“When you finally decide to fight for yourself and leave the prison of your fears, habits, and beliefs, you’ll discover that the door wasn’t locked, and you always had the power to leave and fight for something better.”
It has taken me 36 years to even realize that I had the option to fight for myself. That I matter and have choices and can make my future what I want it to be.
I’m still not sure it has entirely sunk in that I chose to be where I was. I consciously or unconsciously chose to stay with him despite horrible behavior from about month 2 forward. I look back at e-mails I sent him in the months leading up to my leaving and think, “what the fuck were you staying for? This guy is NUTS!”. One in particular caught my eye yesterday. In it, I list all the shit things he had recently done to me, including threatening to kick me out 4 times and I say to him in response, “I think you really want me to leave”.
JESUS CHRIST, OF COURSE HE DOES!!!
I have bet on 3-legged horses my entire adult life. Men who are sorta committed. Men who have potential. Men who kinda fit the bill. Men who expect me to wait on them, cater to their demands and expect for me not to have needs in return. Men with little to offer except physical intimacy that wasn’t very intimate. Why has this been enough for me? Why have I settled for so long for so little? When do I get fed up enough to stop this sideshow horse race and start doing what’s right for me?