A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘asshole’

Cheater, Cheater, Biscuit Eater

In the midst of all the chaos this week I happened upon a bit of info that confirmed, soothed and crushed all at the same time. 

My abuser is cheating on his live-in girlfriend.

Now I don’t know how long he’s been “with”  woman #1 (the live-in) or what lies he told her to get her there but I saw her at his house starting last summer when I picked up some of my belongings, thru the fall when I picked up more belongings (she stood outside for this one) and now we are back to summer again so they’ve been “acquainted” approximately a year.  She moved in with him, according to unsolicited eye-witness reports, 3 weeks ago.  He also proudly drives her vehicle (with her along for the ride, of course) to my home to pick-up and drop-off baby girl for the past 3 weeks.

Enter woman #2.  The woman I suspected he was cheating on me with starting approximately two years ago when baby girl was just an infant.  Strange phone calls showing up on our cell phone bill.  Mysterious late nights at work (she worked in the office).  Suddenly working tons of weekend overtime without corresponding increased paychecks.  It was shortly after this behavior started that I stopped having “relations” with him.  I’m thankful for my intuition because a month or so later he reeked “down there”…that was a God thing. 

Anywho, woman #2 has been in the picture longer than live-in gf and it was woman #2 who showed up with my abuser this past week to pick up baby girl.  They looked cozy in his truck.  Comfy together.  Like boyfriend and girlfriend.  But he’s living with #1.  Baby girl talks about #2 ALL THE TIME…calls her by name…even asks me to see her.  But I’ve never heard a name for woman #1 and have no idea who she is as I was assigning woman #2’s name to woman #1 since baby girl talked about her all the time.  Confused yet?  Me too.

Woman #1 drives a vehicle that looks just like the one I had when I met my abuser.  She dresses similarly but is not real savvy based on a couple of exposures I’ve had to her.  Not real savvy works reeeeal well for my abuser.  The more naive’ they are the longer it takes them to figure him out (took me 3 years, wife 1 approximately 8 years and wife 2 12+ years – she is still his “friend”).  He is just that covert and that good at the con. 

It is surreal to watch them pull up to my home…gives me a sense of deja’ vu.  Like watching myself 4 years ago when I first met him.  And watching him run this ruse on these two women just takes me right back to all the doubts I had about him when we were together.  My gut feeling that something was wrong…that his stories weren’t adding up…and my intuition was right.  It was so right that it’s scary.

So I feel confirmed by the fact that he cannot be faithful.  C.A.N.N.O.T.  I feel soothed yet again that IT’S NOT ME!  While I certainly have my issues and I needed defined boundaries soooooo badly throughout my life but didn’t know it – I am not a serial cheater/wife abuser/child abuser/total douche canoe/asshole. 

However, I have a twinge of pain (that crushing feeling) when he pulls up at my home with the “her of the moment” because I was replaced so easily.  So quickly.  Like a malfunctioning toaster he threw me away and got a shiny new model.  I loved this man.  I gave him everything and it very nearly cost me my life and my daughter.  But that’s the old me talking…and karma is a far meaner bitch than I.  The new me would like to remind these women of an old saying. 

If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you.

Altercation

I’m still trying to process it.  The attack.  So quick that I never knew what hit me.  Down the front steps, across the front lawn and in my face before I could say milk shake.

Let’s back up a minute.  Baby girl is on week 1 of 4 week summer visitation with her dad.  It has been HARD already.  Last night was my evening with her and I texted the older kid’s dad to see if they could come over.  To see baby girl, have milk shakes and get my oldest ready to go to camp.  Mistake #1 given how contentious, toxic and angry he has been in the past 15 months.  No reply from him.  So industrious me loads up baby girl, picks up shakes and goes to the kids’ house to see them.  Mistake #2.  I shut off my vehicle, step out with an arm full of milk shakes and fury (aka ex #1) explodes out the front door of his residence.  I say his residence because his gf owns the house and he just mooches off her by living there.  Although I was informed last nite that he pays half the mortgage.  To which I responded, “well that’s really stupid”.  Mistake #3.

