“Life is Difficult” ~ M. Scott Peck
Peck knows what he is talking about. Life is so freaking difficult sometimes that I just meltdown in sobs. I’m not a sobber…or I wasn’t until I left asshat ex2. (Oh I’m sorry, the incredibly pathological personality disordered man, er boy, who was my second husband. He’s still an asshat though.) I can’t seem to get my life rolling in any solid direction. Just when I feel like I have a handle on shit then it all goes to shit…in a handbasket. I feel like hell.
Did I tell you that I got accosted (is that a word?) at the grocery store last week? Yeah, in the midst of my week from hell I cut some woman off from her lettuce. Seriously…she said, “you cut me off from my lettuce”. I just stared at her…then she said, “I would never have cut you off from your cucumbers”. That’s where I was standing when this conversation went down. I felt like I was on punk’d and kept waiting for Ashton to jump out. Didn’t happen. Again. I finally said, “excuse me?”…she repeated it all again (blah, blah, lettuce…blah, blah, cucumbers) and I walked away shaking my head. She looked mentally ill but even so I will mark that down on my list of shit not to ever do again…cut someone off from their lettuce.
I’ve listed some more of my stuff to sell. Not willingly. The aforementioned asshat still isn’t paying child support and I’ve got some big bills looming in the next 2 weeks so I’m gonna thin the herd. We may end up sitting on lawn chairs to eat. I had to do this a month ago because I couldn’t pay my rent. This month its my vehicle payment, new tires, glasses for myself and license plate renewal which is 2 months overdue. I just kept thinking that money would show up from somewhere (hello? IRS?) but magical thinking has never worked for me. It would be nice to get some mail that didn’t include multi-figure amounts and due-by dates.
I want my life to change. I want a new job – one without verbal, emotional and psychological abuse and enough disordered people to fill a mental ward. I want a peaceful life – one that doesn’t include psycho ex’s screaming at me on the front lawn. I want money to be able to pay my bills and take my kids to the movies once in a while. Not the expensive theatre…the $2.50/kid theatre. I want to be able to eat out once in a while when I’m too tired to cook and not have to worry about which bill I won’t be able to pay. I want my ex’s to start paying the bills that they were court-ordered to pay and stop mooching off me.
I’ve read that I need to be the change I want to see.
Please tell me how to do that.