A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Archive for the ‘My Abuser’ Category

Cheater, Cheater, Biscuit Eater

In the midst of all the chaos this week I happened upon a bit of info that confirmed, soothed and crushed all at the same time. 

My abuser is cheating on his live-in girlfriend.

Now I don’t know how long he’s been “with”  woman #1 (the live-in) or what lies he told her to get her there but I saw her at his house starting last summer when I picked up some of my belongings, thru the fall when I picked up more belongings (she stood outside for this one) and now we are back to summer again so they’ve been “acquainted” approximately a year.  She moved in with him, according to unsolicited eye-witness reports, 3 weeks ago.  He also proudly drives her vehicle (with her along for the ride, of course) to my home to pick-up and drop-off baby girl for the past 3 weeks.

Enter woman #2.  The woman I suspected he was cheating on me with starting approximately two years ago when baby girl was just an infant.  Strange phone calls showing up on our cell phone bill.  Mysterious late nights at work (she worked in the office).  Suddenly working tons of weekend overtime without corresponding increased paychecks.  It was shortly after this behavior started that I stopped having “relations” with him.  I’m thankful for my intuition because a month or so later he reeked “down there”…that was a God thing. 

Anywho, woman #2 has been in the picture longer than live-in gf and it was woman #2 who showed up with my abuser this past week to pick up baby girl.  They looked cozy in his truck.  Comfy together.  Like boyfriend and girlfriend.  But he’s living with #1.  Baby girl talks about #2 ALL THE TIME…calls her by name…even asks me to see her.  But I’ve never heard a name for woman #1 and have no idea who she is as I was assigning woman #2’s name to woman #1 since baby girl talked about her all the time.  Confused yet?  Me too.

Woman #1 drives a vehicle that looks just like the one I had when I met my abuser.  She dresses similarly but is not real savvy based on a couple of exposures I’ve had to her.  Not real savvy works reeeeal well for my abuser.  The more naive’ they are the longer it takes them to figure him out (took me 3 years, wife 1 approximately 8 years and wife 2 12+ years – she is still his “friend”).  He is just that covert and that good at the con. 

It is surreal to watch them pull up to my home…gives me a sense of deja’ vu.  Like watching myself 4 years ago when I first met him.  And watching him run this ruse on these two women just takes me right back to all the doubts I had about him when we were together.  My gut feeling that something was wrong…that his stories weren’t adding up…and my intuition was right.  It was so right that it’s scary.

So I feel confirmed by the fact that he cannot be faithful.  C.A.N.N.O.T.  I feel soothed yet again that IT’S NOT ME!  While I certainly have my issues and I needed defined boundaries soooooo badly throughout my life but didn’t know it – I am not a serial cheater/wife abuser/child abuser/total douche canoe/asshole. 

However, I have a twinge of pain (that crushing feeling) when he pulls up at my home with the “her of the moment” because I was replaced so easily.  So quickly.  Like a malfunctioning toaster he threw me away and got a shiny new model.  I loved this man.  I gave him everything and it very nearly cost me my life and my daughter.  But that’s the old me talking…and karma is a far meaner bitch than I.  The new me would like to remind these women of an old saying. 

If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you.

The Truth

“sometimes you don’t need to defend truth..it stands all on its own for everyone to see ” lola

 

What I Know

Divorcing my first husband was the third-best decision I’ve ever made.

Divorcing my second husband is the second-best decision I have ever made.

Deciding to have my children was the best decision I have ever made.

I got stabbed in the back today.  What I came to realize, after nearly wrecking my truck and finally calming down, is that I needed it as a wake-up call.  A wake up call not to share information with anyone.  A wake up call to just how disordered both my ex and my abuser are.  A wake up call that those two are never going to change and that they truly have no feeling for me but hate.

What else do I know?  I know that I am strong and capable and willing to work on me so that I don’t ever end up in this position again.  I know that God is watching out for me every step of the way even when I don’t realize it.  I know that these two are so weak alone that they feel they must team up to attack me.  I know that my children are wonderful and that they make each day worth fighting for.

You know, it’s almost laughable to think of my two ex’s hunched over their phones, trying to come up with ways to get back at me.  Almost.

He Cheated On Me

When I used to think of cheating, I thought of walking in to my bedroom and finding dear hubby being ridden by some skanky hooker.  What I never thought of before, but do now, think of cheating is the dozens of women he flirted with, talked to, called on the phone and ignored me for.  On days when he acted like I wasn’t his wife, when he shared intimate details of our marriage with x-3, when he talked for hours with 2-faced, when he flirted with some nameless waitress right in front of me…that was cheating just as much as if they’d been having sex on my bed in my home.  He shared a part of himself or led me to the conclusion that he had just to hurt me…to watch the pain and rage and shame rip across my heart.

