A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘assholes’

Escapism

 

“The only way to permanently break the cycle of escapism is to develop a positive perception of reality.  If you associate reality with pain, you will constantly desire to escape.  It’s essential to find happiness in reality that outweighs the suffering caused by its problems.  Find the things in life that give you true joy rather than temporary pleasure.  These are the actions that will build up your belief in a positive reality.  Changing your attitude towards reality is easier said than done.  When you’re accustomed to the cycle of pain and escape, reality feels hopeless.  The truth is that reality is neither bad or good, but an equal mix of the two.  Your attitude is a reflection of the parts that you choose to focus on.  By fixing your attention on sources of hope and joy, you can create positive beliefs and reduce the desire to escape.

 

Another mistake people make is waiting for the future.  Do you have a picture of the “ideal life” you’d like to live?  Is there an “ideal you” that you want to become?  Most people live based on the past, waiting for a revelation to make them who they want to be.  It doesn’t work this way.  Your actions in the present determine the future.  The only way to create the future you want is to start living it right now.  Once you start living according to the future you want to create, it’s easy to spot the behaviors that detract from it.  When you realize that giving up bad habits is a necessary and inevitable part of creating the life you desire, addiction begins to lose it’s power over you.  Temporary pleasure and escape doesn’t have the same appeal.  The more progress you make towards your ideal future, the weaker the desire to escape from reality.  Just like the cycle of escapism, the pattern is self-reinforcing.  Over time, you are able to delight in habits that are congruent with your vision — that strengthen a positive reality instead of numbing pain.  Eventually there is no need or desire to rely on addictions for relief and pleasure can be enjoyed for its own sake.”  Pickthebrain.com

I am deep in the cycle of escapism.  I equate my reality with nothing but pain.  Pain at losing the life I knew and the dream I had deep in my heart.  Pain at losing half of my baby girl’s life to my abuser.  Pain at having to start over AGAIN for what feels like the umpteenth time.  Pain at having to figure out who I really am because I don’t know myself at all although I’ve seen glimpses.  I am operating from a state of learned helplessness – why bother to try again when it will turn out exactly the same as before. 

I’d rather pretend that things aren’t what they are right now.  That I wasn’t caught in the middle of a domestic abuse situation.  I don’t want to deal with my problems let alone all of the problems of my kids’ behaviors as a result of the abuse.  This shit is hard and it’s scary and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going.  I feel overwhelmed every time I start to tackle this mess that is my life.  I just want to sit down in the middle of the road and cry.

I need to develop a positive perception of reality – a reason to get out of bed each morning.  I need to stop wallowing in what has happened to me…the things I had no control over.  I instead need to focus on me and the kids to help us all get through this time in our lives.  We need to find the happiness in our new reality and focus on the things that give us true joy.  How do I do that?  How do I create present that is so good that it overshadows all the shit that happens?  How do I begin to feel in control of my own life when many of the decisions concerning my life are made for me? 

I need to find my reason to hope again so that I won’t feel the overwhelming urge to escape.  I can’t remain tied to the past and expect to make things better for our future.  I have to believe in myself and my ability to overcome this situation.

Cast Away

I have a box with golden wings.
My hope lies buried there.
I fill my life with countless things
To fight off the despair.

I know that I should open it.
Sometimes the urge is strong;
But somehow I resist a bit
Because I’ve hurt so long.

Yet, someday soon when time has passed
There’ll come a brighter day
I’ll open up the box at last
My fears I’ll cast away.

I’ll don the wings of purest gold,
I’ll free the hope within.
I’ll look on fear as something old.
Renewed, I’ll live again.

By Lynn S.

What I Know

Divorcing my first husband was the third-best decision I’ve ever made.

Divorcing my second husband is the second-best decision I have ever made.

Deciding to have my children was the best decision I have ever made.

I got stabbed in the back today.  What I came to realize, after nearly wrecking my truck and finally calming down, is that I needed it as a wake-up call.  A wake up call not to share information with anyone.  A wake up call to just how disordered both my ex and my abuser are.  A wake up call that those two are never going to change and that they truly have no feeling for me but hate.

What else do I know?  I know that I am strong and capable and willing to work on me so that I don’t ever end up in this position again.  I know that God is watching out for me every step of the way even when I don’t realize it.  I know that these two are so weak alone that they feel they must team up to attack me.  I know that my children are wonderful and that they make each day worth fighting for.

You know, it’s almost laughable to think of my two ex’s hunched over their phones, trying to come up with ways to get back at me.  Almost.

Depression

“I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die… What’s the point?”; “I miss my loved one, why go on?”

During the fourth stage, the person begins to understand the certainty of the situation.  Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving.  This process allows the person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection.  It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage.  It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.  Also referred to as preparatory grieving.  In a way it’s the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the ‘aftermath’ although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves.  It’s a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment.  It’s natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc.  It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.  This is when it sinks in there’s no going back to this man and that the man you loved never existed.  You mourn the loss of time and the abuse you tolerated.  You direct the anger at yourself and feel stupid for being with him and fear getting into another relationship, lest you become involved with another man just like him.  Like the Anger stage, you don’t want to get stuck here either. Feeling sadness over this relationship is natural, but don’t let your experience with this man distort how you view all relationships.  Not all men are like him and, if you can feel the painful and difficult feelings that ending this relationship brings up, you’ll get through it.

If I can just feel the painful and heartwrenching feelings that the end of this “relationship” have forced out of my gaping chest wound, then I will get through it.  Words to cling to and hang my hat on.

I’m getting there.  There.  That place of acceptance that tells me that I have found the reality of the situation and looked it squarely in the eye without flinching.  No longer lying in bed sobbing for the loss of my “normal”.  No longer in fear for my kids and I’s safety – emotional or physical.

It’s been a slow, tumultuous trip so far and one that is far from done.  New temporary hearing.  Mediation.  Trial.  That’s a lot more grief to go through to reach the path of acceptance and freedom.

I better pack a bigger bag.

At Least I’m Free

“You might be eating dirt & weeds, but at least you’re free.” Navy Seals

 Life is a rollercoaster right now.  I have good days, I have great days and I have days so low that I beg God to make the pain stop.  I go to work, take care of my kids, attend their activities and I worry.  I worry about all the things in my kids’ lives that I have no control over.  All the obstacles I have given them by marrying their disordered fathers.  It’s enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and die.

So, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and push on.  Cause while I am eating dirt and weeds right now I can truly say that at least I’m free.

He Filed First

I’m sitting here in a stunned silence – there are no words for how hard this hits.  I found out this morning that my husband filed for divorce last Thursday, just hours before my attorney went over to file mine.  I’ve always been led to believe that he that shoots first stands the best chance but my attorney tells me that’s not the case anymore.

However, this does nothing to quell the heartbreak I feel now that I have proof that he truly does not love me.  I’ve known it for some time in my heart despite his constant reassurances that he loved me and wanted our relationship to work.  What a joke!

So I will cry and wish things could have been different.  But in the end, I will be happy he did this.

Trying?

Vagueness, rage, lack of commitment, hope, rejection, name-calling, abandonment, love — a crazy, uncertain roller coaster ride. I never, ever knew where I stood; but, when I was so rude as to ASK I got only disgust and anger and blame. I was supposed to be some kind of perfect smiling plastic person who had no needs and made no demands on him or his time. It wore me down so much. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  I kept trying, though — trying to be perfect and sweet and uncomplaining, even when hurt and dumped and devalued.