He exploded.  Went nuclear.  Screaming at me in front of my middle son and my youngest daughter.  Refused to let the other kids come outside.  As I stood in the driveway with an arm full of milk shakes and what could have only been a dumbfounded look on my face.  Screaming about how I don’t communicate with him (I sent a text, no reply), how I FINALLY started paying for the kids (yeah, let’s not even go there), that I was trespassing, that he was going to try to take the kids from me on weekends and on and on and on.  The neighbors now are aware of every grievance he’s had with me over the past year.  And I do mean every one.  And while I gave better than I got it all boiled down to one thing…a disordered, pathological person dumping all their “stuff” on me.  Nothing new there. 

I called the cops on my way home, shaking like a leaf and had them file a report.  They felt talking to him would likely only make it worse on the kids (I found out this morning that gf had been physically blocking my kids from coming outside to see me) and I guess that makes sense.  Except that this keeps escalating and maybe some police intervention, even a good talking to, might knock him down a peg or two.  We have joint custody…these kids are NOT hostages…and his gf becoming involved upsets me even more.  Don’t even get me started on her and her dysfunctions. 

I couldn’t sleep last night.  I just keep replaying it over and over.  I spoke to my therapist after the cops left and we reviewed everything that happened.  He’s been exploding more and more, she reminded me.  Yes, he got in the face of an umpire at my son’s game last week and the night before this altercation had come off the bench at a remark made by an opposing coach.  He’s a very angry person anyway.  Yes, he was asked to stop coaching my son’s football game because of it.  This guy has ISSUES.  Yes, and he takes them all out on me.  She reminded me that he does this – dumping all his problems on me and blaming everyone but himself.  His life is a mess of his own making and I’m finally getting mine together.  She brings me a lot of peace.

This morning I’m still in shock.  That it even happened.  That he was willing to escalate things to that level in front of so many witness’. 

And I fear what he will do if he catches me alone.

He’s Nothing To Write Home About

And I refused to be someone who sacrifices her young to keep a man…

Strongerthanever

This is why I left.  To prevent him from abusing my older children as I was starting to see him do in small ways.  Small ways always lead to bigger ways with abusers.  And I wanted to give my baby girl the best chance at an abuse-free life I possibly could. 

I was let down by the court system.  I see that now and I will no longer blame God.  He is not allowing my daughter to be abused – she is being abused because that’s what abusers do.  The court system should have protected her from the abuser.  We are given free will to do as we please and it pleases him to abuse/neglect her on his weeks with her.

Matthew 18:10

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.”

 

I am doing everything I can to keep her safe.  I”m doing everything I can to make sure that she is surrounded by witnesses and people who can support and love her during this time.  I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN DO.

He Cheated On Me

When I used to think of cheating, I thought of walking in to my bedroom and finding dear hubby being ridden by some skanky hooker.  What I never thought of before, but do now, think of cheating is the dozens of women he flirted with, talked to, called on the phone and ignored me for.  On days when he acted like I wasn’t his wife, when he shared intimate details of our marriage with x-3, when he talked for hours with 2-faced, when he flirted with some nameless waitress right in front of me…that was cheating just as much as if they’d been having sex on my bed in my home.  He shared a part of himself or led me to the conclusion that he had just to hurt me…to watch the pain and rage and shame rip across my heart.

I know in my heart that he didn’t love me, that I was disposable to him and interchangeable with the next brunette who wandered along.  I was the faceless object he used to garner his next “high” and the pain of that haunts my dreams.  The fact that I loved a monster with all my heart for 3 years haunts me even more.

Guilt, Shame and a Girlfriend

“Being taken care of – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Being controlled – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Focusing on making ONLY someone else happy, at the sacrifice of my own happiness – is NOT an option for me. It is a difficult struggle at times – but I choose my freedom over the illusion of security, which would come at too high a cost.”  Growing Strong

I’m struggling with guilt and shame in spades right now.  I keep trying to be angry at dear hubby and I just can’t find it.  But I AM white-hot angry at myself…for not seeing through him, for not listening to my gut in the beginning and for bringing my baby girl in to an unstable relationship.  But things were good at the time we got pregnant and I just keep reminding myself of that.  I really didn’t know what he was or what he was capable of but I had inklings.  Hindsight is truly 20/20.

