Things are currently in a lull; he is on his “best” behaviour and I’m a shakey wreck waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am doing my best to educate my self on this disorder and have come to the realization that my ex-H exhibits many of the symptoms of another form of the same disorder. This scares me to no end because it tells me that I am mentally unhealthy myself. My extensive reading tells me that failing to heal properly after the first narcissistic relationship leaves me open to falling prey to another narcissist. And another. And another. Looks like I’ve proven that research to be true.
It hurts my heart to even consider life without dear hubby but I’ve come to realize that the “man” I love isn’t really there. He was a projection of what dear hubby thought I wanted in a man. And he was unfortunately right up to and including the new baby who is the light of my life. Thinking of her spending weekends alone with him and demon spawn is enough to give me nightmares.
That’s another realization I have come to during my reading – I believe demon spawn is in the beginning stages of his own mental illness. The kid suffered so much abuse/neglect, has so many developmental delays and at the same time displays some pathological behaviours which are far-advanced for his years. I don’t like even being in the same room with him anymore as it has become that pervasive.
I am left holding a bag full of regret and bad decisions and facing the reality that I should have taken better care of myself. I allowed dear hubby to systematically take my entire life away from me until I am left with no money, no friends and no where to turn. Except to myself.