Due to an unhealthy level of anxiety, I am now on medication twice daily to deal with the endless train track in my mind. It is constantly on the go and contributes to my frequent bouts of insomnia. This morning on my way to work was no exception on the coo-coo express; my mind was a-whirling, replaying events from the last couple of days.
Since the last couple of blow-ups from dear hubby I have completely distanced myself from him. No touching, little talking and I try not to be in the same room alone with him. It hurts too much, all the nasty things he has said and done to me, and the 3 years I have wasted on this relationship burn with shame. I feel like shutting down is my last vestige of protection until I can get my kids and myself out of this nightmare.
Last night while talking to dear hubby (who was facebooking) I happened to glance up to say something and saw he had friended a friend of mine from my single days. I knew this because I saw my comment from earlier that day to said friend and remembered his post. Now some people may think nothing of it…however, dear hubby has never, ever, never did I say never met this person. I have never spoken of this person to dear hubby for good reason – he’s a friend, lives in Canada and that’s that.
Now put these pieces together and you have me, almost having an accident on my way to work this morning, realizing that dear hubby will NEVER get it. He has attributed my distance to the fact that I’m having an affair – not to his own shit behaviour. And I finally see that there is no hope in this relationship…especially with a partner who is never responsible for ANYTHING.
I’ve traveled my very own revelation road.