This is where I am and where I have been for some time now. Lost. All over the place. Flitting from indecisive to firmly decided and back again. And then it hits…the belly-churning fear. How will dear husband react to being served papers? What level of rage will he hit when he realizes where the money came from for such service? Will he try to throw me out of
our the house? How much harder will life be once the decision is FINALLY made?
And then my mind drifts to how life will be after the deed is done. Calm. Peaceful. Happy. Healthy. A life of MY choosing: what we eat, where we go, who we see and what color the comforter will be on my bed. A life well lived; no longer hidden out of shame and fear.
Am I strong enough to move forward? To get myself un-stuck? To finally break free from the madness that is him – the arbitrary rules that change daily and never knowing if it’s Jekyll or Hyde I will wake up with each day. God, I hope so.
I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take.