A Mom, Wife, Sister, Daughter & Woman…Overcoming Domestic Abuse With God

Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Every Day I’m Shuffling

“Life is Difficult” ~ M. Scott Peck

Peck knows what he is talking about.  Life is so freaking difficult sometimes that I just meltdown in sobs.  I’m not a sobber…or I wasn’t until I left asshat ex2.  (Oh I’m sorry, the incredibly pathological personality disordered man, er boy, who was my second husband.  He’s still an asshat though.)  I can’t seem to get my life rolling in any solid direction.  Just when I feel like I have a handle on shit then it all goes to shit…in a handbasket.  I feel like hell.

Did I tell you that I got accosted (is that a word?) at the grocery store last week?  Yeah, in the midst of my week from hell I cut some woman off from her lettuce.  Seriously…she said, “you cut me off from my lettuce”.  I just stared at her…then she said, “I would never have cut you off from your cucumbers”.  That’s where I was standing when this conversation went down.  I felt like I was on punk’d and kept waiting for Ashton to jump out.  Didn’t happen.  Again.  I finally said, “excuse me?”…she repeated it all again (blah, blah, lettuce…blah, blah, cucumbers) and I walked away shaking my head.  She looked mentally ill but even so I will mark that down on my list of shit not to ever do again…cut someone off from their lettuce.

I’ve listed some more of my stuff to sell.  Not willingly.  The aforementioned asshat still isn’t paying child support and I’ve got some big bills looming in the next 2 weeks so I’m gonna thin the herd.  We may end up sitting on lawn chairs to eat.  I had to do this a month ago because I couldn’t pay my rent.  This month its my vehicle payment, new tires, glasses for myself and license plate renewal which is 2 months overdue.  I just kept thinking that money would show up from somewhere (hello?  IRS?) but magical thinking has never worked for me.  It would be nice to get some mail that didn’t include multi-figure amounts and due-by dates.

I want my life to change.  I want a new job – one without verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and enough disordered people to fill a mental ward.  I want a peaceful life – one that doesn’t include psycho ex’s screaming at me on the front lawn.  I want money to be able to pay my bills and take my kids to the movies once in a while.  Not the expensive theatre…the $2.50/kid theatre.  I want to be able to eat out once in a while when I’m too tired to cook and not have to worry about which bill I won’t be able to pay.  I want my ex’s to start paying the bills that they were court-ordered to pay and stop mooching off me. 

I’ve read that I need to be the change I want to see. 

Please tell me how to do that.

 

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Right Back to Hell

Today has been a really sad day.  I feel like I’ve lost 6 months of healing in just one week.  Wednesday was the verbal attack by ex1.  Friday was verbal abuse via email from ex2.  Saturday my washing machine died.  Sunday I realized as I sent baby girl out the door with ex2 that I would only get to see her 5 hours in the next 3 weeks (which leaves him 499 hours in which to abuse her).  Today I found out that the repair bill for the washer will be almost triple what I paid for the damn machine.  *sigh*  *super sigh*  *tears*

I feel like I’ve died and gone right back to hell.  AS IF the last year wasn’t a hell-fire and damnation story of epic proportions…now I get to do it all over again THIS year.  Great…can’t wait…please note sarcasm.

Why am I on this earth?  Why was I born in to a horrifically abusive family who made me the scapegoat?  Why didn’t anyone ever intervene?  Why didn’t any of my extended family ever love me?  Why did God help me to escape only to put me thru 11 months of hell to regain some of what I lost?  Why do I have to struggle every single day to provide for my children what most people take for granted…a safe home, a warm meal and a family who loves them. 

Why do I keep going?  What is the point?  Where is all this leading?

Finances are my biggest stumbling block.  Abuse I can handle.  I’ve been abused my entire life so I know how to deal with that.  But although court-ordered to do so, ex2 refuses to pay child support, daycare or medical expenses at all.  ex1 pays but when he feels like it and he underreports his income to keep his payments as low as possible.  What I’m left with is never having enough money to keep food on the table and my bills paid each month.  And their bills…I’m still having to pay for their bills too.  I’m always “borrowing” from next month’s paycheck to pay this month’s bills and its a scary place to be.  I have no savings.  My vehicle needs a ton of repairs AND new tires.  I never know when I will get child support.  My boss has been steering new clients towards my supervisor instead of to me…I’m even being abused in the workplace.  *sigh*   

I want to quit.  I want to lay down and die in the middle of the road.  I see no point in my life.  Nothing ever changes…15 months out and just the same shit/different day every single week. 

It was a joke to think I deserved better.

Altercation

I’m still trying to process it.  The attack.  So quick that I never knew what hit me.  Down the front steps, across the front lawn and in my face before I could say milk shake.