The shame runs deep as a river and washes through the valley of pain that cuts a swath across my heart.  I am ashamed of being an abused wife, I am ashamed not to be a full-time mom, I am ashamed to be locked out of my house and I am ashamed most of all at the choice I made in a spouse.  I had gotten out of an awful marriage, I was starting to put my life back together and I had my own place/life.  And I give all that up for a man.

On Tuesday dear hubby “slipped” and alluded to the fact that someone is at the house with him.  My daycare gal suspects it to be a female from dear hubby’s reaction when she questioned him on it.  Was the slip intentional?  Did he know she would run right to me and tell me?  I suspected before I ever left him that he was seeing other people.  The sex had dwindled to literally nothing as of last fall and he kept blaming it on ED.  Really?  Sudden ED with no explanation?  I also found in his computer history from time to time that he had been cruising the dating websites.  I took the news of a potential girlfriend well until last night when I had a total breakdown.  Again, the feeling of being thrown away like garbage came rushing in and despair ran like rivers down my face.  How does he explain all of my things that are still in the house to her?  The wedding picture that is still hanging on the wall?  Is she as naive and blind as I was?  Is she good to my baby girl?

The guilt and shame just keep on rolling in.

My Pain Has A Name

It’s name’s “SHAME”.

I feel shame because I didn’t stop his abuse towards me until I’d nearly lost my mind.

I feel shame because I did so many good things for a person who didn’t appreciate them in any way, shape or form.

I feel shame because I was diagnosed with an STD…and I was faithful.

I feel shame because I was forced to live in a safe house for 36 days.

I feel shame because I didn’t want to break my rule to not have children before marriage, and I did it with and for him.

I feel shame because I thought he deserved to get another chance.

I feel shame because I wanted him to change.

I feel shame because I believe his lies.

I feel shame because I underestimated the power of Evil in his soul.

I feel shame because he destroyed every piece of me…piece by piece, step -by -step.

I feel shame because I was not meant to be a part-time mother.

I feel shame because I tried to be everything he wanted me to be while he was none of those same things for me.

I feel shame because I dared to dream about him, about sharing my life with him.

I feel shame because I wanted him to appreciate all the good things in me and see what a great mother I am.

I feel shame because I dreamed about and became the mother of his child who he is now saying I’m unfit to care for.

I feel shame because I ignored a lot of red flags.

I feel shame because my present life is totally paralyzed and I’ve gotten sucked into a “dead end” of fear and anxiety.

I feel shame because people who know me think I am weak or stupid or it is all my fault that I became a victim.

I feel shame because there’s nothing I could or can do to make him be in love with me.

I feel shame because I don’t know what’s next.

I feel shame because my wounds are invisible. No one can see I am a victim. I have no bruises or bumps on my body.  They all cover my soul.

I feel shame because I feel I will never be able to fall in love again.

I feel shame because my ex N. was the ONLY man in my life who wanted to date, have sex with and show me I am important. Now I know all his words were only lies. If he was the only man interested in me, does it mean I am sentenced to be alone?

I feel shame because I am 36 years old, I am living in a crummy apartment, broke, with debt and four kids 50% of the time.

I feel shame because I have no daydreams. He was my only daydream in this life…my soulmate.  Once I dared to dream and it turned against me in the worst way imaginable.

I feel shame because I don’t know who I am. I only know who he wanted me to be.

We Get Some Stuff

I got a call from the attorney’s office today that we get to pick up our clothing on Sunday at noon.  I’m assuming this means that dear hubby (gag, gag) will be moved out by then.  This has nothing to do with furniture or beds or kitchen items.  How do I put together an apartment on my budget with no stuff?

I’m trying so hard not to panic.  The anxiety is so overwhelming that I feel as if I’m drowning.  Where is the meaning in all of this?  Is there any meaning in any of this?

I try hard to find a lesson in it all…to see what God is trying to teach me.  At this stage that only thing I am coming up with is, “don’t share your heart and trust no one”. 

What a sad lesson and a hard way to learn it.