Life should have choices beyond mere survival.
It feels like, on some days, surviving is the best I can do. But I really feel the need to accept responsibility for my part in what happened. No, I’m not blaming the victim here (although I have recently) but I’m trying to move forward in my recovery process. What I’ve finally allowed myself to see is that hindsight is 20/20 – I should have walked away 3 months into the relationship. Before I ever moved in with him. Before my life became so enmeshed with his that I felt I had no choices. Before I chose to continue seeing him and chose to try to make things work. Before I chose to move in with him and his pack of juvenile delinquents. Before I chose to bend over backwards and twist myself inside out to try to please him. I chose to stay 3 1/4 years trying everything to make it work. WHY???
A lot of that was for me (already divorced once, thought I’d met my soulmate, didn’t want to go it alone again, wanted our daughter to have a dad) and I needed to know, 100% that I had done everything to try to save the marriage. I needed to walk away with a clean conscience. I needed to know that what we had really wasn’t worth saving. I needed our daughter to be verbal and able to make her needs known as much as possible. And in the process I allowed myself to be severely emotionally and verbally abused and allowed her to witness it. I allowed my boundaries to be stomped on time and time again. I allowed my ethics and morals to be violated in unconsciounable ways. I feel ashamed of myself for that.
Until, finally, I’d had enough. I realized that the only person who was going to save me was…me. I had no one else to guide me out of the nightmare. I had to find the strength inside to stand up for myself, gather my children and my resources and step forward in faith. Faith that I was walking in God’s favor towards a future I couldn’t see but trusted was a damn sight better than the past I was leaving behind. And with guidance and a lot of therapy I have been slowly making me way through this.
So I will gather up my reserves and I will press on because that is the person I am inside…the person he tried so hard to kill. If there’s a way out of this, I will by God and for God, find it. For me. For the kids. For our lives.
This isn’t my hill to die on.