Let’s back up a minute.  Baby girl is on week 1 of 4 week summer visitation with her dad.  It has been HARD already.  Last night was my evening with her and I texted the older kid’s dad to see if they could come over.  To see baby girl, have milk shakes and get my oldest ready to go to camp.  Mistake #1 given how contentious, toxic and angry he has been in the past 15 months.  No reply from him.  So industrious me loads up baby girl, picks up shakes and goes to the kids’ house to see them.  Mistake #2.  I shut off my vehicle, step out with an arm full of milk shakes and fury (aka ex #1) explodes out the front door of his residence.  I say his residence because his gf owns the house and he just mooches off her by living there.  Although I was informed last nite that he pays half the mortgage.  To which I responded, “well that’s really stupid”.  Mistake #3.

He exploded.  Went nuclear.  Screaming at me in front of my middle son and my youngest daughter.  Refused to let the other kids come outside.  As I stood in the driveway with an arm full of milk shakes and what could have only been a dumbfounded look on my face.  Screaming about how I don’t communicate with him (I sent a text, no reply), how I FINALLY started paying for the kids (yeah, let’s not even go there), that I was trespassing, that he was going to try to take the kids from me on weekends and on and on and on.  The neighbors now are aware of every grievance he’s had with me over the past year.  And I do mean every one.  And while I gave better than I got it all boiled down to one thing…a disordered, pathological person dumping all their “stuff” on me.  Nothing new there. 

I called the cops on my way home, shaking like a leaf and had them file a report.  They felt talking to him would likely only make it worse on the kids (I found out this morning that gf had been physically blocking my kids from coming outside to see me) and I guess that makes sense.  Except that this keeps escalating and maybe some police intervention, even a good talking to, might knock him down a peg or two.  We have joint custody…these kids are NOT hostages…and his gf becoming involved upsets me even more.  Don’t even get me started on her and her dysfunctions. 

I couldn’t sleep last night.  I just keep replaying it over and over.  I spoke to my therapist after the cops left and we reviewed everything that happened.  He’s been exploding more and more, she reminded me.  Yes, he got in the face of an umpire at my son’s game last week and the night before this altercation had come off the bench at a remark made by an opposing coach.  He’s a very angry person anyway.  Yes, he was asked to stop coaching my son’s football game because of it.  This guy has ISSUES.  Yes, and he takes them all out on me.  She reminded me that he does this – dumping all his problems on me and blaming everyone but himself.  His life is a mess of his own making and I’m finally getting mine together.  She brings me a lot of peace.

This morning I’m still in shock.  That it even happened.  That he was willing to escalate things to that level in front of so many witness’. 

And I fear what he will do if he catches me alone.

It’s a War

I read a lot.  A LOT.  I read about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).  I read about sociopaths and pathology in general.  I read self-help books on (among others) spirituality, self-esteem, faith and moving forward.  I don’t feel comfortable with any situation until I’ve researched the hell out of it.  Its a blessing and a curse.  Anywho, while reading information on NPD yesteray I came across something that made me stop and think.  It was referring to victim recovery and having to deal with the disordered one in the aftermath (especially with co-parenting) and it said, “NPD is a lifelong war”.  Truer words have never been spoken. 

I have 2 disordered ex’s…one with NPD and one who is a sociopath.  I didn’t know what the first one had diagnosis-wise until I was married to the second one.  Talk about a bait and switch.  The battle for my children’s lives/mental health is a war I fight daily.  I watched my pre-teen son cry through half of a sporting event last night because his NPD father had been mindfucking him the entire day.  This is a kid who NEVER cries.  He couldn’t even really express in words what he was feeling.  THIS is what these monsters do to children…destruction on a mental, emotional and psychological level.  I pray for my children multiple times a day – that they will be protected from lifelong, permanent damage.  That I will be able to mother them enough to counteract the damage they receive during custodial visits.  That God will give me the strength to keep doing this for the next 20 years.  Or even better…inspire the disordered ones to abandon the kids and I as so many of them end up doing.

I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind and bush and yell, “you’ve been punk’d” and give me a normal, happy life.

Headed Back to Court

Tomorrow marks the umpteenth time we are going to court.  This time is in regard to my property that he still has – 5th time is the charm.  Right?  We are asking for credit rather than stuff this time.  I’ve decided to let it all go.  None of it is of consequence and will only serve as a reminder of my life with him.  The lie I had with him.  I hate going to court.  This judge likes to yell and really get after people.  I didn’t do anything wrong and I know that but my old “programming” sneaks up on me…making me feel responsible for things I have no control over.  Say some prayers, would ya!

The other night I was laying in bed listening to music and letting my mind wander.  Suddenly I had a thought hit me…my “dream” of being with him/my life with him was, for all intents and purposes, selling my soul to the devil.  I don’t need ANY dream that badly.  And with that, my dream has been shattered.  Left lying on the floor.  A bygone.  And I’m left feeling relieved – like the weight of the world is off me.  I don’t need a dream that forces me to totally neglect myself, allow my life to fall by the wayside and care only for the needs of one overgrown man.  I know better now so I can DO better now.

