“This past year has been about letting go of so many things. But now I realize it’s kind of freeing really to lose all you thought you had lined up. Because nothing is ever a given…nothing is ever truly secure. And if you don’t let go of all those worries and practicalities you won’t create the empty space for something magical to waltz right into your world.” Zen
This is what I am moving towards and it truly hit close to home when I read it. I really did know a year ago that I was moving towards the end of my marriage. I knew I would have to leave him to escape his (at that point) neglect, immaturity, denial and disdain for intimacy. It sure as hell didn’t make the decision any easier…this “knowing”. The grieving began even then and crying myself to sleep became my new normal over much of the summer. How do you let go and give up on the dream that you’d nurtured since you were a young girl flipping through Bride Magazine?
Life is never a given…people die unexpectedly all the time. I have watched 3 women within 6 months time lose spouses – one who was dearly loved, one who was the bane of her existence and the other a father figure to her admitted immaturity. It has been an interesting study from my side of the looking glass – this science experiment in real time. To see how they have each evolved (or not) and how they have coped (or not) and then applying it to my situation in part. Because losing him has been something of a death. A death of my hopes, dreams, goals and life-long wish to find my soulmate.
But the death of that dream HAS opened a new space in my life…for hobbies left forgotten along the side of the road. A space for pursuits yet to be discovered. A space for my delightful children to get more of my time and attention. And maybe, a space for someone I may or may not already know. Someone who could be just what I’ve been waiting for.