“If they have no savings by middle age, and come with a collection of divorce certificates, child support decrees, and a bankruptcy…contact your nearest mental health professional to discover why you believe it is your duty and calling to rescue someone who has done and will continue to do a fine job of burying themselves alive. It is said that teenagers do dumb things because their brains are not fully developed until the age of 21; however, this is not appropriate behavior for a middle-aged man.”
God, I wish I would have listened to both you and my gut (one in the same?) when things got bad at month 5. And again at month 10. And again at month 12. It boils down to the simple fact that I wasn’t ready to accept what I already knew – he wasn’t the one for me. Instead, I forced a square peg in to a round hole over and over and over.
I am finding as I move further along in my journey of recovery that this all has less to do with my abuser than with my family of origin issues. Whew! Never expected to hear that come out of my mouth, did ya? It’s true…I would never have accepted what my abuser was dishing out if I hadn’t been conditioned to accept abuse starting when I was a small child. I have
poor non-existent boundaries in relationships and I’m too nice because that is how I was raised. I’m a perfectionist because that is how I got my mother’s love – by being the perfect oldest child. By taking care of everyone else and never having anyone take care of me. I am controlling of my schedule because my life has never felt like it was under my control.
I had a fantastic conversation with a woman yesterday who hadn’t seen me for some time. She asked how things had been and I started to tell her my story. And SHE GOT IT! She understood and validated me and I could have talked to her for hours. When I finally stopped rattling my head off, she looked at me and said, “you look great and you are going to be fine…I just know it”. Just like that.
So I continue onward down the road. I feel strong today and I clearly feel the Holy Spirit at work inside me. Changing me. Molding me. Speaking to me in a voice so clear it’s amazing. I am going to be ok. I will make sure of that.