the midst of chaos, I took a mental step back and realized it wasn’t about his son or his son’s crappy behavior or even about me at all. Dear Husband was mentally fighting with his ex; for not paying her child support on time, for not remembering to medicate their child over the previous weekend and for just being a crappy, unreliable, part-time at best mother. So while I was the one actually being yelled at and talked down to, it was her that he wanted to unleash on.
 
And while it didn’t cushion the blow of the fight all that much, I ate about 10 peanut butter oreos and went back to work after it was over.