I had a rather revealing conversation yesterday with someone who used to be my “bestie”. We did everything together and then slowly, for reasons that I won’t expound on, her company became less and less desirable. Up until about a month ago, I hadn’t spoken to her in over a year. When I did try to rekindle the flame all of the reasons for my no-contact came rushing back at me. However, a comment she made last night really smacked me in the face and made me cherish the fact that we used to be friends. Her comment was, “and I know you don’t really have anyone to talk to”. Right there, in black and white…I have no friends. I have spent my entire life taking care of other people and being responsive to their needs and paying their way and I have NOTHING to show for it. I tend to be socially inept and can’t seem to keep a conversation going to save my ass. But hand me a checkbook (or some lube) and I will take care of ALL of your needs.
Psychologists would say I am codependent and I believe that assumption to be correct. I was raised to be one by my abusive, narcissistic mother who hit me if I sighed in a manner that was less than pleasing. And I left her to marry my first narcissistic husband (a somatic) only to leave him and fall in with my second narcissistic husband (a cerebral).
God, if I survive this education, I promise to stay in therapy until I am FIXED!!