My weekend was a miserable one. The disordered ones would be so happy! Too much togetherness, too much wind/humidity/allergens and too much time to think left me prickly as a pear. No, a grizzly awakened far too soon from hibernation would be more fitting. I was angry. White hot raging. Vicious reactions to nothing. Well, maybe not nothing.
I was angry about having to spend another holiday alone. The kids were there, of course. But I spent the entire time cooking, cleaning, wiping sticky spots off the floors and listening to them fight. Wiping glass marker off of permeable bedroom walls. Whining. Bickering. No adult conversation. No one to help with dishes except surly teenagers. No one to appreciate everything I did. No one to wrap their arm around me at the end of the day.
I am angry at being left holding the bag for it all. This life of mine. All the bills. All the issues. All the burden. No relief in sight. No end to the pain. No one to help in any capacity (except surly teenagers, of course). I’m tired. I don’t feel good. I rarely have energy for anything. I have no zest for life. I think I’m depressed. I am angry because I have to make decisions and live with them while the disordered ones run off without a backward glance from their decisions. Why am I the only one with consequences?
I am angry that my abusive, damaging, train wreck of an ex is allowed to have my bright, bubbly, beautiful baby girl for 30 days, unsupervised. It makes me so white-hot rageful that I can’t even think coherent thoughts. I get hives every time I contemplate the hell she will be facing in a couple of weeks. It burns me to the core that this has to be “ok”. Its not ok…it won’t be ok. No matter how enlightened I become this won’t ever be ok.
I am angry because I’m lonely. I miss having someone there with me…someone to come home to after work. I want to NOT need anyone. I want to just be by myself…doing my own things…free of the encumbrances of social living. But my heart yearns for others. Someone to love me. It feels like another betrayal, this heart of mine.
Damn heart of mine.