I can’t remember now how the topic came up but the kids and I got to talking about my being “child free” last night – as in, never having had them at all. I went on about trips I could take, cleaning I would no longer have to do and all the eating out I could indulge in. What didn’t occur to me then, and wish now it would have, is that I think they took my comments very much to heart. If I had a “do over” I would have followed that up with, “but I would never trade you guys for a spotless house, trips or crappy restaurant food”. But I didn’t.
Some days I just feel like a really bad Mom.
The stress in my house is now starting to affect my job and my overall outlook on life. I am in the process today of cleaning up a MAJOR screw-up at my job and hoping I don’t lose the client to boot. These types of oversights are not like me at all and reflect my utter distraction with all the bullshit that’s been going on. Speaking of which, dear hubby slept on the couch last night. Why? Because I confronted him about back-stabbing me again in front of his son. I was
nice bitchy about it, very firm and in-his-face so that there was no denying the facts of what he had done. And he’d only been home about a half hour when this shit went down…after leaving me home alone all weekend with 5 kids. This is but one day in my life and with my GAD I really don’t need any extra “help” in the non-supportive spouse arena.
I have also come to realize with each passing day that I am becoming more and more like dear hubby – lacking in empathy and seeing shadows where there are none. Is paranoia contagious? I have read that a narcissist’s spouse starts to mirror the same behaviours in time because the narcissist projects so much crap onto their SO and they eventually begin to believe it. Stockholm syndrome, anyone?
It’s yet another reason I need to get gone.