A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Posts tagged ‘anger’

Altercation

I’m still trying to process it.  The attack.  So quick that I never knew what hit me.  Down the front steps, across the front lawn and in my face before I could say milk shake.

Let’s back up a minute.  Baby girl is on week 1 of 4 week summer visitation with her dad.  It has been HARD already.  Last night was my evening with her and I texted the older kid’s dad to see if they could come over.  To see baby girl, have milk shakes and get my oldest ready to go to camp.  Mistake #1 given how contentious, toxic and angry he has been in the past 15 months.  No reply from him.  So industrious me loads up baby girl, picks up shakes and goes to the kids’ house to see them.  Mistake #2.  I shut off my vehicle, step out with an arm full of milk shakes and fury (aka ex #1) explodes out the front door of his residence.  I say his residence because his gf owns the house and he just mooches off her by living there.  Although I was informed last nite that he pays half the mortgage.  To which I responded, “well that’s really stupid”.  Mistake #3.

He exploded.  Went nuclear.  Screaming at me in front of my middle son and my youngest daughter.  Refused to let the other kids come outside.  As I stood in the driveway with an arm full of milk shakes and what could have only been a dumbfounded look on my face.  Screaming about how I don’t communicate with him (I sent a text, no reply), how I FINALLY started paying for the kids (yeah, let’s not even go there), that I was trespassing, that he was going to try to take the kids from me on weekends and on and on and on.  The neighbors now are aware of every grievance he’s had with me over the past year.  And I do mean every one.  And while I gave better than I got it all boiled down to one thing…a disordered, pathological person dumping all their “stuff” on me.  Nothing new there. 

I called the cops on my way home, shaking like a leaf and had them file a report.  They felt talking to him would likely only make it worse on the kids (I found out this morning that gf had been physically blocking my kids from coming outside to see me) and I guess that makes sense.  Except that this keeps escalating and maybe some police intervention, even a good talking to, might knock him down a peg or two.  We have joint custody…these kids are NOT hostages…and his gf becoming involved upsets me even more.  Don’t even get me started on her and her dysfunctions. 

I couldn’t sleep last night.  I just keep replaying it over and over.  I spoke to my therapist after the cops left and we reviewed everything that happened.  He’s been exploding more and more, she reminded me.  Yes, he got in the face of an umpire at my son’s game last week and the night before this altercation had come off the bench at a remark made by an opposing coach.  He’s a very angry person anyway.  Yes, he was asked to stop coaching my son’s football game because of it.  This guy has ISSUES.  Yes, and he takes them all out on me.  She reminded me that he does this – dumping all his problems on me and blaming everyone but himself.  His life is a mess of his own making and I’m finally getting mine together.  She brings me a lot of peace.

This morning I’m still in shock.  That it even happened.  That he was willing to escalate things to that level in front of so many witness’. 

And I fear what he will do if he catches me alone.

Fade to Black

This is the painful part.  Not that any of the rest of it has been sunshine and roses at any point but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  Give up the ghost.  Accept it is over.  Watch my dream fade to black.

There are things going on all around me that yank the wound wide open every day.  Friends buying homes.  Hearing about their shopping trips for new furniture.  Talk of vacations, new campers and the places they will visit.  Things I cannot do in my situation. 

He showed up last night with HER.  She rode along with him in HER vehicle…to bring my baby girl home from the weekend visit.  They will get to have her for an entire month soon.  Yet another slap to the face.  I sit in poverty while both ex’s have girlfriends, take trips, live in homes they own, not pay/underpay child support and go about their little lives.

I’ve been left to clean up the mess.  Pay everyone’s bills plus my own.  Scrape by.  Deal with the kids’ behavior as a result of the emotional abuse they endure at their fathers’.  I’m so lonely and depressed and angry.  I’m left to face me and the wake of destruction I’m left to heal after 37 years of abuse.  First my mother.  Then two husbands.  Multiple bosses.  Several boyfriends.  Codependent much??

I don’t know if my dream is fading or if I am. 

Escapism

 

“The only way to permanently break the cycle of escapism is to develop a positive perception of reality.  If you associate reality with pain, you will constantly desire to escape.  It’s essential to find happiness in reality that outweighs the suffering caused by its problems.  Find the things in life that give you true joy rather than temporary pleasure.  These are the actions that will build up your belief in a positive reality.  Changing your attitude towards reality is easier said than done.  When you’re accustomed to the cycle of pain and escape, reality feels hopeless.  The truth is that reality is neither bad or good, but an equal mix of the two.  Your attitude is a reflection of the parts that you choose to focus on.  By fixing your attention on sources of hope and joy, you can create positive beliefs and reduce the desire to escape.

 

Another mistake people make is waiting for the future.  Do you have a picture of the “ideal life” you’d like to live?  Is there an “ideal you” that you want to become?  Most people live based on the past, waiting for a revelation to make them who they want to be.  It doesn’t work this way.  Your actions in the present determine the future.  The only way to create the future you want is to start living it right now.  Once you start living according to the future you want to create, it’s easy to spot the behaviors that detract from it.  When you realize that giving up bad habits is a necessary and inevitable part of creating the life you desire, addiction begins to lose it’s power over you.  Temporary pleasure and escape doesn’t have the same appeal.  The more progress you make towards your ideal future, the weaker the desire to escape from reality.  Just like the cycle of escapism, the pattern is self-reinforcing.  Over time, you are able to delight in habits that are congruent with your vision — that strengthen a positive reality instead of numbing pain.  Eventually there is no need or desire to rely on addictions for relief and pleasure can be enjoyed for its own sake.”  Pickthebrain.com

I am deep in the cycle of escapism.  I equate my reality with nothing but pain.  Pain at losing the life I knew and the dream I had deep in my heart.  Pain at losing half of my baby girl’s life to my abuser.  Pain at having to start over AGAIN for what feels like the umpteenth time.  Pain at having to figure out who I really am because I don’t know myself at all although I’ve seen glimpses.  I am operating from a state of learned helplessness – why bother to try again when it will turn out exactly the same as before. 