My life at work still sucks big time.  But the result of not letting others dump their emotional shit on me all day has me feeling so much clearer mentally.  Its really amazing.  My energy levels are still not great because of all the effort it takes to maintain boundaries with the nuts.  But I’m doing it and praying hard that guidance will be given to me for a new job.  I’m open and willing and ready.

Welcome to my recovery!

Blessings

I find myself on a rollercoaster of emotion.  I never know from day to day what my emotions, reactions, physical health or anything else will be.  I have headaches like never before.  I get triggered by things that I wouldn’t expect to bother me.  The PTSD leaves me sleepless or overtired or fighting nightmares and waking up in a pool of sweat.  I keep reminding myself that this is a journey…a process…an onion to be peeled back one layer at a time.  Even that is frustrating to me when I just WANT IT ALL TO GO AWAY!  But in the meantime I am working on being more grateful…for the big things, the little things and the acts of God that leave me so humbled.

My daughter had to have yet another medical procedure in March.  I knew it was going to be expensive but even AFTER insurance the bill was $2,400.  Then I remembered that my medical reimbursement account provided by my employer hadn’t kicked in yet.  I got notified yesterday that they are paying all but $960 of it.  Awesome! 

This morning my attorney called to tell me that the ex wants his back due child support forgiven (+ or – $2,600) and he’s willing to forgive the judgement ($2,600) against me if I do.  My attorney has already set up a hearing on the judgement for next week to get it reduced based on the fact that he is withholding my property to the tune of $1,900.  This is all just a game to him.  It makes me really angry.  He hasn’t paid daycare since March, child support since April and he hasn’t paid any medical bills for our daughter since I left him in early 2011.  However, I am so blessed to have an attorney who is willing to take payments and just keep grinding away at this.  I have sole custody thanks to this attorney (and God, of course) and that has been my greatest blessing out of this nightmare.

My final blessing of the day is that my older kids are home from vacation with their dad and I will see them all tonite!  My baby girl can’t wait to see them – she has asked about them every day this week.  Our house seems strangely empty without all their busy-ness!

It’s Friday (another blessing!) and I’m looking forward to the weekend!!

Dreams

And when we stare at uncertainty, typically fear comes up. We just don’t know what’s going to happen. Good stuff maybe? Or bad stuff? A lot of folks tend to think that only bad stuff is going to happen in the unknown, so they stay in their comfort zone.”  Mastin Kipp

Not bad dreams (aka nightmares) but dreams of the future have been on my mind lately.  I’ve been reading that where you focus your thoughts is what manifests in your life.  I have seen this in action so I’m attempting to really focus on my future…a home, a job, hobbies, (potentially) a man and a life free from abuse. 

I’m doing a good job with the home.  A craftsman bungalow on a quiet street with a wooded area behind it.  A nice open front porch perfect for adirondack chairs and visits with neighbors.  Built-in cabinets throughout the house, a charming eat-in kitchen and room for everyone.  In my dream the house is always white but I think I would paint it a buttery yellow with white trim.  Flowers everywhere.  White picket fence in the front with privacy fence in the back.  Swingset.  Above ground pool.  Smallish dog.

Hobbies include reading, gardening, painting ceramics, interior design, running, refurbishing furniture, going to garage sales/auctions and dancing.

A man…lol…I’m not sure what to dream of here but God has told me “He is coming”.  I’ve never had a mutual, loving relationship.  In my previous relationships, there has always been an imbalance of power, verbal/emotional/psychological abuse and constantly finding myself giving 99% while the other party gives 1%.  I have a lot of things I would like to have with someone new – good communication, sense of humor, respect, trustworthiness, intelligence, kindness, thoughtfulness, open, passionate, romantic (even just some effort) and honesty.  LOTS and LOTS of honesty.  When I let my mind drift I really don’t see anything physical except dark hair.

My job I am struggling to “see”.  I am really unhappy with where I am currently but I don’t know if its solely the environment or a combination of the work and the people I work with.  I’d walk away today from my current employer if I had no financial obstacles.  Otherwise, I don’t know what else to do with my life.  I’d like to go back to school but at this point finances are preventing me from making that a reality as well.  Although unemployment is very low in my state, I cannot find a job in the same field that has both the pay and the benefits of my current employer.  I feel stuck here and like a big brick wall is in my face.

According to Mastin, “wherever you ARE is PERFECT.  You have been GUIDED there.  And wherever you think you need to be is an illusion.  The present moment, where you are, what you are doing is PERFECT and MIRACULOUS”.  So here I shall remain.  With my dreams.  Trying to see the miraculous.