I know in my heart that he didn’t love me, that I was disposable to him and interchangeable with the next brunette who wandered along.  I was the faceless object he used to garner his next “high” and the pain of that haunts my dreams.  The fact that I loved a monster with all my heart for 3 years haunts me even more.

Guilt, Shame and a Girlfriend

“Being taken care of – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Being controlled – without being loved – is NOT an option for me. Focusing on making ONLY someone else happy, at the sacrifice of my own happiness – is NOT an option for me. It is a difficult struggle at times – but I choose my freedom over the illusion of security, which would come at too high a cost.”  Growing Strong

I’m struggling with guilt and shame in spades right now.  I keep trying to be angry at dear hubby and I just can’t find it.  But I AM white-hot angry at myself…for not seeing through him, for not listening to my gut in the beginning and for bringing my baby girl in to an unstable relationship.  But things were good at the time we got pregnant and I just keep reminding myself of that.  I really didn’t know what he was or what he was capable of but I had inklings.  Hindsight is truly 20/20.

The shame runs deep as a river and washes through the valley of pain that cuts a swath across my heart.  I am ashamed of being an abused wife, I am ashamed not to be a full-time mom, I am ashamed to be locked out of my house and I am ashamed most of all at the choice I made in a spouse.  I had gotten out of an awful marriage, I was starting to put my life back together and I had my own place/life.  And I give all that up for a man.

On Tuesday dear hubby “slipped” and alluded to the fact that someone is at the house with him.  My daycare gal suspects it to be a female from dear hubby’s reaction when she questioned him on it.  Was the slip intentional?  Did he know she would run right to me and tell me?  I suspected before I ever left him that he was seeing other people.  The sex had dwindled to literally nothing as of last fall and he kept blaming it on ED.  Really?  Sudden ED with no explanation?  I also found in his computer history from time to time that he had been cruising the dating websites.  I took the news of a potential girlfriend well until last night when I had a total breakdown.  Again, the feeling of being thrown away like garbage came rushing in and despair ran like rivers down my face.  How does he explain all of my things that are still in the house to her?  The wedding picture that is still hanging on the wall?  Is she as naive and blind as I was?  Is she good to my baby girl?

The guilt and shame just keep on rolling in.

My Pain Has A Name

It’s name’s “SHAME”.

I feel shame because I didn’t stop his abuse towards me until I’d nearly lost my mind.

I feel shame because I did so many good things for a person who didn’t appreciate them in any way, shape or form.

I feel shame because I was diagnosed with an STD…and I was faithful.

I feel shame because I was forced to live in a safe house for 36 days.

I feel shame because I didn’t want to break my rule to not have children before marriage, and I did it with and for him.

I feel shame because I thought he deserved to get another chance.

I feel shame because I wanted him to change.

I feel shame because I believe his lies.

I feel shame because I underestimated the power of Evil in his soul.

I feel shame because he destroyed every piece of me…piece by piece, step -by -step.

I feel shame because I was not meant to be a part-time mother.

I feel shame because I tried to be everything he wanted me to be while he was none of those same things for me.

I feel shame because I dared to dream about him, about sharing my life with him.

I feel shame because I wanted him to appreciate all the good things in me and see what a great mother I am.

I feel shame because I dreamed about and became the mother of his child who he is now saying I’m unfit to care for.

I feel shame because I ignored a lot of red flags.

I feel shame because my present life is totally paralyzed and I’ve gotten sucked into a “dead end” of fear and anxiety.

I feel shame because people who know me think I am weak or stupid or it is all my fault that I became a victim.

I feel shame because there’s nothing I could or can do to make him be in love with me.

I feel shame because I don’t know what’s next.

I feel shame because my wounds are invisible. No one can see I am a victim. I have no bruises or bumps on my body.  They all cover my soul.

I feel shame because I feel I will never be able to fall in love again.

I feel shame because my ex N. was the ONLY man in my life who wanted to date, have sex with and show me I am important. Now I know all his words were only lies. If he was the only man interested in me, does it mean I am sentenced to be alone?

I feel shame because I am 36 years old, I am living in a crummy apartment, broke, with debt and four kids 50% of the time.

I feel shame because I have no daydreams. He was my only daydream in this life…my soulmate.  Once I dared to dream and it turned against me in the worst way imaginable.

I feel shame because I don’t know who I am. I only know who he wanted me to be.

He Ripped My Heart Out

The title says it all…I am a walking human shell at the moment.  My heart was torn out by a man whom I had promised everything to and got nothing in return.  He took all that was good and pure and moral between us and screwed it in to a dirty gray ball of filth, lies and deception.  Our 2nd wedding anniversary is fast approaching and it makes me yearn for the man he could have been…the potential I fell in love with.

Instead, I am left with a hole in my chest the size of the Grand Canyon and a beautiful girl I only get to see for an hour a day for half the month.

I don’t know if I will survive this.