I’d rather pretend that things aren’t what they are right now.  That I wasn’t caught in the middle of a domestic abuse situation.  I don’t want to deal with my problems let alone all of the problems of my kids’ behaviors as a result of the abuse.  This shit is hard and it’s scary and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going.  I feel overwhelmed every time I start to tackle this mess that is my life.  I just want to sit down in the middle of the road and cry.

I need to develop a positive perception of reality – a reason to get out of bed each morning.  I need to stop wallowing in what has happened to me…the things I had no control over.  I instead need to focus on me and the kids to help us all get through this time in our lives.  We need to find the happiness in our new reality and focus on the things that give us true joy.  How do I do that?  How do I create present that is so good that it overshadows all the shit that happens?  How do I begin to feel in control of my own life when many of the decisions concerning my life are made for me? 

I need to find my reason to hope again so that I won’t feel the overwhelming urge to escape.  I can’t remain tied to the past and expect to make things better for our future.  I have to believe in myself and my ability to overcome this situation.

What I Know

Divorcing my first husband was the third-best decision I’ve ever made.

Divorcing my second husband is the second-best decision I have ever made.

Deciding to have my children was the best decision I have ever made.

I got stabbed in the back today.  What I came to realize, after nearly wrecking my truck and finally calming down, is that I needed it as a wake-up call.  A wake up call not to share information with anyone.  A wake up call to just how disordered both my ex and my abuser are.  A wake up call that those two are never going to change and that they truly have no feeling for me but hate.

What else do I know?  I know that I am strong and capable and willing to work on me so that I don’t ever end up in this position again.  I know that God is watching out for me every step of the way even when I don’t realize it.  I know that these two are so weak alone that they feel they must team up to attack me.  I know that my children are wonderful and that they make each day worth fighting for.

You know, it’s almost laughable to think of my two ex’s hunched over their phones, trying to come up with ways to get back at me.  Almost.

Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  God

I am trying.  I am trying so, so, so hard to remain faithful and in prayer during this time of testing.  The Bible says, “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” 

I feel hopeless.  There, I said it.  I feel like this nightmare will never end, and if by chance it does, it will not be a fairytale ending by any stretch of the imagination.  I am despairing and writhing and crying out to God and feeling so alone.  No one understands what I am going through except God. 

Has he forgotten about me and my children in the middle of nowhere?

He Cheated On Me

When I used to think of cheating, I thought of walking in to my bedroom and finding dear hubby being ridden by some skanky hooker.  What I never thought of before, but do now, think of cheating is the dozens of women he flirted with, talked to, called on the phone and ignored me for.  On days when he acted like I wasn’t his wife, when he shared intimate details of our marriage with x-3, when he talked for hours with 2-faced, when he flirted with some nameless waitress right in front of me…that was cheating just as much as if they’d been having sex on my bed in my home.  He shared a part of himself or led me to the conclusion that he had just to hurt me…to watch the pain and rage and shame rip across my heart.

I know in my heart that he didn’t love me, that I was disposable to him and interchangeable with the next brunette who wandered along.  I was the faceless object he used to garner his next “high” and the pain of that haunts my dreams.  The fact that I loved a monster with all my heart for 3 years haunts me even more.

Guilt, Shame and a Girlfriend

“Being taken care of – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Being controlled – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Focusing on making ONLY someone else happy, at the sacrifice of my own happiness – is NOT an option for me. It is a difficult struggle at times – but I choose my freedom over the illusion of security, which would come at too high a cost.”  Growing Strong

I’m struggling with guilt and shame in spades right now.  I keep trying to be angry at dear hubby and I just can’t find it.  But I AM white-hot angry at myself…for not seeing through him, for not listening to my gut in the beginning and for bringing my baby girl in to an unstable relationship.  But things were good at the time we got pregnant and I just keep reminding myself of that.  I really didn’t know what he was or what he was capable of but I had inklings.  Hindsight is truly 20/20.

The shame runs deep as a river and washes through the valley of pain that cuts a swath across my heart.  I am ashamed of being an abused wife, I am ashamed not to be a full-time mom, I am ashamed to be locked out of my house and I am ashamed most of all at the choice I made in a spouse.  I had gotten out of an awful marriage, I was starting to put my life back together and I had my own place/life.  And I give all that up for a man.

On Tuesday dear hubby “slipped” and alluded to the fact that someone is at the house with him.  My daycare gal suspects it to be a female from dear hubby’s reaction when she questioned him on it.  Was the slip intentional?  Did he know she would run right to me and tell me?  I suspected before I ever left him that he was seeing other people.  The sex had dwindled to literally nothing as of last fall and he kept blaming it on ED.  Really?  Sudden ED with no explanation?  I also found in his computer history from time to time that he had been cruising the dating websites.  I took the news of a potential girlfriend well until last night when I had a total breakdown.  Again, the feeling of being thrown away like garbage came rushing in and despair ran like rivers down my face.  How does he explain all of my things that are still in the house to her?  The wedding picture that is still hanging on the wall?  Is she as naive and blind as I was?  Is she good to my baby girl?

The guilt and shame just keep on rolling in.